But not very hard. How many hundreds of hours of that radio show have gone by since you joined? Hundreds of hours of free classes you could have been learning in.

For a husband proclaiming how much more interested he is in learning than his wife is, you sure seem to be passing up some of the most important educational opportunities.

Radio show > Forum


You argue with us at every turn and avoid following up on nearly every suggestion we make.

But because you at least post on the forum, that shows you are sincere, unlike your bad guy wife who isn't even interested in doing that. Yay. You win.

Arguing on the forum is supposed to prove you are interested in learning???

Sexual Fulfillment is her top need.


She's very quick when having an AO to tell me that that's mainly why she hopped into another bed.

Thanks a lot.

The hell you're not. You're the loudest voice here protesting one of the most important EPs: moving!

You win.

I appreciate all you've done.

I thank you.

Your whole point in posting seems to be to prove yourself the good guy and your wife the bad guy.

Yay. You win. You're the good guy.

Won't get you a fulfilling marriage, though, and it won't get you a wife that cares about you.

I don't want to win. I want YOU to win a good marriage. But you can't do that as long as you are focused on proving yourself the good guy and your wife the bad guy. You can't do that until you actually expend the effort that it takes.

The opportunity has been sitting in front of you for four years. From the day you joined you have argued against taking every step that would have saved your marriage.

I posted to find out how to get my wife to NOT work at a place 7 miles from where her OM lives.

Not to be right.

Enjoy your day.

[quote=helpfordad]I interact with you, ask questions, strive to get it right./quote]

You strive to cut corners and to keep people from reminding you that this is going to lead to disaster.

You strive to get conversation here instead of information. If I'm reading correctly you haven't even listened to your question from yesterday on the radio show?

If I am reading between the lines, I think I know the answer but I want to ask anyway:

Will your W listen to what Dr Harley had to say in responding to your email? Have you asked her?

Would she be willing to go on the radio show with you to talk to him? Have you asked her?

Hi hfd, we have listened to your show now, and I'm anxious to hear what YOU think about Dr. H's response?

I agree greatly with what Markos has been saying today regarding courting your wife.

However, if you are suggesting that your wife has always been depressed, that will need fixed first as I'm sure that you realize.

Like Susie just asked, HAVE you asked your wife to listen to the radio show with you? She just may say yes, you never know�but if you don't ask her, then the outcome will surely be that she doesn't listen to the show.

Same with EPs. I'm not really clear on just how far away IS the "OMs county"? I agree with others who have said that it matters not if he even still lives there, neither of you need that trigger. But anyway, how far away IS it from where you live now?

Back to the EPs�.what are YOU willing to do if your wife does take this job? Are you willing to separate at that point? Or are you wishing to just remain married and put up with it for the next however many years?

If you are willing to put up with it, please tell us hfd. So many people are here posting to your thread and caring about you and your marriage!

If you are willing to separate if she takes this job, then you need to give your wife that information now. Share with your wife that you are distressed that you are four years into this recovery and you two are not yet passionately in love with each other. Share just how much you want to have the best M ever, but that the foundation must begin with EXTRAORDINARY Precautions. Tell her that traveling anywhere into OMs county is forever more a bad zone, and that you must have her agreement to stick to the EPs in order for you to continue in the marriage.

If this is your feeling, then while you're add it, I think that you should firm up all other EPs. Review your original list, add to it in writing, and both of you commit to sticking to the EPs again.

I think the fundamental problem here is that you believe that life fundamentally involves sacrifice. Either your wife has to sacrifice on the career issue, or you will. You're not looking for a win-win solution, because that's life, and your Giver is happy to be the one to just put up with this a few years. But it will build your resentment - your emotions will keep score, and you will be looking for her to make a corresponding sacrifice down the road.

Just like you did so much to carry the family and are now feeling distraught that she is not willing to sacrifice.

You stop short of a full analysis of your available options because it seems so normal to just settle for somebody having to sacrifice. That's life.

Marriage Builders says - NO IT'S NOT! Life is not like that! Don't put up with that, and don't expect your spouse to put up with it, either.

Life is not like that. Life is good, and the tools here show you how to make it good.

So your son had to sacrifice, so now you feel it is fair for you to sacrifice for him.

You are completely not considering any possibility of a win-win solution between you and your son. There are other alternatives you are not even looking for, alternatives he would be just as happy with but that do not require you to live in affair triggers for THREE more long years. (It's clear four years have nearly destroyed your marriage. I shudder to think what the next three will do.)

I just listened to your letter which was addressed on the Radio Show.
I think that Dr. Harley's position is pretty clear.
It's your life to live helpfordad.
Personally, I don't ever want to be around any possibility of adultery and I would file for divorce if in your shoes.

How is the fit working out for you? Feeling better?

HFD,

Based on your post, my opinion is that you would be well advised to enroll in telephone counseling with the Harleys. When you say that she refuses to take her medication or weans herself off, it indicates to me that there is a past diagnosis of chronic depression or manic-depression that she refuses to accept or treat. I think the Harleys could give you sound advice as well as referrals.

My wife suffered from manic-depression (bi-polar) for quite a long time, and at times she had the same behavior as your wife does - malaise, lack of interest, very poor sense of self-worth. She was under the care of a very good psychiatrist, took her meds, and for the most part we did very well. There were times that I felt I had to 'carry' things when she was going into an episode. I learned early on that the answer for those times as NOT to prop her up and be a martyr, but to make sure she was evaluated and had the proper medication.

You both seem to be miserable in your M. In great part I think it's due to your resistance to accepting help and proceeding with Your plan. You've already spent 23 pages and several hours of 'consulting' here, and you're not better off than you were 23 pages ago. What do you have to lose by getting expert counseling from the Harleys?

Tom

She informed me this morning that she did, indeed, accept the position yesterday.

Make sure you have a GPS unit on her car and ideally some spyware on her phone.

Oh, yeah, after all the angst regarding the decision itself, that's going to go over well.

This is not going to end well.

She places her job before your marriage. You place your son's happiness in school before your marriage. Not so different, is it?

You really only have a few practical choices. You can either separate and ultimately divorce, be miserable for the rest of your life, or start putting your marriage first and move far away now.

hfd, I am really sorry.

Logically, you have two choices:

1) Calmly let her know that if she chooses to actually go to that job, **EDIT** you will be filing for separation. Remind her that you do very much wish to have a passionate marriage with her, and that you are willing to do whatever it takes to get that, as long as she agrees to stick to EPs and POJA and RH.

2) Accept that she is intending to do whatever she feels like, no EPs, independent behavior whenever she chooses, **EDIT**.

I suppose that you could put the snoop stuff in place and then plan A her again like crazy. I don't see that working well at all though, and I think that TODAY you should email Dr. H again with this news.

You don't TELL her that you put a GPS on her car or spyware on her phone. You just do it. I am sooooo hoping that you do have all of her passwords.