hfd, your approach to problem solving is nothing akin to the POJA and will create incompatibility and resentment:

here

I feel frustrated because I can't brainstorm FOR someone or negotiate with myself.

I feel I say "I am not enthusiastic about...." and she hears "no you can't work where you may be happy..." Or "yes, you must remain at a job you hate..."

And then she never moves to the next step, which I believe is to brainstorm options and negotiate possible solutions?

I feel she hears "no" when I share I'd rather get not go to that location (assuming om is still there) and then its discussion over.

Then throw out some options you ARE enthusiastic about. Just don't make the mistake of capitulating just because she is unhappy about having to consider your feelings. Just because she wants to engage in thoughtless, independent behavior doesn't mean you should go along with it.

It is in her best interest to keep negotiating until you find a solution you are BOTH happy about. Otherwise, the default decision is to do nothing.

And I didn't see the answer to this question: how is it that she even applied for a position without your mutual enthusiasm? When a spouse makes such unilateral decisions, here is how Dr. Harley recommends resolving it:

The onus is on HER, though, because it is she who wants a new job. So it is in her best interest to find solutions that work for you too. Why should you feel frustrated?

I have helped her apply to close to 20, 30 positions in the last year (anticipating her degree) at 6 hospitals in our region (she is a hospital nurse), but we exclude the hospital she left where she met the om and the A began. (That limits her, because as luck would have it, they are hiring ALOT)

Of the other positions available, most are overnights. Of all the apps she submitted, she received 1 call - a one shift a week position. That's it.

She left her mist recent job in July to take this one, thinking it would be better than where shewas. That one was bad, this one worst.

So here comes this offer, excellent in every way....except location. Place it anywhere else, perfect job. We are both frustrated that the hospitals within earshot of us simply ate not hiring anything but 7p to 7a shifts right now.

If just something, anything would open up local, it'd be great....but for a 24 year nurse whose qualified for hospital nursing, it can be a challenge, especially if a job opens that fits your interests, experience, and education.

Well, you didn't answer my question. Why did she apply for the job there in the first place?

In the meantime, you can just keep looking! You can also look in other towns and states that you like. The demand for nurses across the nation is GREAT so there are lots of opportunities.

Keep in mind these 2 principles when applying for a job: a) it must complement the marriage and b) it must have mutual enthusiasm

It seems that TEXAS has a very high demand for nurses and the unemployment rate is very low. The cost of living there is very low, too.

Mel,

Not avoiding your question...while in clinical during degree program, hfm was contacted that this was a may/might/could be position. I think when it opened, she didn't think there was a chance because of all the other in house applicants, so the idea was to use the interview for practice, get back in the game so to speak with interviews, so we didn't anticipate it would come to fruition.

And yes, we have some states in mind down south along our coast....but we have decided to remain where we ate until junior graduates and make the best of it until that time.

Oh, wanted to add:

I think hfm feels being in a lousy job NOW, unhappy and miserable on a daily basis in her current position does nothing to complement the marriage now.

That being content professionally affects the marriage positively.

Well, I wish you luck.
I don't think you will make it because of the proximity to OM and inevitable triggers she will experience but that is your choice.

JK,

I do appreciate your well wishes, and yes, look forward to the day we fulfill our choice to move.

Thank you.

Sorry but I don't like the sound of this. I almost get the sense your W manipulated you into getting your agreement that she apply for "practice" and then had this plan to talk you into it if she got it.

Anyway, I wouldn't go along with anything resembling this in the future (applying to hospitals near OM for practice).

The same way that you have taken moving off the table - just take the hospitals in OM's county, town, vicinity OFF THE TABLE. No sense in going round and round about why you wish it could be. Just eliminate it as an option - as it never should have been one in the first place.

And Melody, what you posted before is the crux of the problem:

In POJA, if I have this correct, if EITHER party is not enthusiastic about a decision/action, then it doesn't get done.

This moves to brainstorming/negotiating.

If no solution is agreed upon enthusiastically by BOTH, then Dr. Harley states the outcome is to do nothing (becasue doing something -- IB, sacrifice, etc.) is actually more damaging than doing nothing. Correct?

I guess this is the point: that doing "nothing" (i.e. remaining at this crummy job) becasue we can't POJA a solution that we both agree to, is not acceptable for hfm.

Susie,

No, no manipulation. If that was a mistake, I own it.

I was on board for the interview...I though there was no shot she'd get this, and as she hadn't interviewed for a very long time (she was a long term employee at her previous position), figured it be good practice.

I have been O&H and shared that I would love it if she would just write off that county altogether.

Right now, that's where the jobs are locally, and she has not chosen to remove facilities in that county as employment opportunities.

What's done is done.

Tell her OM's county is OFF THE TABLE. End of discussion!

Not even for "interview" "practice" or any other reason. Just stay out of that county!!

Geez, hfd!! This shouldn't be the subject of so much discussion - and you both know BETTER than this!!

I ended my part of the discussion with:

"I am not enthusiastic about you working in that county, in a workplace closer to the OM than where you work now. I would like to brainstorm solutions."

She does not seem to like my response, for I feel she reads it as "You are telling me where I can/cannot work, I am unhappy in my current job and want to leave it, I want to be happy professionally again and this new position is an offer I can't refuse."

As I stated earlier, my assumption right now is that she will accept the position, albeit with offering a list of EPs to me intended to make me feel 'safe and secure' about her working there.

Susie,

Im sorry I didn't address your note earlier about the Dr, Harley radio segment.

I took away from it:

1. Dr. Harley is adamant that we should move away
2. Joyce shared that if that's not an option on the table, then what?
3. Joyce then suggested immediate notification IF there is contact, and also that I think she said "that day" my W would need to leave that job
4. Dr. Harley seemed to say "well...okay". Not in tacit agreement, but I took it as, 'that's better than nothing' or, 'that could be a way to handle it'
5. He re-emphasized that we should move.

I felt they were a little confused with the latter part of the question. I wanted to know if it was possible for my W to ever return to the workplace where the A began? Or would it be too much of a trigger? There was thinking that since OM had been fired from there, the chances of him ever returning to THAT jobsite were slim, making it a 'safer' option for work.

HFM feels its just overall too much a trigger for her to return there for work.

The approach shows a lack of empathy for your feelings. If her approach continues, I don't think you will need to plan on moving in two yours. Your marriage won't last that long.

AM

AM,

This is sheer speculation on my part, but...

I feel she sometimes feels that she's been "punished enough" for her affair, and that she sees opportunities like this (she HAS poja'd herself out of other jobs) as a means to get her life 'back on track' after all the illness, repair, job loss, income loss, her mother's death, you name it in the 4 years since her affair ended.

Honestly, it feels like it's been one thing after another since this tragedy.

And I tell her that while I understand all that because Ive chosen to remain in the marriage and have experienced it with her, that doesn't supplant how I feel about this decision in front of us.

Thanks for checking in; your input is extremely valuable to me.

Edited to add: my fear is that she holds onto so much resentment and anger from/about the 'old' marriage, that I think she feels she didn't look out for herself enough, maybe, or felt she put me before her, previously, and that she tells herself 'I'm never doing THAT again', and thus will never feel the needed empathy for me, as it would "feel" like I am the priority of herself again, like before? (sorry, that's alot of armchair psychology..)