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Well, I denied and denied it back in July. I tried to investigate myself, unsuccessfully. I hired a PI, but heard nothing - He must have just pocketed my money.

W called me and confessed a 7 month A, which OM ended 3 weeks ago. She told me just before he broke up with her that she wanted a D. She has not mentioned anything about us since the reveal. I don't even think I want to be M to her anymore, anyway. My heart finally became at peace with our situation a couple of weeks ago, and I was excited about a new future. I'm sickened and don't even know if it's worth trying with her again, IF she even wants to.

But, anyway, I thought I would give you all props for stating the obvious back in July. She left me for OM.

I'm so sorry for your pain. We really do wish we are wrong in these situations.

Do you want to try and save your marriage?

Who is the OM? Is he married?

I don't know right now. I need more time to process everything. I have come a long way in learning how to deal with trauma. I'm actually not insanely hurt right now. I would have been borderline suicidal 6 months ago.

A few days before she revealed that to me, after she emphatically said she wanted a D after months of contemplation, and after I became at peace with our situation, I talked to a girl who recently got out of a longtime R with a BF who wouldn't marry her. It's my sister's best friend. Me, my sister, BIL and her went out and had a bunch of fun last Friday night. Nothing physical or even really emotional happened, we just hung out at a bar and all danced. I could sense interest from her, and I definitely have interest for her. I know that it wasn't WW's personality that caused our M to fail, but this other girl has lots of qualities that WW doesn't have, which makes me wonder what it would be like to be with her. She is fun-loving, exciting, adventurous. WW has lots of great qualities but those aren't part of them. But they are part of my personality. I would always want to dance at a wedding, or go somewhere adventurous and outdoors for our vacations. WW would rather sit down with a glass of wine at a wedding, or go on a cruise or to a luxury hotel for our vacations. I was okay with those choices, but I would be thrilled to be with a woman who wanted to do the things that I also really wanted to do. I know I'm not ready to start a new serious R, but I saw what kind of potential there is out there. I was really excited about the future, and I was at peace letting WW go. I didn't ask out this other girl yet, but we did make plans to go skiing (as friends, with a group) in the next couple of weeks. It's not really just this specific girl that has me excited about a new future, just the idea that I could find happiness again, and possibly with someone that it wouldn't be as much of a struggle to find common ground with.

So now I'm questioning if I even want to go back to the M with WW. I do believe we could rebuild to something better than we ever had. I believe in the MB principles, because they perfectly explain how we fell apart. I will eventually forgive WW for the A, because I believe very deeply in forgiveness. My personal belief, though, is that our vows are broken, and for better or worse no longer applies. So I have to decide if I want to take a leap of faith with WW and spend more years working with her (although it would be real M work, which we've never done), or take a leap of faith into the great unknown outside of my M, which I'm no longer afraid of but excited about.

Also, WW has not mentioned that she wants to reconcile. But I know now that she is following the WW script to a T, I know it's possible that she could come down from her fantasy land in the near future and change her mind.

I don't know exactly who he is. He is from her MBA program which I mentioned in the beginning. She claims it's not the guy I originally suspected. I don't know if I believe her, but I don't know why she would feel the need to lie about that...which guy it is makes no difference to me.

And yes, he is married, with kids. Apparently he dumped her so he could try to reconcile with his W. They had a by-the-book A. It lasted an average amount of time and ended when one of them lost the brain chemistry that stirs up in the beginning of a R. Apparently WW and OM had talked about a future together.

The A explains SO much about the last 6 months. I think what astounds me the most is just how much she lied to me. She lied everyday, and in so many different ways. And I honestly don't think she ever lied to me before this fiasco, not even a little lie. A's make people do crazy things, I guess.

Your choice to end your marriage is definitely your choice to make and I don't think you'll find anyone here that will fault you for that choice.

One thing you need to make sure and do is expose her affair especially to the OM's BW. You know how you felt not knowing for those agonizing months. Find OMBW and expose to her.

Another thing is get D before you start getting involved with anyone. You are walking on thin ice contemplating another woman. You're on the verge of an affair yourself.

Why was he UN-reconciled with his wife?

I suspect that the ending of your wife's affair has nothing to do with the loss of brain chemistry. What probably happened is that his wife found out and threw him out. He dumped your wife because he has no intention of being with her and he wants to get back with his wife. He was a cake-eater and your wife fell for that.

Anyway, contact OMW to find out what she knows. Make sure that you do not leave messages on a phone, because these can easily be intercepted - and so can email. Try and speak to this woman on the phone, or visit her house.

