I can't do that.

I know it is crucial to move, but I am not willing to do so until he's finished high school.

I'm sorry because I know that answer frustrates and disappoints you, and I'm sorry for wasting your time trying to solve the work issue, which really can't be solved without moving.

No 'nibbling around the edges' solution exists to the work issue that doesn't involve a move, so it doesn't really matter if she works there are not. The problems are the problems are the problems until we move.

Sure you can!


But that decision works out terribly for him, for you, and for your wife. I'm not sure why you got the idea that him going to this specific school is so important. There is nothing he is getting there that he could not get elsewhere.


It's your son, your marriage, and your life, hfd. I'm here to provide whatever help I can, and in this case I think the best thing I can do is let you know how this is likely to turn out and how you can make it turn out much better for everyone involved.

It sounds to me like you are being driven by a fatalistic philosophy that tells you life is full of disappointment. The philosophy is driving you to think it's normal to just accept disappointment in order to get things like education. But things could be so much better for you, hfd. And for your son. He would get so much more out of his parents having a successful happy marriage than out of any school.

Markos,

You're right. I can.

But I won't, I choose not to at this time, and realize there may be consequences.

I'd like to stop discussing the moving issue now, please.

And as for hfm work...that doesn't seem to matter as it pales to the bigger issue, moving.

How many years will it take for your son to graduate? Because if it is a few more years, it might be better to move now, so that he does not have to move in his senior year. It will probably affect his school work much more, if his parents are quarreling and will eventually divorce.

He is a sophomore.

No, there isn't much difference between 7 miles and 27 miles. (except when you are running a 10k vs a marathon)...

I didn't know you only lived 27 miles away. That explains how you got hung up on where the county line was.

Just remember, an affair is like a drug and if she gets near that drug again it will probably destroy you emotionally this time.
There is another thread here from a man whose wife had an affair years ago...and now she's doing it again.
Unfortunately, this man is too weak physically and emotionally to fight it and his posts show it is killing him.
I hope the same doesn;t happen to you

You mean a FWS can't learn, be redeemed, and KNOW that they will never go down that destructive path again?

They'd be willing to lose ANOTHER job, MORE salary, the physical and mental anguish, all over again.

A FWS never learns to not touch the hot stove after being burned once?

I used to teach adult literacy. Many of my students were sent to us as part of their rehab when they had finished their prison sentences. All of them had been hard drug users and on the streets of NYC and said they absolutely would never ever go down that destructive path again. Broken people with permanently damaged bodies. The rehab was brilliant, they all knew what they had done wrong and none of them blamed anyone else for what had happened to them.

At least half of them did in fact land up back in prison because they had started to use again. Addiction is very, very powerful.

I don't think she even believes it was an 'addiction', that she's not addicted to this OM...that this was a one-off, out-of-character event in her life.

But I didn't mean to get off-topic, just was thinking out loud to the previous post.

Even if you knew for a FACT that she would never ever have another A no matter what, you would still have trouble forgetting this one if you have triggers around every corner, wouldn't you?

Moving is also to eliminate triggers and get a 'fresh start' in a new place.

Have you ever talked about moving with your son? I have a daughter around the same age, she has a very strong social network of girls she has known since early childhood. We are moving, and she has the option of switching schools or open enrolling to her current one. She is surprisingly positive about potentially switching schools. Perhaps your son would be too. Have you asked him how he feels? I'm not saying he should drive the bus, just saying that you seem to assume a move would devastate him, and that is not necessarily the case.

I agree about him not driving the bus, but...yes, he heard or saw us researching homes in another state, and became visibly upset at the prospect of moving now.

He clearly stated he wished we would wait until he graduates high school before we move.

It has nothing to do with being a FWS and everything to do with being a human. There is no difference between you and me and our FWWs. ALL of us would have an affair under some circumstances.

There could be options for the two of you to move without him. I went to high school with some friends who did not live with their parents.

We choose not to move and be away from our son until he's finished with high school / away at college.

hfd, we choose not to be enablers for you.

I choose to continue to remind you that your son going to a specific school has almost no value for his long term happiness, or yours.

Please know I do appreciate what you're trying to do. I do see the logic in it, and know it'll be better when we do eventually move.

That time will just not be now, and I'll have to learn to live with it, even if that means accepting her job location, sacrifice, etc. etc. for 2 more years.

I made it this far carrying the pain of what she did, I'll survive.

hfd, the really scary thing here is that it is clear she values her career over your feelings.

Are you guys following the rest of the Marriage Builders plan? She isn't acting like a (typical) woman who is in love.

I really think the two of you should talk to him together on the radio show. Not writing a letter and having him answer - actually talking to him.

I don't think your M will survive it if she goes to that workplace. And even if you are able to get her to drop that plan, I don't think your M will survive if you guys don't start making some big changes.

Markos,

I really don't know anymore.

She's often depressed, rarely expresses happiness...sad about her mother's recent death and family issues. She hates her job, expresses just wanting to lay in bed most of the time.

We get our UA time, but conversation is okay until there's disagreement, then it deteriorates. Affection isn't bad...not much rec except for a walk a few times a week. S. fulfillment is there, but can be hit or miss -- that obviously took a hit after her A, and there is an area where I feel she's a Taker and not much of a Giver to me, which I have expressed to her. She doesn't seem as interested in what pleasure I get from it, just so long as she enjoyed it.

I mean, went out for dinner and live jazz the other night, enjoyed it a bit but she's often a downer...and obviously she was angry at me at the time for my position with the job, so she was distant to me. had to drag her out as she was moping in bed, fretting over her decision about this job.

She puts a lot of stock -- too much in my opinion -- in her job status and salary, like it determines her self-worth or something.

She is my best friend, been together since we were 15...I think she loves me, but maybe isn't 'in-love' with me, at least doesn't make me feel that way. I feel 'utilitarian' to her...a paycheck, good father, takes care of the house. Or, it's fleeting depending on her mood; everything can be 'great' until something gets her in a bad mood -- can be totally not marriage related -- and definitely feel she cares for herself and the kids more than she cares about me.

She does express at times that she wants to stay married to me, and will say "thank you for being my husband". It's just so up and down, emotionally.

I'm trying to make this work...most of the time things are okay. I get sad and embarrassed because if this is better than it was pre-A, and funny it really is, then our marriage must've been a complete disaster for years.

I think maybe we have a strong belief -- stubborn maybe -- that when we focus on something, we can get through anything.

Maybe its being na�ve at this point.