Then the solution is to quit, not to take another job that endangers her marriage. This job will not affect your marriage positively. Her professional aspirations must not be achieved at the expense of your marriage. I honestly don't have high hopes for your marriage since everything comes BEFORE it. You can't sustain a marriage like this.

I don't believe she would be that uncaring after all you have been through. This would mean she cares nothing about your feelings and I find it hard to believe your marriage is that bad at this point.

Is your marriage really so bad that your wife would not only endanger your marriage but completely ignore your feelings? Are you truly not in a recovered marriage?

I guess that makes sense since she clearly places her career so far above her marriage that she will sacrifice it to get a good job.

hfd, lets just get honest here and admit you are not in a recovered marriage. You know you are not. It is very clear that you have not created a marriage that is a major improvement over the pre-affair marriage. And I can see why. Everything comes BEFORE your marriage: your wife's job, your son's high school, and probably many other things. This would explain why your wife doesn't care if your marriage is harmed by her job.

And this all makes sense given the fact that you are 4 years into this and there are so very many things wrong. You don't even know how to use the POJA and are so willing to abandon EPs for a job. I can't imagine you are following other aspects of the MB program if you are ignoring those basic things.

Melody,

Well then maybe we really aren't in a recovered marriage, or as 'recovered' as we think we are. Maybe we are jusy following MB program 'to a point', and while the marriage is, in honesty, better than ever, that should not be confused with where it should be. (We're going on our 3rd 'date' this week of UA time tonight).

What you mentioned is true, in a sense: I guess we do put son finishing HS before moving, and it feels like hfm puts career over M. But other than that --no small things I agree -- nothing else.

She doesn't feel that her working there is the threat to our marriage that I do; she says everyting affair related is 'dead' to her...the bad times, the bad actions, the bad feelings. That I am attributing or connecting bad feelings to it; she feels nothing, nothing good.

I also feel what you write, and said it to her earlier: taking a job next week that is closer to the Om that I am not enthusiastic about is NOT the soluton to you not being happy in the job you have now.

Two separate items; two separate solutuins.

Maybe she feels that the marriage CAN'T be harmed in any way that it was before, becasue the conditions that allowed for it before have been eliminated?

(that may be how SHE feels, but I'm always wary...)

Just thinking out loud..

I sometimes feel it's telling that I'M the one always one here for advice, or when I feel I or the marriage need 'tweaking'.

She never utilizes this as a resource, both for us and her own personal healing/growth, and I wish she would.

So this is why you have asked us to help you brainstorm ideas....because if you can't come up with a better option your W will take be taking this job, regardless of your feelings.

This is very sad, hfd. You seem to be in denial of the reality of the situation. You keep telling us your W is onboard and that your M is affair proofed when quite the opposite is the case.

Your W's sense of entitlement is alarming and I see another A in your future...

Like Susie has pointed out, there are much bigger problems here than this job, i.e.: the fact that your wife does not take your feelings into account and will sacrifice your marriage for her career.

Like Dr Harley points out, anything that comes BEFORE your marriage will eventually come between you. So far you have told us her career and your son's school come before your marriage. That is HUGE. Since your marriage is so insignificant, I am sure there are other things.

I think I originally posted moreso to make sure I was doing the poja process correctly, since this seems to be the most serious issue we've needed to poja.

And out of frustration because once I shared my lack of enthusiam about the job, healthy communication seemed to end on her part.

I feel sometimes she does seem entitled...I don't know I agree with another A after the phusical, mental, financial, professional consequences since this occured.

But I know enough now to know I thought it would never happen before, in the first place, either...

Mel,

She does not feel she is putting career before marriage.

I respectfully disagree with that, and worry she might be, but I can't demand for her to believe otherwise, or have to see things the same way I do. Although it would be nice to feel on the same page with these issues. She has her own opinions & beliefs, as do I, and they differ.

Why are you POJAing an EP?! Her affair was workplace right? if I recall correctly POJA doesn't apply to EPs. All sources of the affair must be removed that includes the job. Their isn't any position to respect I think you should ask Dr. Harley about this. I for one think you are being suckered.

Even if the POSOM isn't at this job anymore the environment is conducive to affair activity and needs to be eliminated. How many other EPs have you POJA?! What are the EPs? What is your plan for protecting yourself ie post nuptials, Plan B.

Her actions tell the truth about what the priorities are, despite her admission. I am going by her actions. It doesn't matter if you and your wife want to deny that, I am just going by the true facts. Your wife is not putting your marriage first when she refuses to take your feelings into account, move away or observe EPs.

You are both in serious denial. Hers is very self serving; yours is very enabling.

Melody,

Yours is probably the truest assessment.



I'm sad, embarrassed to admit that, but I'm being O&H.

TD,

I feel in our case, pre-A, the conditions were:

AOs
much IB

..the top 4 needs being neglected by both.

Upon reflection, I don't know that the location would've mattered...geez were we just setting ourselves up for this to happen.

What dopes. Just stupid.

IF she does accept the offer, TD, I need to figure out what EPs I require, although I don't know if they'll even help me much to feel any better...

But, what EP could possibly compensate for breaking other EPs, such as risking contact? That doesn't make any sense. That is like saying I need some "boundaries" for drunk driving. Does that make any sense?

I am a recovering alcoholic with 29 years of sobriety. I will ask my husband what "EPs" he would need for me to go sit in the bar all day. I will tell him to "just trust me!!"

He is absolutely correct.
The POJA is a concept that is used to maintain a healthy marriage.
The EP used in a marriage, as part of the recovery program in Surviving an Affair are entirely different.
For couples that have had an affair, they must follow the guidelines in Surviving an Affair. The slightest deviation from the program can result in failure.

In this posters case, he refuses to follow the guideline to move because he doesnt want to inconvenience his children.
So, disregarding the guidelines in SAA he and his wife have decided to negotiate and come up with a plan for being 7 miles from the affair partners home.

We are disregarding the advice to move now in order to wait 2 years to move.

That is correct.

I understand that by deciding to stay, we are opening ourselves up to issues/consequences that we'll have to deal with until we do move.

Well it sounds like you've made up your mind.
What is your main question at this point?