Here is a little background of my situation. My wife was 19 and i was 20 when we met. We have been together 8 years and married for 3 and have one son who is 19 months old. We have always had issues with sex in the relationship and i assumed that was her.
About 2 months ago, i noticed my wife was looking a little sad so i asked her what was wrong. She seemed to not really tell me the issue but i persisted. She said She felt we were more friends and roommates and felt we were growing apart rather than together. I was heartbroken but was even more heartbroken the next day when she told me she had a physical attraction towards someone at work and said she can't remember if she had that feeling with me that she just wanted to rip my clothes off. Which is what she told me that's what she felt with this guy. She has told me this week she no longer has these feelings for this guy. Hmmm..Skeptical on that? So i have been an emotional wreck, reading articles, books, whatever i can to get my wife to jump on board to fix our marriage. I know i have issues to work on like anger,which is more in the last two months than in the past 2 years. More so because i am frustrated that she tells me she wants to fix our marriage and wants to be happy. I asked her, well, where did we go wrong, why did you fall out of love with me. Here answer is I don't know.

After reading the basic concepts, It's clear to me we just had no knowledge in how to deal with conflicts and communicate in a loving way where its enthusiastically agreed upon between us.

The last few days we both have been reading articles/basic concepts on the marriagebuilders website. I mentioned that i truly believe if we followed the program Dr. Harley has put his life towards to better any marriage he can that we too can be successfully in love and happy. I asked her just last night if she honestly wanted to do this program and spend the time on the worksheets,questionnaires, etc. She said Not really. She feels regular counseling will help her. I took it as, she doesn't want to put forth the time and effort so she will just go to counseling once a week and see if that helps.

Yea she said its an expensive program, but its well worth all the money in the world to save our marriage in my eyes. Then today she has tells, me we should pre-order the Iphone 6. I really couldn't believe it. She said, i really want the extra memory on my phone because i always run out of space and its worth the extra $100 to upgrade it.

Somedays i feel like its useless even trying anymore but i don't think i can give up because i know she will me worse off without me in her life.

How can I motivate or encourage her to take this program?

Find what's in it for her. Please take a look at the Why Women Leave Men article, and see if you would be willing to "invite her into all the rooms in your house." I think if you offer that it would get her attention.

You need to do some snooping. It is unusual for women to not want to work on the marriage if they have a willing partner. She has already indicated to you that she has an attraction to someone at work, and I am assuming she still works with him? You need to quietly snoop to find out whats going on. Do not discuss it with her or tip her off to your snooping, do not go to her with any evidence without first coming here and learning how to properly proceed.

And if you are having angry outbursts, stop it! This is extremely damaging to your marriage.

Welcome to MB, you and your wife CAN have a great marriage using this program. But you cannot work toward that if there is a third party involved.

I have done some snooping. I have check phone records, text messages, even current text messages. I set up her imac with i message and it sync her i message account on her phone to the imac. She doesn't talk to him. She did on facebook which he is now blocked from her. I do want to spy on her when she is supposed to get off work to see if this person walks her out to her car or whatever. I know the last 2 weeks he was on a vacation as i snooped his facebook.

She doesn't work directly with him, he is in a different department. What happened was she had to do a project at work and that how they connected somehow. I do believe she is over him but something doesn't seem right if she doesn't want to work on the marriage. She told me she just doesn't know how or what to fix.

To me, yes all signs lead to infidelity but she said she would never do that.
I will try snoop some more but don't want to get caught and push her away.

Newsflash!

None of our spouses told us that they would have affairs. In fact, I distinctly remember mine promising at the wedding to forsake all others...

Yea, i understand an affair is secret and something you don't tell your spouse your doing. Trust me i have my suspicions. I can't accuse her or she will feel that if he thinks i already am then i might as well.

I have asked her multiple times that if she cheated on me. She starts to get angry that i am even asking which raises more suspicion.

Anyways, I feel our roles are reversed that she doesn't want to take any action to fix our marriage but im the willing one doing all the research.

Don't accuse your spouse of having an affair; just quietly snoop. In the meantime, read up on lovebusters and make sure you eliminate every single one in your own life. It takes two to create a successful marriage, but you can prime the pump.

It's very normal for a person to feel an attraction for another. The right thing to do is to tell the spouse about the attraction and then make sure you don't see that person any more. Now that you know she has an attraction to someone else, make sure you are the better choice. Spend time with your wife on dates outside your home and make sure you do your part to create some great conversation. Be affectionate toward your wife.

Don't bring up the possibility of an affair anymore; just quietly snoop like a hound dog.

Yes i need to work on my Love Busters and i have been and I am improving.

I have told her it is normal to have attractions to other people,however you don't act on it or pursue it.

I do try spend time and make conversation and intimate conversations. For example, I would ask what is something you love doing? I get the answer, "I don't know". or where do you see yourself in 5 years? I would get, " I don't know"

Its like she just wants me to not ask her questions.

I ask my wife if she really wants to work on this and its OK if she doesn't, but just to be honest. She tells me she does, and if she didn't she would've left already. However she answers in a very snappy tone. Probably because i ask her about it because i don't see any motivation from her to work on us.

A person who is in an affair is not going to be honest, they are going to be distant and detached because they are checked out. It does sound like she is in an affair. I would not ask or accuse, but start doing some super sleuthing. Since she sees him at work everyday, it will be hard to catch her. Work affairs are the easiest to cover up.

