It is much more serious than this.

Your W has learned about MB, agreed to it and posted here for a while.

She KNOWS about POJA and EPs and rejects it when it does not allow her to do what she WANTS to do - same case as the Dr Harley quote I posted to you earlier today.

With this attitude, she will have another affair or make your M miserable with her thoughtless behavior.

Susie,

If we grant what you said to be an accurate summation of the current situation, what is a BS to do now in the process, according to MB/Dr. Harley? About handling IB and thoughtless behavior by a spouse?

What is the prescribed course of action besides consistent O&H about not being enthusiastic (following POJA) on the part of the spouse?

I don't buy for one second that she doesn't understand the risk and/or uncomfortableness for you involved with working at a hospital 5 miles from the OM.

She is an intelligent woman and KNOWS all about MB. Further her thread was FILLED with talk about triggers.

No, she wants the job so she is saying what she needs to say to get you to back off.

The next time you have a conversation about the job I would let her know that if she takes that job it will be disregarding your feelings and a breach of EPs.

She knows MB lingo so you can tell her straight up that it will be a violation of EPs and POJA and that you are NOT okay with that.

THis must be done calmly and without AO & DJ.

You may want to consider doing this in writing. Dr Harley was just talking about that recently on the radio show...

If she takes the job anyway despite your firm and clear objection, I would plan for a separation.

HFD, for the umpteenth time, you two NEED the online program.

I was going through HFM last thread and she was complaining about being so unhappy then as well and it had nothing to do with her job that time. It was about her family, triggers and all kinds of other stuff.

I think she may need to be on ADs. And as Mel keeps pointing out, you two need to help getting this on track and making your marriage the number one priority.

I have said everything calmly, without an AO.

I have said:

*I wish you would remove that county all together as an option for work.
*I am not enthusiatic about you working in OMs county, or 7+ miles from his house.
*We have not POJA'd this decision. Can we negotiate options?
*I feel if you take this job you are putting our marriage at risk.
*I support you leaving the job you are unhappy at; I do not feel substituting this job at THIS location is a solution for the problem of your current job.
*I feel this decision is an IB and it hurts me.
*I feel this job would be a great opportunity for you -- located in any other place but that one!
*I said I do understand your frustration...and I, too, am upset. A great job comes along, and OF COURSE its in OMs county. Can't be in the other 4 counties surrounding us?!? It must be that one...


I think I have said all of those things, or close facsimile of, in every way, shape, and form.


I have helped and have offered to help in any way I can to find new employment or leave her current job. I am uncomfortable doing any action related to her accepting this new position, should she decide to do so.

All without any AO on my part.

Since you don't want to move or follow the forum advice why don't you email Dr. Harley directly?

Here is a sample letter you could email to mbradio@marriagebuilders.com:

Dear Dr. Harley,

My wife and I are recovering from an affair she had 4 years ago.
We have read your books and are familiar with your concepts.
Although many posters on your Forum have encouraged us to move out of state, we have decided not to move until our kids finish school in a couple years.
Recently, my wife was offered a better job 7 miles from where her affair partner lives.
I am not enthusiastic about her taking this job but she has told me that she would never commit adultery again and would feel very rewarded in this job.
She wants to negotiate the Extraordinary Precautions with me using the POJA; However, the forum members have told me that the Extraordinary precautions you list in your book Surviving an Affair are not negotiable.
What do you suggest for our situation?

Sincerely,

Here's the show.
Radio Clip of helpfordad's questions
Segment #2

Who said I don't want...that I don't want to follow the forum advice?

I realize that we have decided NOT to move at this time, and that that decision is not following Dr. Harley's advice.

I am following the EPs, POJA, etc.

I am not the one deciding to engage in Independent Behaviors...although I guess I'm now free to since it doesn't seem to matter to the spouse.

What good is any of this program if only 1 has committed to follow it? Seems like common sense that a program designed for two in a marriage -- Interdependent -- won't work if one wants INdependence.

BH,

Thank you.

I have the show saved; just listened to it again this weekend.

Jedi,

I just emailed that now.

Thanks for the suggestion.

It won't work.
Dr. Harley's programs are based on the premise that each spouse will show extraordinary care and protection towards each other.
He addresses this in greater detail in his book Buyers Renters and Freeloaders.
But basically, your wife is kind of taking a renter mindset in her negotiations with you.

I spent a lot of time yesterday rereading Love Busters and SAA while trying to encourage her to brainstorm solutions agreeable to both of us. Some option between leaving her current job (of which I am enthusiastic) and going to this job (of which I am not). I tried this but had to walk away several times while she had AOs and talking became unpleasant.

She is insistent upon saying that she's never going to have an affair again, that she does not think she's putting the marriage at risk working there, and that I am, indeed, dictating to her where she can/can't work/controlling her ability to be professionally happy.

I feel she believes the EP as unnecessary, controlling, and rejects the idea that I get to set an EP (I believe we both do --I'm not driving around in a sports car because she is not enthusiastic about purchasing one).

She also stated that it would be I who was not supporting her, leaving her alone and lonely, not a partner with this job. She does not see it as she is acting independently, with HER moving away from ME...I am being a bad husband because I am not supporting her.

I have insisted that I understand and God how I wish this job presented anywhere else for her. It could be, could be a great opportunity, but while she says she feels 'nothing' about the location and doesn't even know or want to know how close it is to OMs house (she said to me "You researched it, you know how close, but I don't know or need to know), I worry that at some point I'll worry daily: "Is this the day OM works there...or comes in as a patient...or a family member of OM..."

Unless I am being irrational in my thinking, and embellishing the risk of this job location to her or our marriage.

HFD,

In your post #281907 you said that you assume POSOM still lives in county Y...

Could you check it?

If he moved, then probably you won't object if your wife takes the job?

This would still be a bad idea.
It would create "emotional triggers" with him and his wife, to be in the same area or drive by the house where the affair partner lives/ lived.

Well, let's go a step further.
She could have a flat tire and he could see her by the side of the road.
She could see him at a restaurant drive through, or pass him on the highway on the way to work.
This is all VERY possible.

I mean for the love of God...sex with a man NOT her husband occurred in that house!!! And the hospital is 7+ miles from it...it is IN THE VICINITY.

And that hospital is the closest hospital, his neighborhood hospital...I don't know if the POS is still a union carpenter after getting canned after exposure, and would be on a job there...and I don't know the odds of him or his family members being a patient at that exact hospital.

But canvassing the same byways...or gas stations...or whatever just feels too close for comfort.

But as long as hfm states that, to her, it's not a risk, that she has no feelings, that she's more worried or focused on regaining her professional happiness and utilizing her degree, that I am 'safe'...then that's what she believes and doesn't feel my feelings/worries/concerns should override what she wants or believes is untrue/irrational/embellished by me.

I think she feels she is "insulated" there - go directly to work, come directly home. Go directly to work, come directly home....

Somehow, I am to blame because having EPs is me "keeping the affair alive" to her?

I do recognize that she's done a lot of things right to help restore the marriage, to try to make it better than pre-A, and follow the MB program.

It just feels there are events/incidents that run right into her 'Taker', and then it gets miserable.

These statements are the most concerning because a person that says them is the most at risk for an affair. Either your wife does not understand (hard to accept this because of your time here) or she is unwilling to demonstrate "care" for you. I am so sorry.

AM

Sir, if you would have moved you wouldn't be facing this problem.
This is what MelodyLane has been posting to you: You have both decided to place other things, people, jobs etc above your marriage.
But marriage should be Number 1.