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And then what if she does?
Mel, if you do choose to listen to the rebroadcast of "Joe's" question from 10/29/13, you know I welcome your feedback.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 10:07 PM.
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And then what if she does? I doubt she will if you just tell her you are not enthusiastic about it. If she is as far along in the program as you say, it shouldn't be an issue.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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And if I go along with it, trying for a 'greater good' and wanting this for her, for her career...
then I'm asking for whatever I get, whatever consequence that happens.
That'll be on me.
Worrying each day if 'today is the day' the OM comes in to work, or as a patient, or a family member...
That'll be on me, since I went along with it, and begrudgibgly agreed to it.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/12/14 10:14 PM.
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And if I go along with it, trying for a 'greater good' and wanting this for her, for her career... Thats not the "greater good," though. This plan is decidedly the greater BAD. Capitulation and sacrifice is damaging to marriages. And in this case, it presents a great risk of the affair resuming. Are you not familiar with Dr. Harleys views on capitulation and sacrifice?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Yes I am.
Sacrifice will lead to resentment and angry and is ultimately bad for a marriage.
Trying to make the best of a bad situation sucks.
Moving is the best solution, and I look forward to it some day soon.
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Yes I am.
Sacrifice will lead to resentment and angry and is ultimately bad for a marriage.
Trying to make the best of a bad situation sucks.
Moving is the best solution, and I look forward to it some day soon. I would not go along with this, my friend. Keep looking for solutions that complement your marriage and make you BOTH happy. There is a solution out there, you just have to try harder to find it. Not sure why you can't move, but if she just got her degree, she could get a job out of state and many companies will pay for the move. If you start making plans now, you could perhaps move in Q1 of 2015. Most companies start hiring in Q1.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Mel,
I at least owe you an honest answer with this, for the record.
We just sent our 1st child to college 2 weeks ago. Our youngest has 2 more years at high school (the children were/are in the same school district I teach).
Once he graduates high school, we're moving.
We have already begun to make plans and are investigating new locations to reside.
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Mel,
I at least owe you an honest answer with this, for the record.
We just sent our 1st child to college 2 weeks ago. Our youngest has 2 more years at high school (the children were/are in the same school district I teach).
Once he graduates high school, we're moving.
We have already begun to make plans and are investigating new locations to reside. You know, we have had many people in similar situations move. They either took the high school kid with them or he/she stayed behind and lived with a relative or friend. Its not like you can't move now. Your son will be just fine, but your marriage may not be fine.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Melody,
We understand how productive a move would be. Rightly or wrongly, we also know that they've been through alot because of out actions, and feel we as the adults don't want them to suffer another consequence because of it.
I know I'm probably in the wrong for this, but sometimes I wish it was the other person who was forced to moved, or that they would just disappear...
I'm going to be out most of the day with soccer games, and I understand you are very busy as well. I just wanted to know if I should be looking out for any feedback from you regarding our radio segment from 10/29/13?
Please know we appreciate your insights.
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/13/14 08:37 AM.
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Mel,
HFM did contact Dr. Harley directly...addressed the issue on the air and via email.
Both Dr. Harley and Joyce mentioned, due to the nature of the OM ability to be anywhere possibly that we establish clear EPs IF W were to take this position, in addition to 'the usual' EPs highlighted in SAA.
And yes, they chided us about "until you move"...we have a plan for that, but will need to wait for a couple years. Dr. Harley stated that "if they've taken moving off the table as an option, then here's what to do....
The EPs that DR. & Mrs. Harley suggested were: immediate notice to me if there was contact, especially if OM was assigned a union job there, obviously, and that HFM would need to leave that job.
W agreed to both as her course of action. Was there another call? This is not lining up. You said HFM contacted them and the 10/29 caller was you - Joe. I didn't hear any EPs regarding taking the job. Joyce was more playing devil's advocate and saying, well, he's saying the hospital is in OM's county and the likelyhood he would ever show up is tiny. Maybe she could quit that day?? Dr Harley wasn't on board with that. He said: 1) you should move 2) he is curious what other EPs are being implemented 3) that while your W is probably assuring you you don't have to worry, the point is that it IS a concern or else you wouldn't be writing about it - that alone is a reason to not do this. EPs are in part done for the peace of mind of the BS. He in no way supported this and I must add that it was not pointed out, at least in what was read on the radio that the job would take your W seven miles from the OM's house. It was written that the job is at in a county where OM lives.