For the time being, aside from asking questions you may want to take her on some fun dates to places you have lots to talk about. If you can, a vacation would be great.

Regardless if she is having an physical affair, an emotional affair, or she has a silent crush on an unsuspecting coworker, you need too be as likeable, determined, fun, handsome, flirty, easy to get along with as you where when you met her and then some!

You know her and can probably think of things she would like. Maybe you can organize a babysitter and whisk her off to a fun night out, or you can surprise her with a lunch date, or a gift card for a foot massage? Surely there must be things that she has told you in the past she wanted to do.

If you have read the emotional needs questionaire, you can probably figure out some of her important emotional needs and try to meet the 4 intimate needs on your dates as much as she lets you.: intimite conversation, affection, recreational companionship and sexual fulfillment.

Beware, intimate conversation does not mean interrogating her as if she is on a job interview. If she is withdrawn (because of years of love busting and neglect combined with crush/emotional affair/physical affair) it can help to keep conversation light and pleasant. Do not talk about where she sees herself in five years, instead try talking with her about the next vacation. Where could you go and what you would do etc.
She may not want your affection at the moment, so try to keep it light and flirty. Stroke her hand a fleeting moment as you pass her the salt in the restaurant etc., but do nothing she might complain about. The same thing is with sex. She may not want to tell you at this moment, but as she falls back in love with you it will matter a great deal to her, if you spend time (hours, not minutes) with her (like on a date, not while dishwashing) while having intimate conversation (and actually listening to what she has to say), and up your foreplay (poking her in the back or kissing her neck for 10 seconds while conveniently lying in your bed after she worked, cleaned the house and cared for the kids all day, is not considered foreplay). That may sound like work, but you will get amazing results following this program, which she may be more eager to do once you have warmed her up a bit and gotten the other man out of the picture.

But all of the above will have no effect whatsoever, if you do not cut your love busters out of her life. Why would she want to spend time with someone who is angry and then the next minute bugging her to lay her heart out on the table and tell him her deepest dreams and desires. That won't work.

Stop love busting yesterday!

Thank you for your insights. They definitely help.

I truly believe she is not having an affair. I guess i trust her in that aspect. She has told me she loves me and wants to be with me but she just seems to be stuck and i don't quite know what. She feels that she should want to research books, articles, etc to help but doesn't know why she doesn't want to. I feel it is she doesn't really want to be with me.

I guess i need advice on where i should be on my standpoint with affection, sex, etc.

Do we talk about the issues and try sort them out right now, should i show affection and love and give her kisses and hugs. Do i still try initiate sex? Or do i forget and just focus on reconnecting?

Let me know. Thank you

No, do not try to initiate sex.
Your wife does not want to have sex because she is not in love with you.
Try to meet as many of her emotional needs as you can, while avoiding Love Busters

you need to find out if she is having an affair.
Are you actively snooping?
Can you afford a PI?

Yes I am snooping. I have found nothing so far. I really don't think she is cheating. I think when she realized she had an attraction to this other guy she knew it was abnormal. She obviously was liking it and the attention until I nipped it in the butt. The only way they were contacting was through Facebook chat which I tried desperately to see the conversation and she permanently deleted it. Wish I could see what was said. Only way is to ask the other guy to send the chat over. I will be keeping my eyes open always but I really don't think she is but again she just could be extremely good at hiding it. She is not a good liar either.

I haven't looked into a PI but don't think it's necessary right now. However if I feel I need to get to that point then I would rather not worry and just leave the relationship myself. I believe I am more deserving than her disrespecting me and my child like that because if she did take it that far she's not just affecting my life but our sons life as well.

Do you have any spyware installed?

Be happy. Be encouraged. You are not at the bad place yet you have time to bring it around. Follow the advice of people on here. I received my wake up call too late. Had I known even 6 months ago what I know now I am certain I could have saved things or at least she might have believed me that we could save things. Do the stupid things you first did for her. I don't know what your routines were but if you got takeout food from somewhere go and surprise her with that. Get her flowers for no reason. Best of luck.

So the wife went to counseling today and then we met up for a walk run along the beach. I asked about her day and the meeting. She said she a few things and I was asking if she helped with finding solutions for anything. She said its a meeting for her and was reluctant to share much more.

Anyways, we get home after our walk/run and she tells me she doesn't think she can fix the sex thing where she should feel she has to force herself to do it. She also said it shouldn't be forced to try find solutions to the issues and to force herself to read books, articles watch videos or whatever it takes.

I had her watch the videos for the plan part 1 for the first 15 minutes as it is very powerful to me. She said it's probably right but I don't feel I can change.

I feel my only option is to have her leave. I know that if she does leave it most likely will end in divorce. At this point I think I am ok with it. She doesn't seem to care about anyone but her selfish self.

Should I ask her to leave the house?

No you have another option - make your wife fall in love with you again. Make her feel loved and special and make her believe that you think your marriage is worth saving. Shower her with love and make her feel like she means the world to you. Don't think that just a few days will do the trick and then give up. Why should your wife feel like saving your marriage when you obviously don't?

I do love her and have been showing her all kinds of love for the past 2 months and see is still no where. She just doesn't want to have Sex with me and doesn't care to meet my needs there.