I don't have a name and she's definitely not going to give it to me. My heart goes out to her and her kids, but the last thing I feel like doing is more snooping again and learning about the POS that got his jollies with my W for 6 months. I don't need that in my life right now

Your interest in this other woman, how ever early the stage it has reached, is affecting your judgement about reconciling your marriage.

You need to stay away from dates, even in group situations, until your divorce is finalised, should it ever get to that stage. You are looking forward to your single life, where you can have your daughter stay with you a few nights a week, and the rest of the time you can date and have relationships that you did not have before you married this woman when you were both so young, and you were so inexperienced. The prospect of sowing your wild oats, and possibly marrying a new fun woman and having more children, is blinding you to how this divorce will affect your daughter, and how hard it will be to make a second marriage work.

Do you want some man, chosen by your unsound wife, to become your daughter's live-in stepfather? Have you any idea how unhappy she will be when she's older and being shunted between the two homes?

You have the absolute right to walk away from your marriage because of this affair. Just make the decision about whether to reconcile with a clear head, free of images of the attractive fun single women that you are looking forward to dating. Will your life as a divorced and re-married man, and your daughter's life with a step father - or possibly several - be better than being married to your wife could be?

Agree. The OM's wife probably investigated and busted her H. Most married men are not going to lose a marriage over a piece of side nookie. I would contact the OM's wife and compare notes. Regardless of what you decide to do, the affair should be exposed. The reason is because your W and the OM may resume their affair. If everyone knows, they are less likely to do that.

You are fully within your rights to end your marriage over the affair. No one would fault you if you made that choice. I will just say that it is so frustrating when people come here and don't listen to our advice to dig out the affair. We can usually kill the affair when it is brought out into the open. But when they are allowed to linger on for months, it is much harder to recover because the wayward mind becomes very entrenched. It is a nightmare to go through a divorce with a wayward mind.

Oh dear me, more DB nonsense.

You can't protect yourself, and your daughter, from this interloper in your marriage if you don't even know who he is, and if you do not take steps to make sure he stays away from your wife.

Are you saying that you are sure you want nothing more to do with your wife, and so who she was/is involved with is of no interest to you? She can marry him, if his wife does not take him back?

Are you THAT sure that you are done with this marriage? You are that sure after only...how many days is it since you found out about the affair?

Bad idea. You need to find out who it is and bring this out into the open. Do you want this man to become your children's step daddy? Find out who it is, make contact with his wife and keep this POS out of your lives. He may very well decide to show up for some more free nookie and ingratiate himself into your wife and children's lives.

I'm not on the verge of an A. I am not swept up with emotions for that girl, and I don't intend to do anything with anyone unless I'm D'd. That said, my personal belief is that our M is already over. Our vows are broken. Our finances are split. I'm living in my mom's basement because I had to sell the house. All that is left is a computer file in some government server.

How do you explain that you were not able to find this out before your wife told you? Did you actually snoop?

It must be the guy you originally suspected. Do you know his name? Can you find out if his marriage has broken down?

If it really isn't him, you can find out the name if he is on her course. There must be some easy way of doing so.

Remind me where she went to live when she left you with the house, please.

I'm sorry to contradict, but you sounded pretty emotionally swept up in the post you made about her.

You are completely overwhelmed with emotions right now because of having just discovered the affair, and having realised how much of a lie you have been living for these months. Your wife pushed you into selling the house and losing your daughter for half of the rest of her childhood, and all the time you were trying to understand her she was lying to you and having sex with some scumbag.

You need to give yourself time to make rational decisions about the future.

Have you read the latest edition of Surviving an Affair? You must do so immediately. You say your wife is a textbook WW. Sue in the book was a textbook WW, and her marriage recovered beyond both her and her husband's expectations. Textbook WWs tend to have textbook affair crashes and then textbook realisations that their marriages are the best place for them to be.

If I knew anything about him, I would contact her. I know NOTHING about him, other than he goes to an MBA program that has about 400 other guys exactly like him in it.

I'm done trying to control her. If she wants to marry a fellow adulterer, that's her decision. I am going to be the best dad I can be when I have my daughter.

I was swept up for one night with her. Nothing happened, I haven't spoke with her since. If I get a D I will ask her out, eventually, if she's not with someone by then.

You can say that again about my emotions. The suggestion to conact OM's BW caused me to text WW, which led to a disastrous conversation, ending with threatening each other with lawyers.

No I haven't read SAA. What happens when the BS moves on from the M before the WS has their epiphany?