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HFD,
In your post #281907 you said that you assume POSOM still lives in county Y...
Could you check it?
If he moved, then probably you won't object if your wife takes the job? The issue is much bigger than this.
BW - 70
WH - 65
M - 35 years
D-day - 17 Apr 08
H broke contact 11/1/09
Back in love after the worst thing that every happened to us.
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We are making our son completing his high school education at his current school a priority over moving at this time.
So, anything that results from that -- like dealing with this job location -- is on me and I suppose the answer is thus to just let her take it since that train has left the station until we move from the area and I'll just 'deal with it' the best I can.
Maybe I should just stop my protestations, apply whatever/as many EPs as I can as stated in the radio interview, and suck it up for a few more years until we move.
Obviously I can't expect to fix a situation I helped create in agreeing to not move at this time -- what's I expect, right? crap like this.
Just make the best of a bad situation, and hope it doesn't fall apart in the interim.
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She is insistent upon saying that she's never going to have an affair again, that she does not think she's putting the marriage at risk working there, Even if working there didn't put the marriage at risk, it would still be devastating to you, emotionally. I know what to tell a wife when her husband argues that she shouldn't feel hurt by what he is doing. I'm really not so clear on what to tell a husband when a wife does the same. I would say to stay carefully on point that her working there will make you unhappy. and that I am, indeed, dictating to her where she can/can't work/controlling her ability to be professionally happy. I would make it clear that she is free to make whatever decision she wants - but that you will be hurt each time she goes to that area, for work or for any other reason. Is there any chance she will talk to Dr. Harley?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We are making our son completing his high school education at his current school a priority over moving at this time. IMO you are prioritizing something of very little value over something of very high value. Your son can easily get a good high school education anywhere. My father's family moved about three times during his high school years. He had his entire senior year in a high school he had never been to before. He was none the worse for wear!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We are making our son completing his high school education at his current school a priority over moving at this time. It's time to recognize that this is a mistake!! Don't be enthusiastic about this any more.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,
I've gotten frustrated, obviously, but NO AOs.
I am staying on point calmly, and just sharing my feelings, even when she thinks that me sharing my feelings is "telling her where she can/can't work".
I have emphasized that she controls her, ultimately it's her decision, but that it will hurt me if she's going there every day and engaging in this independent behavior.
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Markos,
I truly appreciate and understand your opinion -- I'm an educator myself.
However, that decision has been made and agreed upon by both.
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However, that decision has been made and agreed upon by both. That's not how the policy of joint agreement works. Making an agreement together doesn't mean you're making a suicide pact. If one of you later discovers that you are unenthusiastic about a plan, you should definitely not carry through on the plan! The policy of joint agreement covers how you feel right now, not how you felt in the past. Here's what Dr. Harley had to say about that to me in 2011: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03332http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03333http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=03334
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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However, that decision has been made and agreed upon by both. There's some really interesting "But we had a POJA (or agreement)!" threads in Dr. Harley's private forum. Ultimately, this isn't a Marriage Builders principle, and if you incorporate it, you're not likely to have success.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2472026#Post2472026Decisions made with enthusiastic agreement are almost always completed. When there is a problem with follow-through, it's usually because agreement, while looking enthusiastic, was actually reluctant. Even if a spouse agrees to something, and then doesn't follow through on it, the POJA encourages the other spouse to accept the change and go back to negotiating.
The way approach-avoidance conflicts work, the farther you are from a conflict, the more it's positive features affect us. But the closer we get to it, the more affected we are by it's negative features. The POJA doesn't hold you to a decision made at a distance. It encourages you to accept a change if new information, or new reactions, present themselves at a later date. I know that can be frustrating for someone assuming that a solution is in place, but human nature being what it is, if you really want your decisions to be win-win, you must not hold each other accountable for a decision that started out looking as if it was win-win, but ends up becoming win-lose from either spouse's perspective. This decision turns out to be a lose for you hfd. It should be revisited.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Is there any chance she will talk to Dr. Harley?
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Markos,
It is a decision we have made for the present, and for the foreseeable future.
As far as I know, we are both unenthusiastic about moving at this time.
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Markos,
It is a decision we have made for the present, and for the foreseeable future.
As far as I know, we are both unenthusiastic about moving at this time. That decision is going to cost you your marriage. Is there any chance she will talk to Dr. Harley?
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Just make the best of a bad situation, and hope it doesn't fall apart in the interim. I have never seen that kind of plan work. It's clear that she already is emotionally detached from you enough to prioritize her career decisions over your feelings. HFD, I don't know what to tell you, other than you guys need to be working the plan that works. This isn't it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I can't predict the future.
I guess we'll see, and prepare for the "I told you so's"
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If we've decided not to move, and that alone is so much an impediment, this issue regarding the job seems like a moot point...just going from a bad situation to 'badder'
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If we've decided not to move, and that alone is so much an impediment, this issue regarding the job seems like a moot point...just going from a bad situation to 'badder' Wouldn't it make more sense to go ahead and start making divorce arrangements? If you and your wife are both going to prioritize other things over your marriage, you're going to find there's not much of a marriage to put back together afterward. http://www.hulu.com/watch/1773
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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If we've decided not to move, and that alone is so much an impediment, this issue regarding the job seems like a moot point...just going from a bad situation to 'badder' What I don't understand is your reasoning for not moving. Just so your son can avoid switching schools? I see so little value in that - and so much value in saving your marriage.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I'm sorry you don't understand, and sorry we haven't changed our mind to move sooner -- yet.
We can stop debating a decision that's been made.
I understand all of your points, I understand Dr. Harley's advice, and I understand I want to move.
I also know we're not until child is graduated.
Since it seems the marriage is going to hell in a hand basket, generally, so long as we remain here, I'm figuring out that any question here or there in an effort to 'tweak' the marriage around the edges while a fundamental is not complete is a waste of time.
If the dam is broke, no difference if its a trickle or a torrent.
thank you.
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We can stop debating a decision that's been made. Repeating myself, Marriage Builders doesn't advise sticking to decisions after it's been discovered they are a mistake for the husband or the wife. Problems have got to be put on the front burner.
Last edited by markos; 09/15/14 11:07 AM.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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