ML,
I did expose the affair! To as many people as I knew I could reach in that period of time of 1 day..Dr. H also says "multiple" exposures won't/don't work. Saying the word "affair" to my children or inappropriate hurtful relationship, while naming names is in my mind and my kids mind, the same....I don't even know if my son knows the definition of affair.

How do you confront the OM from 3000 miles away, in any other way than what I did? Keep contacting him? What purpose would that serve if I go the D route anyway? Would I be contacting him to try and break up the affair and save my marriage? I'm conflicted by what many posters are advising. I exposed, and it MAY be working...I'm still snooping, should I be to get my WW to finally admit? I'm not ignoring people's advice...I'm settling down a bit to develop a plan...pre-praring for D (getting funds situated, looking for apartments I could afford, etc.)

No he doesn't. Nor did anyone tell you to do "multiple exposures." You haven't even done a comprehensive exposure. You haven't even confronted the OM or exposed on his side, haven't exposed to your kids!!


More nonsense. Using such vague weasel language with children only makes the problem worse, not better.

]
Like I said, since you are REFUSING to follow the advice, there is nothing here for us to do. Even if you are getting divorced, everyone should know about the affair, and the OM should certainly be CONFRONTED, just as Dr Harley advises. You are a smart enough fella to figure out HOW to do that.

I have no doubt that the "exposures" you did do were all framed and qualified with similar weasel words as you have described in this thread.

What EXACTLY did you tell them?

Would YOU, a grown man, understand what I meant if I said my husband was having an "inappropriate hurtful relationship" with someone? If you said this to me, I would not understand what you meant and would have to ask several questions to understand. No adult would let you get away with such vague, incomprehensible language.

So I cannot imagine why you would expect CHILDREN to understand vague innuendo when no adult would understand it!

It just seems to me like you want to check a box rather than truly expose. Your kids KNOW their mom is catting around like an alley cat in heat and your inability to be honest with them conveys endorsement and establishes moral confusion.

MWIL, thats doesn't even make sense if you think your son may not know the definition of an affair. Instead of assuming what they may think, why don't you speak to them plainly and be direct. You are making this way more difficult than it has to be. If there is any truth to your WW's comments that you talking to them is awkward and uncomfortable...honestly, I can see why that may be the case. You are tip toeing around the issue vs being direct and plain.

My children are the same age as yours and understood what adultery and an affair was when I first exposed to them back when they were ages 6 and 8. If your youngest doesn't understand what an affair is at age 12, now is a good time to explain it to him. Kids are not stupid. It is often adults who are uncomfortable having these discussions and they don't give proper and clear explanation.

You should also explain how an affair destroys a marriage, a family, trust etc. It is not hard to understand why and doesn't have to be a lecture. I also recommend you be upfront with your children that the affair is taking a toll on you on top of your health issues...and that their mom refuses to stop the destructive behavior. If they see you being a zombie, anxious or whatever from lack of sleep...of course they are going to wonder what the heck is wrong with you...you nor your WW are giving them the truth. Clear these things up instead of tip toeing around them and avoiding them. You are letting your WW make you look bad.

x 2

I was also married to a serial cheater...and divorced him. Your WW KNOWS she is hurting you AGAIN and does not care. I hope you get ahold of yourself and don't let this woman run you into the ground. Continuing to live like this will be hell for you and your kids. This is not a first offense...she knows better and does not care. There is no reason to Plan A.

Sir,

You are not thinking clearly.
You've mentioned everything from Plan B while living together ....to plan A for the next year or so.
You haven't been factual with your kids and seem to be paralyzed by fear.

I'm dealing with a sociopath....lawyer meeting next week...she is turning the kids on me...."Daddy, it's better when you're not around, mommy is always upset with you here"....WTF!!!

You didn't tell them the truth! This is the result.

How are you upsetting her?

And what makes you call her a sociopath? She is having an affair, and doing what all waywards do.

Exactly. Since you didn't tell them the truth she is now trying to manipulate the kids. This is why we told you to expose to the kids.

I took everyone's advice. Told both kids mommy is having an affair...about 4 days ago. WW started an argument with me remaining calm. She gave me her phone said search what you want. I took it and found her FB APP (she removed if from her homescreen) and I said there's the FB app...she went biz erk grabbed the phone and called for my son...as she grabbed the phone she punched me 3 times and then as my son came downstairs she "flopped to the ground " and told my son "daddy pushed me". DR wasn'the home...I'm staying at my dad'said for a few days till I meet with lawyer. WW is yelling at my presence in the house.

So she's set you up for a domestic abusive charge. We always warn men to record their interactions with WWs as this is a common occurrence.

I hope you have a voice activated recorder with you.

I think this woman is just evil and I would cut it off with her: Full Plan B.

You need to get the OM posted on www.cheaterville.com and wreak public shame on this affair

Sorry MWIL, but you can see how low your WW will go. If you need anything from the house take your dad or a trusted family member or friend to go with you but do not go alone. WW can not keep you out of the house to collect your things. And I would just show up vs calling her to tell her you are coming...no need for that.

If she tries to contact you, just ignore her until you speak to the attorney. Don't delete and texts or emails she sends. She will be looking to get ammo against you so don't engage the crazy.

This was my advice to you a few weeks ago, and it remains the same except the part about taking her back if she agrees to the EP's. Time find safety away from her, and take the kids with you. Go see a lawyer IMMEDIATELY and carry a VAR with you at all times.

Carry a VAR on you all the time. Have you documented all of this?

Stayed with my Dad for a couple days....let things "cool off" then got the "letter" from WW that this was all "my fault" and that a month ago she was not ready to AT ALL to leave the marriage until I "jumped" to conclusions....blah...blah... and "we are done"..now school sends this email:

Hi Mr. and Mrs. xxxxxxx,
I understand "DS" has been going through a tough time at home; however, I wanted to keep you updated on how he is doing in school. At this time, he has a significant amount of missing homework assignments. I am going to give him a sheet from Schooltools that has highlighted items that he needs to complete and hand in as soon as possible. Most of the assignments are in social studies. Two are from science and one from math. I completely understand if he is struggling to stay focused and get things done. Hopefully, between all of us, we can get him back on track at school as to not add to any anxiety he may be feeling at this time. Let me know if you have any questions or concerns. Thanks, "xxxxxx teacher"


I'm going back home....and staying there....yes, with VAC on at ALL times!! My kids need me!!!!