Then he can only have her during the week!

Good girl! There has to be a way.

Letter sent!

I used most of your language (although I took out some of the gushier parts....but I did say I'd meet his needs and be his friend again). My friend in SoCal agreed to be my intermediary.

He is going to hate it so much. He called me seven times yesterday. I just shut off my phone at some point. He is apparently miserable and has no place to stay since he sent her the no-contact letter. He could, of course, stay at home if he wanted to reconcile....but you know...following the rules of marriage is just SO HARD. Monogamy is such a bore.

PW, i fully expect him to do everything and anything [other than meet your conditions, of course] to get you to agree to stay in contact. He will say things like "how can we get to know each other if we aren't in contact?" Waywards hate losing control over their spouses, so just expect this.

Your conditions for reconciliation need to be:

1. verified proof of no contact
2. commitment to recover the marriage via the MB program
3. changing occupations
4. moving out of the area

The above are the only way your marriage is going to recover. He has already demonstrated that his occupation is too tempting for him.. It is the environment in which he had an affair.

And of course, he would have to move in with you. The fact that he doesn't even want to move in with you shows he is not in the least bit serious.

I would also block his access to you. Change the locks, block his # on your phone, block his emails. He will try to get through and will not accept losing control over you.

Affirmative.

Blocking him on Facebook will be the best part...his facebook posts are totally crazy these days.

Oh and he does now want to move in and has backed down from the legal separation. Sent no-contact letter and he asked his boss if she resigned.

But still on the fence about moving...

Plan B letters usually cause chaos with the wayward.
You need to make sure he has no way of contacting you and your friend needs to understand to only pass on pertinent information.

So...if this thing works, how do I know? Even if he agrees to everything at some point, how/when do I let him back in?

I am so wary of EVERYTHING he says because he is just such a huge mess right now.

How do you know this? Are you in contact with him?

He needs to CONVINCE your IM of his sincerity. And they usually are not serious at first. Your conditions are non-negotiable, btw. Typically a WS will try and negotiate away your conditions. You can't do that.

My friend just sent the letter (like a couple of hours ago). She hasn't said if he replied or not.

Yesterday, he was texting me that he wanted to come home and that he didn't want a legal separation. I just ignored it. The more I ignore, the more concessions he is making (at least verbally).

I have another question: do you really believe anyone can fall prey to an affair? I could never imagine myself doing it at all--ever. But looking at my husband's faults--entitlement, impulsiveness, instant gratification--it seems like he was primed for this after his father died ( serial cheater) and he was feeling grief and loss.

I have faults of my own--sharpness, hardness sometimes--but they would never lead to an affair. Some people seem primed.

Any one of us would have an affair under the right conditions and none of us would have an affair under other conditions. People who are very impulsive seem to be a higher risk.

Dr. Harley used to think it was genetic, because so many men in his own family had had affairs. He was concerned that he might have one and hurt Joyce, so from the beginning, they both took Extraordinary Precautions to prevent an affair. If we all took EPs in marriage, we would be removing most of the conditions that would lead to an affair.

It's probably not genetic per se, but people learn how to deal with things from their parents. My father-in-law was a terrible husband and father. He dealt with his issues by cheating and running away, which is the example my husband saw. Even before the affair, my husband would threaten to divorce me at least once a year, usually over some bad behavior he got caught in (like opening up a new credit card without telling me and charging $1500). He would announce, "You are so controlling. I'm leaving." Then fake pack a bag and leave for 15 minutes and come back. I would cry and pout and beg him to come back. Now I Know I should have shown him the door without a second thought and told him not to come back until he paid it all off!

But it was this same behavior coupled with opportunity (Little Miss Gym Rat) that led him to it. When I noticed he was texting her too much, I got the same line: "You're too controlling. I'm leaving." But this time, he really did it because he thought he'd have someplace better to land. He is just starting to realize that that wasn't true.

Yes an affair could happen to anyone but some people may give in very easily while others would have to had gone through a lot of crud to feel justified to engage in one. If I ever had an affair, I think I would really, really REALLY have to be in a bad place mentally and pretty messed up...plus put myself in a bad position to allow it. That is not that case with me exWH.

BSs have a very high chance of having an affair...just think of how emotional you are after Dday...and sometimes numb to the point that you just don't care at the moment. KWIM?

Your husband was not committed to a loving, caring marital relationship.

The issue is Boundaries.
When Joseph (from the Bible) was tempted...actually asked to have sex by a beautiful woman he RAN OUT of the room!
We have to stay out of situations that place us in temptation.

I'm getting word (and he sent me the email) that he put in notice at work. That took all of one day.

What is the next step?