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So your W was offered this job in Oct 2013, you guys turned it down bc of this advice and then she applied to the same hospital again??
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When asked how I feel about it, my answer has been:
"I am not enthusiastic about you working in that county Y, and I am not enthusiastic about you working closer to where OM lives."
W is then getting upset, saying I can trust her, and asking if I will "be supportive if she decides to take the offer." Your W isn't following EPs or POJA. End of story.
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Melody,
We understand how productive a move would be. Rightly or wrongly, we also know that they've been through alot because of out actions, and feel we as the adults don't want them to suffer another consequence because of it. He will do more than suffer if you won't use the program. You and your wife are not following the POJA and don't seem to understand basic EPs. How astonishing to read that your wife believes you should "trust" her so much that she can abandon basic extraordinary precautions! After all this time, one doesn't expect to see such wayward logic. That is like saying you should "trust" me to go drunk driving since I have been so good for 29 years!  Moving will benefit ALL of you. Staying there just puts his family in jeopardy. Your marriage has not recovered and I believe a big reason is because you still live there and because of this, the affair is still TOP OF MIND. Here you are, after all, still talking about the OM four years later!! WOW!! How is that in your son's best interest?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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When asked how I feel about it, my answer has been:
"I am not enthusiastic about you working in that county Y, and I am not enthusiastic about you working closer to where OM lives."
W is then getting upset, saying I can trust her, and asking if I will "be supportive if she decides to take the offer." Your W isn't following EPs or POJA. End of story. Amen!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Even after 4 years?
The end of the affair, job losses, guilt, regret, participating in recovery, the remorse....
A person would still have a wayward mindset after all of this, 4 years on?
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If taking this position is not an option, and taking what IS avalaible -- overnight shifts -- is not an option, then get only option is to remain at the job she hates, not using her degree, not advancing professionally, simply waiting through 20, 30 more jib apps until something agreeable to both presents, no matter how long that may be?
I'm really trying to brainstorm this...
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Well, it should be "WE are really trying to brainstorm this...". Instead, your wife is minimizing your feelings and suggesting that you should trust her to make an independent decision that you do not support.
One more time. Your wife isn't following EPs or POJA.
AM
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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hfd, try using the POJA and maintaining EPs in the process. Find ways to use her degree that HELPS your marriage, rather than harms it.
What you have been doing is not "brainstorming" at all. All you are doing is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. THAT is not "brainstorming." That is just being LAZY.
Find solutions that meet these criteria: a) solution is good for your marriage and b) has mutual enthusiastic agreement. You guys are ignoring those basic principles and as such, are coming up with bad solutions that will wreck your marriage.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Even after 4 years?
The end of the affair, job losses, guilt, regret, participating in recovery, the remorse....
A person would still have a wayward mindset after all of this, 4 years on? How do you explain that a wayward who is 4 years into "recovery" doesn't even understand the very most BASIC extraordinary precaution of NO CONTACT? She is ready and willing to throw away LIFE as you know it, your MARRIAGE, over a little job? And you are helping her do that? The fact that you are still discussing the OM 4 years later tells me exactly where you are in recovery: NOT VERY FAR!!
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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hfd, try using the POJA and maintaining EPs in the process. Find ways to use her degree that HELPS your marriage, rather than harms it.
What you have been doing is not "brainstorming" at all. All you are doing is trying to fit a square peg into a round hole. THAT is not "brainstorming." That is just being LAZY.
Find solutions that meet these criteria: a) solution is good for your marriage and b) has mutual enthusiastic agreement. You guys are ignoring those basic principles and as such, are coming up with bad solutions that will wreck your marriage. The solution is simple. You move. Out of state; not across city or county lines. move out of state.
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