We can't change the past, but I hope others see what happens when a couple doesn't move after the affair. Four years later and they are still discussing the OM! Living in the same area is to die a death of a thousand cuts and I suspect is the cause of this WW's fogged out lack of empathy.

I don't know if the cause is not moving (again, she has stated SHE wants to move as soon as son graduates) or something else internal, in her character, but...

I cannot argue the effect of not moving. A thousand and one...

That option may be unfair but it is not illogical. Illogical is staying put when you are miserable and then complaining about it over and over. You have valid complaints, hfd, but you do have options even if some aren't fair.

Yes the cause is not moving. You wouldn't even be having this conversation if you had. You are paying the price today with an unrecovered marriage.

I am sure if your children weren't the excuse for not moving, another one would be found. Just think, your kids weren't in high school 4 years ago.

Even though you are in denial about that, I hope others can see the result.

I am bookmarking this thread under "here is what happens when you REFUSE to move away from OP."

I am sorry your statement is incorrect.

Our oldest child was in high school 4 years ago.

I am not in denial; I am acutely aware that this conversation would not be occuring if we did not choose to live where we are.

Yes, please bookmark this under 'what NOT to do'...

This fact does not change my point though. And I am glad you admit this discussion would not be taking place if you had moved.

Mel,

I've been around long enough to know to NOT EVEN BOTHER arguing with you. I just wanted to reassure you that I understand your point, and I certainly have admitted there's no discussion about no job in no county if we're living no where around here any more.

The house is very quiet.

She's not engaging me at all the last 2 days since she accepted the job.

I don't know what's to talk about since she sees how much I am hurting by this.

It's awkward.

You have 2 options, as Markos has explained in fine detail:

1. File for divorce and let her take the damn job (she's going to anyway) and then she can be miserable like she seems to want.

2. Try to win her over and make her fall in love with you.

Since she's taking the job anyway, and ignoring the EP in the first place, is there any sense to trying to establish anything at this point should contact occur?

Or does it matter not?


She scoffed at Dr. Harley's response.

HFD,"


"Or does it matter not?"

Why are you even asking this? It matters only if it's important to you, and NOT to the members here. They are only trying to advise you and have no vested interest in your M.

Tom

I think she will dictate any terms to you.

Is this a recent response since your radio clip? What did he say?

No, she listened to his first response to the original email.

HFM stated that she didn't agree with anything he said, was insulted that he said she was weak and would 'run back into OMs arms'...

She said Dr. Harley "sounds crazy" to her, that there's no "validity" to what he said, and that he doesn't know me or what I've been through so he can't base his advice on a snippet of what you (hfd) are feeding him."

Lastly, she said "you want to put a GPS in the car? go right ahead. Heck, put one on me if you want. It's all crazy and paranoid, but whatever."

I asked her if she took anything away from his response that she found helpful; she replied "none of it makes any sense to me."

HFM stated that I have nothing to fear, and that I don't have to worry about OM seeking her out "He didn't pursue me after you exposed, and he hasn't come after me for 4 years...I know what he thought about me. He's not going to seek me out..."

I sent the follow-up email, but waiting for response. (my work computer does not allow me to access the radio streaming, etc. That's why it's difficult for me to listen during the day. Our schools have powerful filters.

Melody,

Markos, blackraven, JK, etc. have provided feedback for what they see as my "options" at this point.

What are my options at this point as you see them, in my current situation? I need to hear what you'd consider doing if this were you.

Thank you.

HFD,
MB is an action oriented program. It's not therapy. Others have told you to either leave the marriage or start making deposits into your wife's love bank. You choose to do neither, but instead just come on here and emote. That won't solve your problems.

I suggest you give yourself 6 months to commit to meeting her emotional needs. Do you know what hers are? Find out if you havent. Then commit unrelentingly to doing it. Stop making excuses that she doesn't want to spend money. Taking a walk on a nice evening is free. Going to Starbucks and having coffee together away from the kids and everyone else can be a nice date. Just find ways to spend time together where you don't talk about the affair or the relationship, but you just talk about things you both enjoy.

If after 6 months she doesn't fall back in love with you and you and she doesn't commit the EP's then you should look at another option. I suggest you watch the movie "Fireproof" as an example of this.

But if you just do nothing and expect results, well...

I already do what you suggested. But walk after walk after walk does really meet any of my ENs either. There are other means of spending UA time that I'd like to do. I feel as the BS in all of this, I should be "allowed" that, no?

Again, I just don't understand how the onus is on the BS to "make" the WS follow the rules of the program that Dr. Harley sets out as the rules for the WS. HFM is engaging in an IB and risking contact by choosing to work there ignoring both EPs and POJA -- as DR. Harley himself pointed out to HFM -- but I be nice for 6 months and she'll all of a sudden follow the EP that was part of the program for a WS from the beginning?

Maybe the fault lies in me, the Betrayed Spouse. I thought I've been following all of Dr. Harleys rules -- eliminating LBs, meeting ENs, etc. But maybe because if Im not doing the program 1
perfectly that's reason enough for hfm not to follow tenets of the program either.

There has been no talk of the affair until hfm decided to ignore the EP of working in OMs county and eventually take a job there.

I do appreciate your feedback, and will think on it greatly, as I do with every response.

I do not mean to 'emote' more than I discuss action.

For example, I can decide that I will separate from my bedroom and stay in another room while she chooses to remain not following that EP or POJA and working 7 miles from the OMs house.

I will live this way until my son graduates high school, and then separate permanently.

I could choose that course of action, then at least I'd be doing something and not emoting about it any longer.

Have you talked to your son about this? You may well find that given the choice, he would much rather transfer to another school and have his family survive intact than finish the last two years at this school and get a permanently broken family in the end.

I think this excuse for not moving is positively lame. We moved after my wife's affair. We have an autistic son. If you think it's tough to move a high schooler, let me tell you, you have *no idea* what tough is! Yet, our marriage has recovered and our autistic son is very happy now. The failure of your marriage is totally avoidable. It is nobody's fault but your own. Stop blaming circumstances. Own the path you are choosing.