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Joined: Nov 2011
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Here is the list of Extraordinary precautions: Here is the checklist:
From Surviving an Affair, pg 66-67
The extraordinary precautions do more than end marriage-threatening affairs; they help a couple form the kind of relationship they always wanted.
These recommendations may seem rigid, unnecessarily confining, and even paranoid to those who have not been the victim of infidelity. But people like Sue and Jon, who have suffered unimaginable pain as a result of an affair that spun out of control, can easily see their value. For the inconvenience of following my advice, Sue would have spared herself and Jon the very worst experience of their lives.
Checklist for How Affairs Should End
_____The unfaithful spouse should reveal information about the affair to the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should make a commitment to the betrayed spouse to never see or talk to the lover OP again.
_____The unfaithful spouse should write a letter to the lover OP ending the relationship and send it with the approval of the betrayed spouse.
_____The unfaithful spouse should take extraordinary precautions to guarantee total separation from the lover OP:
_____Block potential communication with the lover OP (change e-mail address and home and cell phone numbers, and close all social networking accounts; have voice messages and mail monitored by the betrayed spouse).
_____Account for time (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a twenty-four-hour daily schedule with locations and telephone numbers).
_____Account for money (betrayed spouse and wayward spouse give each other a complete account of all money spent).
_____Spend leisure time together.
_____Change jobs and relocate if necessary.
_____Avoid overnight separation.
_____Allow technical accountability.
_____ Expose affair to family members, clergy, and/or friends.
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Joined: Nov 2011
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Susie,
I think that your husband is just going to get a throw away phone because he is used to doing this with you.
In your case, I think you should insist on a polygraph examination for your protection.
You can ask him about any other affairs or current ones as part of the polygraph.
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Joined: Jun 2008
Posts: 6,108
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If you have his phone, send OW a message that you are his wife and you have seen all their message...and that you know where she lives/works.  Tell her your WH likes to flirt and cry on OW's shoulders and that if she has any sense she better leave your husband alone and never be in contact with him again. A NC letter can still come from him later but I would confront the OW. Even if the flirting was one-sided, she is still an idiot for being willing to engage in this. Scare her off. Since you have the phone, do not delete the fb acct right away. Tell WH do not touch that fb acct. Do some more snooping to see if WH has posted to other OWs walls, sent inappropriate messages, etc. I agree with Jedi that you should REQUIRE a poly. WH can agree to all sorts of stuff but until he DOES something, they are just words so don't give him wiggle room to put things off. If he can find time to flirt with OW, he can find the time to get a move on ending his A. Is DD your only surviving child? Do family members live close to you? You do fine, tis. The only thing I caution you about right now is don't use the phrase, "I'm done" if you aren't. You take away the power of your own words if you do that. KWIM? Update when you can.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Apr 2012
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OP
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231 |
Thanks Jedi and black raven, I have no problem with asking him to do a poly, and will look into the info and prices after I post. I am very concerned about $$ because of recent job loss and wanting to save cash to do the online program, I want to strike while the iron is hot still, and start an emergency plan for myself too. We have 3 surviving children. My one DD is the only one aware of his activities at this time, I have no problem telling all of them, so I will get on that. My FOO is located in another state, and I have very low contact with them, but have no problem sharing with them either. He has some family here, again I can certainly expose there too, honestly I think the most impactful will be our children. He exposed his PA years back HIMSELF to everyone! The only one that had any impact on him was our oldest DD reaction (the others were too young to communicate with) I have been very busy all morning with his phone!;)and I plan to go back all through his fb activities to make sure I didn't overlook ANYTHING! I have also been all through his email accts. So far the only thing I have noticed is he has been all over this womens page liking nonsense the last few days. I have checked and read through all PM's from everyone, including our children and other family members. Great idea to message this women! Love it and will do! My H told her I was a Psycho so I guess she will feel that's confirmed when I message her! Nobody wants to deal with a psycho that knows where you live and work!  I was very upset with myself using the words done for good, nd then NOT sticking to it. I honestly thought I did mean it at the time. I discussed that with my H last night actually. I need to NOT do that anymore.
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Joined: Jun 2008
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Great idea to message this women! Love it and will do! My H told her I was a Psycho so I guess she will feel that's confirmed when I message her! Nobody wants to deal with a psycho that knows where you live and work! If it's visible, copy her fb friend list before you send any message so you have that if you need to expose to her friends and family. Is she married?
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Joined: Apr 2012
Posts: 231
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OP
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Posts: 231 |
No she is not married, no relationship either. I will go look now to see if I can view her friends list.
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Joined: Nov 2010
Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4
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Posts: 20,443 Likes: 4 |
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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