I know you have been on other threads on this forum, discussing this very thing. And therefore you have seen how 'suspicions' can destroy a person, make them feel crazy, lead to a deep seated resentment that is difficult to overcome.

Even if you never tell your wife, that does not mean she doesn't KNOW. She knows, she just can't prove anything. How do you ever expect her to fall back in love with you, and create a romantic loving marriage, when she knows you are being deceptive???

Finally, you do not KNOW she will leave. You only think she might, because frankly, she probably should and has every right to. But you do not know that for a fact. You are denying her the truth based on your own disrespectful judgement of what she will do, not based on fact.

What you need to do is this. Schedule a polygraph for yourself. Yes you heard that right. Any person with a brain, after having been deceived and trickle truthed for so long, upon being told a piece of information (maybe the last, maybe not?), would not believe it. It doesn't matter if YOU know that you have laid out all the information on the table, once and for all. Because SHE does not know that.

Schedule a poly for yourself. Then, sit her down and tell her everything. If the only thing you have not told her is about your long term online affair, great. If there is more, tell her that too. Everything. Answer any questions she might have, no matter how painful it is to her or you. She has a right to know the information, and it is not up to you to decide differently. Remember that when you have the inclination to 'protect her' by keeping a piece of info to yourself, you are really trying to protect YOU and not her at all.

Tell her you have a polygraph scheduled. Tell her that she can take some time to think about what questions she wants to ask you, and can write you a list. Tell her that she alone can talk to the polygraph examiner and make decisions about the test, and you will just appear, pay for it, and take it. Tell her that you are done lying, and you want to prove to her that there are no more secrets.

Tell her that you would like to rebuild your marriage and make it better than it has ever been. Tell her that if she is willing to walk that path with you you would be honored, but if she decides that she would rather not, you will honor and respect that decision too.

This will be the first time in a long time you have honored and respected your wife, and put her first. Are you up for the challenge?

Dave, your wife needs to know about every single one of your "indiscretions," and you need to tell her. If she decides your marriage is worth recovering, then you and she will need to institute Extraordinary Precautions to ensure that you have removed the temptations from your life. How can she set up non-negotiable EPs if she doesn't even know the full truth?

Sure, there are lots of so-called "experts" telling cheaters that "as long as you have learned your lesson" and that "you will never do it again," then take your secret to the grave. They say things like, "Don't hurt your spouse even more by revealing the truth" and "what they don't know won't hurt them."

This is a very deceitful way to be stay in a relationship. Your wife does deserve to know the truth and to make her decision to stay or go. If she decides to stay, she will know your temptations and will make sure she sets up EPs to guard against them.

If you really want to create a great marriage, suggest that your spouse come to this forum.

This is a poor excuse to justify lying to your wife. It is not the truth that is harmful to your wife, but the adultery. I don't really care what "some people say," that view is indefensible because anyone who knows about marriages knows they can't be built on a foundation of lies.


You only see a clever way to cover your own *ss because you don't want to face the consequences of your actions. Lets not pretend like you are keeping your dirty secret for your wife's sake. It is all for YOU and in your own selfish interest.

You already KNOW your wife would want a divorce and you are cruelly manipulating her into staying married to you on false premises. You are being profoundly selfish, cruel and manipulative.


You don't need an "expert" to tell you what is right and wrong. You know it is wrong to lie to your spouse. Especially when it is only to cover your *ss.

A person who lies about their despicable behavior has not changed their ways and is not remorseful or repentant. That person is a dangerous person.

I realize it takes BALLS to tell your victim the truth, but we have full confidence you can step up to the plate and do it. We will see if you can do it.

IF NOT, you are on the wrong forum, because we will not help you continue to deceive and manipulate your wife.

This is just a rabbit trail and a distraction. You don't need an "expert" to know that lying to your spouse and manipulating her into staying married to you is wrong. If you DO, then you are one messed up, screwed up individual and we can't help you.

Bottom line, is that you can't fix a marriage that is based on lies and fraud. If you think you can, then you need to find another forum.

It's no rabbit trail. I'm an analytical person. When a person starts talking about qualitative numbers and research I'm very interested in those things. I'm uninteresting enough to read about stuff like that whether it helps me in this process or not. If those numbers and data are out there, I'd like to see it.

Unwritten, I mean you no disrespect, but polygraphs are junk science. If I choose to tell my wife everything I won't offer up a polygraph because I firmly believe in real science. If I tell her everything she will leave, she told me as much. A polygraph won't be necessary, but I'll need a good divorce lawyer.

Answer me this, is it worth staying in a marriage if it is more for the kids than the love of a spouse? How does Dr. Harley view the bad affects of divorce on kids? It's an honest question. I need to go into this decision thinking of everything incase I tell her, I need to have my ducks in a row for divorce.

Another question, is it okay to curse so long as we don't spell out the whole word? The rules said no offensive language, so I've been watching myself.

I don't see anything here that indicates you are very analytical. Rather, I see someone who is very manipulative. If you were too analytical, you wouldn't have got yourself in this mess in the first place.

I will state again that you don't need to see any "qualitative numbers' to know right from wrong. That is a needless distraction.


You need to be asking your WIFE this question, not us. It is her decision to make, not yours and not ours.

It's not a question about "should you tell" or what experts to trust. You don't need an expert to know that making decisions for other people is highly disrespectful. Sure, some "experts" are happy to collaborate with people in justifying their disrespect, but that doesn't make it less disrespectful.

A relationship where one person wronged another and conceals it in an attempt to force the other to make the "right" decision is not marriage. You might call it marriage, but it is really slavery.

What your children need is for their parents to practice MARRIAGE. You need to learn what real marriage is.

Moot point. Marriage Builders promotes the proven practice of creating love in marriage, using scientific techniques.

I want to clarify the sentence in bold. I never said the things I did were nothing major. I said the issues in our marriage were nothing major. I know what I did was major, especially in the eyes of my wife. I'm not blind to her pain or to what I did.

Dishonesty in a marriage is painful. So, you are either blind or selfish/manipulative. I vote latter.

AM

No need to get in a pi**ing match about whether you believe I'm analytical or not. And I don't care much what you believe about it.

Never said I needed them, but I'm interested and would like to see them. I'll ask the gentleman that brought them up.

I'm leaning towards telling her. I'll think more on it tonight, and if I decide to tell her I'll have my parents pick up and keep the kids tomorrow night.

If you have time and don't mind, I'd like to get the information you posted about Dr. Harley's numbers.

As someone who was invited into a marriage on false and selfish pretenses - which were only revealed afterwards - I can tell you that you are victimizing your wife terribly by manipulating her into staying into a marriage for the good of someone else (you) and not her.

Don't try to justify it by parading your children out shield her wounded, mangled body bleeding in the ditch. You put her there, you offer her the hand out (i.e. the truth).

....and SHUT UP about the numbers already.

A minimum of googling may give you more background information, but right now you need to give your wife the truth about the way you are draining the time out of her life for your selfish purposes under a big fat lie.

Not to worry. The ones that think they need to make strongly worded posts have no more affect than those that speak without the condescension and authoritarian tone.

They don't ruffle me or scare me.

My point is that you don't NEED to see any statistics to know right from wrong, which is the basis of this discussion. It is a needless distraction to this thread, whether you are "analytical" or not.


It is the right thing to do even if it leads to divorce. Your wife has a right to make that determination for herself. And if she doesn't decide to divorce, we can help you put your marriage back together.

Thank you, I googled but couldn't come up with anything regarding his numbers. I'll keep looking.

I already addressed the other part of your post.