Well, Dr. Harley suggested the GPS and spyware if she was going to take the job.
It is the only thing that can give you some comfort. I would NOT POJA the GPS with her, just do it secretly.
As Harley said, he could always come to her or they could meet at a gas station etc.

I really think that your marriage is over and you should seriously consider separation.
Your son is probably old enough to decide where he wants to live.
I think you should see an attorney, tell the attorney that you want to separate and protect your custody rights to your son. Ask for instructions. Tell the attorney that you would like the son to live with you.

And start preparing for Plan B.

There is no 'legal separation' in PA; it's either married or divorced.


If I choose to stay married for convenience, I need to be radically honest with her and let her know I will be staying only through my son's graduation.

I am going to hurt every day she goes to that job.

Yea, I'm not talking about legalities.
I refer to separation that would maintain your custody rights.
If it's divorce then it's divorce.

I also had to file for divorce because my attorney recommended it to preserve custody.

So I have to decide if I want to end a marriage over a job?

Also, my cousin did what you are planning on doing.
He stayed married until his youngest son graduated and then immediately moved out and filed for divorce.
But it wasn't really healthy for him because he ended up getting a girlfriend before the divorce was finalized.

From watching him, I can tell you that your existence will be miserable and you aren't helping your son.

My cousin went no contact with his ex and told me he enjoys life now, whereas before he was miserable due to her cheating and active alcoholism.

You are not setting a good example for your son

You know damn well this is more than a job issue

It's just all lousy. Sorry.

*sigh*

Here is your show.
Radio Clip of helpfordad's show

I listened to it yesterday.

Thanks, BH.

I encourage you to send another email to Dr. Harley.
He will remember your case since you were just on. I think you could really use his input on this and he has told you to contact him with further questions.
You may want to give him your phone number so he can ask you questions and gauge your feelings.

Here is a sample of what you could send him.

Dear Dr. Harley,

You addressed an email I sent to you a couple days ago.
My wife was applying for a job 6 miles from where her former affair partner lives.
She ended the affair 4 years ago and we have read your materials but we never moved away from the area.
On the air, you recommended against the job and said it was an extraordinary precaution. I have told my wife that I do not agree to her taking this job and it makes me feel unsafe.

Yesterday, she told me she accepted the job.
She is not willing to change her mind about the matter.

Some of the posters on the Forum have encouraged me to divorce her.
However, I have a son that is a high school freshman and I would like to remain married until he graduates.
I feel that my son would benefit from this sacrifice on my part and I don't want him to be hurt.
What are your thoughts on this matter?

I feel I'm fighting an uphill battle because hfm is in communication with her sister/bil (neither who have ever contacted ME for my perspective) and they are chirping in her ear that she should 'go for it', and use this as an opportunity to 'prove' I can trust her, and that I have no right to 'tell her where she can and can't work' and that if I don't like it I should go 'sleep in another room'.

Mind you -- they have only been in contact with her, not me...not me, the betrayed spouse.

Isn't it so easy to give bad advice when its not your ox getting gored? And sad that she cares more about their opinion than her own husbands?

hfd, I am so sorry she has accepted this job. That level of thoughtlessness and triggering hurts horribly.

I think you should turn around and send exactly this to Dr. Harley and get some help:

I want to add that the problem here is not the sister/bil,but the fact that your wife places their opinion over YOURS. She is thoughtless and uncaring about you. And why would the sister care since its not her that has to pay the price?

I get family, but...It saddens me that she turns toward other for marital advice instead of MB or Dr. Harley.

She turns to whomever will tell her what she wants to hear.

She places everything else before her marriage, so naturally she won't turn to Marriage Builders.

Like I stated before...she will never put me or my feelings 'above hers' again (to her, that's me 'winning') and/or considers them, but only to a point, I feel.

I asked her if she would be willing to read the email I sent to Dr. Harley, and listen to his response which we received last night.

She did read the email last night, and responded:

1. she yelled at me for sending it because I sent it during the day from work and didn't POJA sending it first

2. when I asked if she thought I summarized/conveyed the situation accurately in the email, she said something like "it is accurate in the fact that it's as you see the situation..."

When I asked if she would be willing to listen to Dr. Harley's response, she stated

1. 'I don't need to listen to it because I'm sure it's all for you and all against me...'


There were several text back and forth last night (I was at soccer practice with son; hfm decided to stay home) where I thought we were having good discussion, but it'd be too much to type it all here.

When she informed me this morning, I calmly stated that I was sad she made this decision despite my feelings about it, and that I worry what effect her IB and working in that area will have on our marriage.

I did wish her luck and offered my support for her leaving her current job, which she can't stand. I'm having difficulty supporting her taking this new job.

The POJA? What is that?