Is there someone above his boss? Owner of the company?

Your husband has a motive to lie about that, though. If she did CARE, she would have him tell you they didn't so you wouldn't contact them. You don't know if they care or not unless you speak to them personally.


I would start looking to find out their names and contact information. You shouldn't give up so easily.


They SAY they want to reconcile.

Here is a sample Plan B letter:

Sample Plan B letter, from SAA (revised edition) pages 77-78:

My Dearest __________,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair possible. I foolishly pursued my goals without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me the most and we are now both suffering for my mistake. [Add your willingness to address other complaints that the unfaithful spouse may have communicated prior to the affair.]

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that will meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship once and for all. Living with you under these conditions has been the most painful experience of my life, and I can no longer endure it.

Until your affair ends, and you are willing to follow a plan of reconciliation with me, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. Our friends, ________, have agreed to help make arrangements for you to see our children on schedule that is mutually convenient. They will provide transportation. If you want to communicate about the children or any other mater, it will have to be through them.

I ask that you respect my decision to separate from you th is way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship, and I simply cannot be with you any longer knowing that you are together. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently end your relationship, follow precautions to avoid absolutely any contact with the other person, and join me in a plan to restore our relationship, I will be wiling to discuss our future together with you.

I hope that we will be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We can build a new lifestyle together in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never be a reason for us to be separated. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you to be my best friend.

I cared for you when we married and I continue to care for you right up to this day. But I cannot be with you or help you as long as you are in this relationship.

With all my love,
(signed)

This letter should be delivered by your friends to the unfaithful spouse, and a copy sent to the lover with a note at the bottom saying:

I love ______ with all my heart and am willing to do whatever it takes to make her happy. I will wait for that chance.

He did say he wanted to reconcile, but I am not sure that means much. He gave the OW a no contact letter, but at the same time is looking for apartments and wants to be legally separated.

So, yeah. This is literally too much time and energy. I am just too tired.

When can you get into Plan B?

It doesn't sound serious at all.

This is easy to bypass.
Ask your friend or a family member to find her on facebook, or create another facebook account.
Also, I encourage you to post her on www.cheaterville.com
Internet exposure spreads quickly and hits the affairs hard.

He is still in the fog.

I'm guessing he's Catholic and wants to pretend he is doing the right thing with the legal separation when really he wants to create the space he needs to have his AP.

I am still exposing as much as I can. Logged in with my dads profile to see her Facebook.

I am going to Plan B to the extent that I can. We have no family in the area and my daughter is super young. I may have to have limited contact on pick up/drop off. I could probably get a friend to route emails though.

PW, you don't want to do that! Any direct contact whatsoever will defeat the entire purpose. Do you have a neighbor/friend who would agree to do child exchanges?

The intermediary would need to act as a spam filter and screen out any non kid/finance related communication. She should write the messages in her own words and only pass on pertinent information, such as child exchanges, financial information, etc. Your H will be furious when you cut off contact and will write long essays telling you off. The IM would have to agree not to pass any of that on to you.

Good girl!! Copy and paste all her contacts into a text doc for safekeeping because when you epoxse, she will shut down her page.

Are you following the Facebook exposure instructions in my expose thread?

Don't enter Plan B until you have an intermediary.
Do you belong to a Church? Oftentimes a church can help facilitate exchanges.

Guys,

It's just not possible. I live in a big city and we have no family here. I don't have someone who is just always hanging around to shuffle my two year-old around. Everyone I know is in thier twenties and thirties and has a life. One of our issues is that we have no childcare help (or had been anyway).

We don't have to talk. But I do need be physically present when he drops her off. I suppose I could let him leave her in the hallway of my building while I look through the peephole and then get her when she leaves. She'll probably cry.

And yes, I do belong to a church...but again I am in a big city. Where do you guys find people who will always be available to be an intermediary for your little kids? I don't have someone in my building ( I can't count on them being around) and no family here. The one person I could think of that would do it lives 20 minutes away and is 9 months pregnant. I would need her to physically be a nieghbor.

Remember, my kid is two...she can't even go from the bottom of the building to my apartment alone. She doesn't know how yet.

He isn't catholic. He is a wannabe writer who says he is finally turining over a new leaf and wants to publish things. He says he wants a separation to protect his future assets in case things don't work out. We live in CA and he seems to be scared of community property laws. OR he is just an [censored] who wants to keep carrying on his affair. My money is on the latter.

And to answer your next question, I haven't always been a jerk to him. It's only recently that my anger has gotten to this point. I've was in plan A for about 4 weeks until I kicked him out. He just seems to be a moron who doesn't seem to care how much pain he has caused. My gut reaction to him whenever he says anything now is just, "whatever dude." I am so tired of him. Even reading the plan B letter, I'm like...no. He was as total [censored]. I'm tired of reiterating that I would do anything to fix the marriage and taking responsibility for my part. I tried to do that before this all started. I begged for marriage counseling, etc before his affair was underway. He refused. He is a brick wall. If I always have to make this much effort, it's so not worth it. He takes up too much energy.

You really have to find a way to make this happen. Otherwise Plan B will be of no avail. If he is able to see you and speak to you, then your Plan B will be worthless. He will be furious when he can't speak to you and he will use this as an opportunity to breach Plan B.

Maybe you can do this through a day care center. Pay them to do the exchanges. And your husband doesn't need to see her often, maybe 2 times a week.

For example, you could drop the child off at 5:00 and he could pick her up at 5:30 and return her at 8:00. You could wait until 8:30 and pick the child up. A typical visitation is Wednesday evenings and Saturday afternoons. I would include that visitation schedule in your Plan B letter.

Your intermediary needs to be a close, trusted friend who does not need to live close by. He/she only needs to be willing to act as a SPAM filter and pass on pertinent information. Choose someone who has some BALLS because she can't allow herself to be scared by some bullying from your H.

I would start writing the letter in your own words and post it here so we can give you feedback. Get your IM lined up and make arrangements for child exchanges so you can include that in your letter. You don't have to write the letter verbatim, but just make it a very pleasant letter, no anger. It is the last memory of you that he will have.

In the letter, give him your conditions for reconciliation:

1. end his affair
2. commit to marriage reocvery
3. get a new job
4. move away

And I would move away from there as soon as you can. Regardless of what happens in your marriage, you don't want to live in a community with the OW and all her friends. That will be a nightmare for you. And if your marriage is to ever recover, you need to be far away from there.