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Please add this to your "90 in 90" reading list.If type A resentment could truly last for the life of the memory, how do you ever deal with it? What can I do to make amends or make it better for her? A lot of Dr Harley's critics see POJA as the power of veto. They criticise it because, as far as they can see, its only purpose is to give one spouse the power to wreck the other spouse's plans and make them unhappy, by saying "no, I don't want you to do that". Regardless of how important the event or desired activity would be, the vetoing spouse gets to say "no", and the desiring spouse has to put up with that. For critics, POJA would only make an unhappy marriage, full of disagreements, worse. Critics see POJA is as a perfect tool for the spiteful spouse to rule the roost. I get the sense that you have seen it like that. As long as you see POJA as "things she was preventing me from doing", you will not want to use it and you will enforce your IB on your wife, and you will fail to rescue your marriage from the divorce that is already a certainty as things stand. If you can begin to see POJA as a way of preventing you from doing things that hurt your wife, and as a way of ensuring that win-win agreements are reached about everything, you can turn your divorce around. If you see your marriage as one of extraordinary care and protection of your wife, then POJA is the only process that makes sense. You could not contemplate taking decisions that hurt your wife if her feelings and perspectives are your primary concern. You could not conceive of ever doing something that benefits you at her expense. Once you start accepting the veto power as a good thing, and once you move on from there to negotiating (which does not mean applying pressure to get your way), you can ask your wife to try and understand your perspective on outcomes that you would like to achieve (like staying sober), and you can, together, think of paths to achieve those outcomes that do not hurt either of you. Your wife is not a silly, thoughtless woman who would cut off her nose to spite her face. She does not want to see you begin drinking again. She only asks that you do not put AA and sponsors above her, and what is wrong with that? POJA is not a weapon that she can use against you to prevent you from doing things you want to do. POJA is an asset that creates win-win solutions.
Last edited by DidntQuit; 06/08/15 02:12 PM.
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Mountain Man, your wife was VERY clear about what needs to happen. Have you read all of her posts in the private forum? I really think that you should dive into the MB program, talk with Sandy weekly, post to Dr. Harley as often as you post here, and your wife will see that you are trying to learn. Hi all, is it possible for somebody to post the link to the MB Radio program from April 10, 2015? It was rebroadcast on Friday and I listened to it this morning, but I would like to listen again. It has a lot of discussion that is applicable to my relationship and I'd like to listen again with my W.
I don't have access to the archives, but would appreciate it if somebody could provide the link on this thread. Is that possible?
Thanks! While it is good that you listened to MB radio and wanted a segment posted, I think that spending $50 on access to the archives is money very well spent. You are lacking in thorough understanding and knowledge of the MB concepts. $50 is peanuts to pay for the wealth of education that you direly need. Your reluctance to subscribe may signal to your wife that you are not as committed to learning as you need to be. Definitely ask if she would be enthusiastic about your signing up.
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Please add this to your "90 in 90" reading list. I will - thanks.
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Yes I have read my wife's posts and she was very clear about what needs to happen. My W has never lacked openness and honesty, which used to upset me due to the frequent complaints. However, I see it as feedback now.
It has been a hard night tonight and I'm feeling raw... I am travelling for business and W texted me with lots of reasons why she doesn't want to be with me and how I am worse than other husbands, even those who have had affairs. I don't blame her - I have been a completely uncaring spouse and abusive. It hurts to hear it, but I did not react with anger and disrespect as I would have done in the past.
My question for the forum is that I'm struggling to have intimate conversations with my W because it always turns into a conversation about our relationship. They typically start with casual talk about day to day things like what we did during the day, kids, etc and then the conversation turns into complaints about me and our relationship. When this happens, she tells me I am acting detached and our conversations are boring. Neither one of us is enjoying the conversation and it definitely does not make love unit deposits. Other than not react (love bust), what should I do in these conversations? If I don't react, then she thinks I am unemotional and detached... how can I connect with her when our conversations take on this flavor all the time? Any advice?
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MtnMan, we removed your thread so we could remove some inappropriate posts. It has now been returned to the forum.
MBDenali@gmail.com
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What I was saying is that your wife was clear about her main problems with you in her posts to Dr. Harley on the private MB Weekend forum.
A wife needs to be able to talk about her problems to her husband. Try to comfort her regardless of how she blames you. When we hurt each other it takes time to heal. Acknowledging your wrongs and reassuring her of your plan to behave differently in the future can help the conversation to move forward.
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Who else wants to call me a piece of [censored] whore??
Marcos? Prisca? Melody lane? Where you were before the train wreck? Where were you when my husband needed (clearly needed) the help? Oh wait, wasn't exciting enough for you all?
But this is fun isn't it?
Last edited by Mizar; 06/13/15 10:51 AM.
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Let's talk about what a whore I am.
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The fun thing about all this is that I will get banned and then won't ever be able to come back. God I can't wait.
My husband is timing a swim meet right now. I really hope he gets a chance to see this fun train wreck. He's always loved to see this [censored] go down on the boards with me.
Bring it!!! He will LOVE it!!
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I don't actually think you're a piece of [censored].
You are a woman who has made a terrible choice. No different than the one I made. I warned you this was coming.
A divorce is an easy thing to get. Get one.
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lonely4years, my wife had an affair, too, when I was behaving just like your husband.
If you want a divorce, they are easy to get.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I guess the question to ask yourself is, regardless of how bad your husband is, do you as another human being have the right to punish him?
My take is that God hasn't granted the right to punish to any of us. We are all sinners, and all made in His image, which we have marred. That takes away the right for a husband or wife to punish each other in particular.
If you want to go be with someone else, get a divorce and do it. It's easy.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Lonely-
Can you start a thread? Did you have an affair? I saw something that Dr. Harley said in the private forum. Are you okay?
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Can you call your MB Coach? Or email Dr. Harley.
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Marcos I plan to get a divorce. It's a done deal. I hate him.
I didn't do jack [censored] to "punish" my husband. As you all say it just happened and was a friendship with a kiss.
I had NOBODY and was literally at the bottom of a well. I had no friend. He was NICE. That's it.
Doesn't matter. This board is affair focused and loves the drama. Drama posts get the most replies so that's why this is all so fun.
Seriously Marcos, he asked for your help by name. He got ignored. He didn't try hard AT ALL, and never will but I felt like you all could have coached him.
And he got NO HELP
Doesn't matter.
This like everything else I've tried though out the years to help this man actually give a flying [censored], didn't work.
He can expose all he wants. I wasn't that into the other guy anyway, he was just who happened to walk by.
Last edited by lonely4years; 06/13/15 10:57 AM.
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Marcos I plan to get a divorce. So get a divorce. Well, no, it's not done. You're thinking about it, but it's not done. It'll be done when you do it. Everybody gets that. My name is spelled with a k by the way.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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Prisca, I plan to get one.
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Prisca, I plan to get one. I'll believe it when I see it.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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He can expose all he wants. Wonderful! Then there's no more need for drama, is there?
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Th funny thing is after the [censored] on my thread this fall I actually thought it couldn't get worse over here. Ha!
I ONLY feel bad for OMs wife. That's it. And I encouraged him to fix his marriage (actually taught him MB, and things got way better for them
Over the few months we talked). I didn't sleep with him bc I'm no whore.
You all can think whatever you want. I find it actually funny.
Last fall I actually cared what you all thought of me, as you ganged up on a severely abused woman and ACTUALLY ENJOYED IT.
I'm sorry, if anyone is a pos it isn't me. You guys help break up affairs and that's really all you do.
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