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I'm getting word (and he sent me the email) that he put in notice at work. That took all of one day.
What is the next step? Do NOT speak with him or respond to him directly (or through IM) until a poster experienced with Plan B responds to you
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Also, his email should be blocked.
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Even before the affair, my husband would threaten to divorce me at least once a year, usually over some bad behavior he got caught in (like opening up a new credit card without telling me and charging $1500). He would announce, "You are so controlling. I'm leaving." Then fake pack a bag and leave for 15 minutes and come back. I would cry and pout and beg him to come back. Now I Know I should have shown him the door without a second thought and told him not to come back until he paid it all off! I wish very much I had shown my STBX the door the first time he stated he was sorry he married me....or that he should just leave. That type of sentiment/threat cannot be fixed by sweeping it under the mat. It just keeps coming back in larger and uglier forms. It will always be the elephant in the relationship you are tiptoeing around, and that he is using to bully you so that you tiptoe. You are doing the right thing. Stay strong.
Are you living in a covenant with death? With bitterness in your marriage? Read Isaiah 28. The bed will not be long enough or the covers wide enough for you to ever find comfort in that life. In Isaiah 28, God tells you to take a stick and beat these conditions out of your life.
Isaiah 28:29 "This [command] also cometh forth from the Lord of hosts, which is wonderful in counsel, and excellent in working."
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IM passed on that he is willing to move and sent his schedule for the day.
I agree that his behavior before was crazy and the affair is an extension of that. It's one of those things you don't know/understand until something like this happens.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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He never "fought fair" if you know what I mean.
I bought and just read the book, "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. Changed.My.Life.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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So has he told your IM that he is willing to abide by all the conditions?
The financial infidelity predating the affair certainly gives one pause. That was the case in my own marriage and like you, I too had a cheater FiL.
I think sometimes men see IB in their fathers and think such excessive independence is normal. They don't fullly appreciate it puts them directly in the path of an A. Marriage and consideration keeps us wise and safe.
I was childless though and could skip away.
He could learn better habits, but he would need to be on board 100 pc. Do you have the MB list of conditions required for a recovery? Will he sign up to them all?
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Hi All,
I did send him a list of things. I haven't heard back about everything on the list. My IM hasn't said anything.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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My IM asked him why I should stay married to him and he didn't know. He said he knows what he did was really bad and that he is fighting his own demons, which makes him a lousy partner.
I would concur with all of that. Asking for advice on how to proceed.
Last edited by PigletWiglet; 09/24/14 12:13 PM.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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My IM asked him why I should stay married to him and he didn't know. He said he knows what he did was really bad and that he is fighting his own demons, which makes him a lousy partner.
I would concur with all of that. Asking for advice on how to proceed. PW, I would have WH start looking into places to move. If he is remotely serious about R he will start looking vs whine and complain. Since OW still lives there, staying isn't really an option. If you have any specific questions or want an affair timeline perhaps you can use this time to get that. There are many WHs that were let back into the house only to be lazy and do little or nothing after all their crocodile tears and empty promises dried up. Not sure if this is really appropriate for Plan B but there is no way I would let a WH back into the house without some serious, serious effort. FYI, I never did Plan A or B.
BW - me
exWH - serial cheater
2 awesome kids
Divorced 12/2011
Many a good man has failed because he had a wishbone where his backbone should have been.
We gain strength, and courage, and confidence by each experience in which we really stop to look fear in the face... we must do that which we think we cannot.
--------Eleanor Roosevelt
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Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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He is willing to move....but he also can't answer the question of why I should stay married to him.
I would like to hear something like, "You should stay married to me because I love you and I want to make things right. I screwed up our lives and I don't want to be a guy who runs after instant gratification anymore."
I am not holding my breathe for such an answer.
Last edited by PigletWiglet; 09/24/14 06:24 PM.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Bump.
He quit is job and is asking about when I am moving. Is asking if my parents would be willing to let him stay when I move to work on marriage. His OP quit her job as well after he sent a no contact letter.
These are the right steps. He needed someone to throw him off the fence he was sitting on.
It's good but now I am facing these things myself. Will I ever get past this? How could he destroy something so precious? Our marriage was definitely not in dire straits and he admits that. It was a rough patch and this happens. I am SO SCARED of reconciling and having this happen again.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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He is willing to move....but he also can't answer the question of why I should stay married to him.
I would like to hear something like, "You should stay married to me because I love you and I want to make things right. I screwed up our lives and I don't want to be a guy who runs after instant gratification anymore."
I am not holding my breathe for such an answer. Don't ask that again!! Just look at his actions. Would you ask a falling down drunk such a question? Just think of him like that. Just keep moving forward and get moved out of that area. I have to catch up but it looks like you are doing the right things.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My IM asked him why I should stay married to him and he didn't know. He said he knows what he did was really bad and that he is fighting his own demons, which makes him a lousy partner.
I would concur with all of that. Asking for advice on how to proceed. The job of an IM is to ONLY pass on pertinent information. She should not be asking him things like that.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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My IM asked him why I should stay married to him and he didn't know. He said he knows what he did was really bad and that he is fighting his own demons, which makes him a lousy partner.
I would concur with all of that. Asking for advice on how to proceed. The job of an IM is to ONLY pass on pertinent information. She should not be asking him things like that. Piglet, There is a "IM TRaining Thread" here in the forum. I suggest that you ask your IM to come here and read it so she knows what to do. You're blessed to have someone in this role but she needs to know what is expected of her and the IM training thread explains that.
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Thanks.
I guess she thinks him quitting and wanting to move with us is pertinent information. Which I would say it is.
But I will tell her to stop asking those things.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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Thanks.
I guess she thinks him quitting and wanting to move with us is pertinent information. Which I would say it is. I agree. But I will tell her to stop asking those things. But asking him questions like why you should stay married to him is inappropriate. He is supposed to let her know when he is ready to commit to all the conditions in your letter. When he IS ready, you can meet with him and listen to his plan. But he has to commit to an ACTION PLAN to do them all. No negotiation and no "i will try and do that in the future."
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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His sent his conversations about quitting to my IM. So I know he has resigned. He has agreed to everything. Sent his NC letter. She resigned as well. He also said he would pay back the money to our savings that he used to move out (although I only kicked him out a week ago, so he hasn't done this yet. I can wait for him ton do it). He is also trying to get my IM to get me to talk to him about the best ways to move our stuff.
I can't confirm no contact, if course, because he has been out of the house.
Me: 38, have been divorced for 4 years
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His sent his conversations about quitting to my IM. So I know he has resigned. He has agreed to everything. Sent his NC letter. She resigned as well. He also said he would pay back the money to our savings that he used to move out (although I only kicked him out a week ago, so he hasn't done this yet. I can wait for him ton do it). He is also trying to get my IM to get me to talk to him about the best ways to move our stuff.
I can't confirm no contact, if course, because he has been out of the house. That is great!! I would set up a meeting with him and listen to his plan. You will need to judge his sincerity and help put together an ACTION plan to move. You are doing great! 
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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If you have the "how to Plan B correctly" thread this is also in there. IM Training School
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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