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"If you decide to take this job, I will be hurt and unhappy (I lose); if you decide NOT to take the job, you will be unhappy (feel that you lose). So, either way, one of us will lose in this situation, and that is bad for the marriage. MB encourages us to find a solution that is win-win for BOTH of us. And I'm not saying any of this is easy..."
That's a text I sent her yesterday, trying to encourage us to brainstorm more...
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/17/14 09:52 AM.
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I haven't tried talking her into or out of anything.
I have:
1. told her how her working there makes me feel and that I'm not enthusiastic about it
2. encouraged her to brainstorm with me; any talk of working there violating an EP (off the table) is end-of-discussion for her.
Why don't you ask her why she feels she does not need to recognize, follow, or incorporate EPs into the marriage after infidelity, as Dr. Harley prescribes?
Last edited by helpfordad; 09/17/14 09:55 AM.
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Why don't you ask her why she feels she does not need to recognize, follow, or incorporate EPs into the marriage after infidelity, as Dr. Harley prescribes? I know exactly why she feels that way: there's nothing in it for her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Again, I don't understand you.
It sounds like you are blaming me because my wife wants to work 7 miles from her affair partner.
I've eliminated LBs, work to meet the 4 needs, etc.
But she doesn't have to follow MB because SHE lacks -- as DR. Harley points out -- lacks empathy for the damage done.
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Again, I don't understand you.
It sounds like you are blaming me because my wife wants to work 7 miles from her affair partner.
I've eliminated LBs, work to meet the 4 needs, etc.
But she doesn't have to follow MB because SHE lacks -- as DR. Harley points out -- lacks empathy for the damage done. Sir, Why don't you send that email to Dr. Harley so he can address it before the week ends and then take some time by yourself for self care.
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What are you going to do about it?
Throw another fit?
Or show her that there is actually something in this for her?
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Your posts drop with entitlement. You have never shown her what's in it for her. MB is something for you, not her.
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I have not thrown 'a fit' and take issue with your false accusation.
Or, are you trying to goad me into an AO or something?
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Again, I don't understand you.
It sounds like you are blaming me because my wife wants to work 7 miles from her affair partner. No, I'm not even thinking of blame. I'm telling you what the problem is. If you want to keep your marriage, identify the problem and then solve it. Blame is a sidetrack. I've eliminated LBs, work to meet the 4 needs, etc. You've worked at it, but haven't succeeded. UA, the most important thing this program has to offer her, is lackluster by the description you gave earlier. Every husband has to figure this out if he wants a good marriage. Get this problem in front of you and don't take it out of your site by switching to a focus of "blame." But she doesn't have to follow MB because SHE lacks -- as DR. Harley points out -- lacks empathy for the damage done. Nobody has to do anything, hfd. You have to think about why she is doing what she is doing and see what incentive you can offer her, if you want her to do anything different.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Huh?
A FWS gets nothing out of following MB?
Cryptic and confusing to me. Sorry.
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I have not thrown 'a fit' and take issue with your false accusation. Quit taking issue with stuff because it is a complete waste of time. You are distracting yourself from the real problem that you have to solve, which is that your wife has no incentive to follow Marriage Builders because there is nothing in it for her.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Huh?
A FWS gets nothing out of following MB?
Cryptic and confusing to me. Sorry. Take the scarlet A off of your wife and understand this Marriage Builders principle: Every spouse, regardless of the mistakes of their past, needs an incentive to do Marriage Builders, provided by their spouse.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You have thrown plenty in the last few days.
And you should know by now that no one can "goad" you into an AO.
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Markos,
So...It's up to ME to give her the incentive to follow the principles that Dr. Harley says a FWS must follow in order to be working the program?
Again..I'm rushed in work, but I may be missing your point.
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A FWS gets nothing out of following MB? Quit trying to prove that your wife gets something out of it and start trying to see her perspective. The main problem I see here is that you have zero awareness of her perspective, other than to pass judgment on it. Without an understanding of her perspective (empathy on your part for her) you have no way to figure out how to motivate her (how to find solutions that are a win for her) and the only technique you have is to remind her she owes you MB because she had an affair. That's a recipe for creating an aversion to Marriage Builders. Can you see why she doesn't want to negotiate with her? You don't understand the problem from her perspective.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Markos,
So...It's up to ME to give her the incentive to follow the principles that Dr. Harley says a FWS must follow in order to be working the program? Yes!
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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You are not entitles to your "truth" any more than I am...and I realize since we're not married you can't DJ me, but I will respectfully disagree that I have not thrown a fit.
If that's the way you classify sharing how one feels, than I am sorry.
I know someone can't 'make' you angry...it was the context of the accusation..oh, nevermind.
I need a break. I'll email Dr. Harley later.
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Markos,
I am going to respectfully ask you stop posting to me.
I don't understand your accusatory tone, or your cryptic messages, or pointing the finger at the betrayed.
I do appreciate your efforts on this forum. I just need as break.
Thanks so much.
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The thing that she doesn't want to be "reminded" about is an EP...a fundamental aspect of MB.
So she is unwilling to follow this basic tenet...and that's on me?
Right. Got it.
Enjoy your day, please.
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