Are you filling out the UA forms and graphs?

No, we've never done them. I'll print them now.

And I've stopped drinking everyday. Wine had always taken the edge off and helped me feel more amorous and relaxed.

Do you need to get help for your drinking? Are you on ADs?

I was worried about the drinking and depression last year. I stopped cold turkey in September/October. Suffered no withdrawal. I drink now on occasion, but not daily. Maybe twice a week, a couple glasses of wine.

I'm not on ADs. I have been in the past, several times, but I cannot tolerate the side effects anymore. I think the daily drinking made the depression worse.

I physically and mentally feel good. I started working out at home, during the day, about three weeks ago. I'm back on my sugar free/grain free diet and feel much better.

Never more than one drink per day for women. Protect your liver.
http://www.cdc.gov/alcohol/faqs.htm#moderateDrinking

I do not understand...... He isn't willing to met YOUR needs which makes it hard for you to meet his and you feel bad for Him???????

He should be hurt. Stop protecting him from consequences of his actions. If he isn't willing to meet your needs, it's going to hurt you & him.

Rewarding non need meeting with SF, teaches him that you don't really need your needs met. You did the right thing!!!! Don't let this slip again.

I am glad that he stopped his LB.... But time to pick up building the romantic marriage & not give you guilt trips for having needs.

It's in His best interest to learn what You consider UA time, what You consider needs met mean.

Yesterday, they had a re-run on the radio show. The original show was from January 27, 2015. The caller, Margret, said her husband felt "inferior" because she made four times his salary.

Joyce asked, "Should she leave that job?" Dr. H, "Said no, Margret wouldn't be enthusiastic about that." Then they ended the call.

I thought they would advise her to look at a different job because it bothers her husband. He's not enthusiastic about her salary. The default would be "no nothing".

You don't need to be enthusiastic about not doing something, if your spouse is not enthusiastic about you doing it.

For example. I'm not enthusiastic about my pets being outside all the time. Doesn't matter. My husband doesn't want them in the house. So they are outside.

I wonder why Dr. Harley said that?

Are you guys following the Policy of Undivided Attention now?

Yes, Sunday before last, we sat down and scheduled 15 hours. Over the week, we got 17.5 UA hours!

This past Sunday, we scheduled 19 UA hours to be completed this week.

Wasn't that the caller that was also separated already? There were a lot of things going on in the scenario that might have come before the lack of agreement over a job.

I'd want to hear a lot more context about their situation to know exactly why he said that. I'm sure I've heard the show from that date, but I don't remember the specifics. For example, I would suspect that Dr. Harley wants her to have a career if she might need to separate from her husband in the future.

ETA: Basically, the POJA is not a loophole that a husband can use to keep his wife from doing Marriage Builders. So if he's not getting on board with the plan, she doesn't have to remain dependent on him simply because he says he's "not enthusiastic" with her plans for separation.

I listened to the show. Dr. Harley wanted them to focus on learning how to negotiate their problems for 12 weeks, and THEN start solving their issues.

You also clipped off the end of the segment. He didn't stop with "She would not be enthusiastic with that," but when on to explain how they need to learn to solve their problems and come up with their solutions, and how by doing so, many of these problems they have will fade away.

I transcribed it:

Joyce: "Let me bring up a couple of the issues. The first one being her husband feels inferior regarding income."

Margaret: "Yes, I think you could put it that way.

Joyce: "So much so that he doesn't even want to know what she's receiving in this new job. So how do you deal with that? Because she's not going to quit her job to make him feel more equal in the incomes."

Dr. Harley: "Well first of all she would not be enthusiastic about that outcome. Here's the interesting thing about problem solving in marriage and that is that I rarely come up with the solution, because I'm not either the husband or the wife and I don't fully understand their perspectives on things. What I present is the way they go about using their native creativity to solve the problems they face."

Joyce: "So the problem would be 'Hon you have a hard time with me making more than you, so now we need to make it so that you are happy with what I earn' is that how it wold go?"

Dr. Harley: "Yeah, and to be honest with you, you may find that by solving the problem of 'having trouble coming to an agreement,' some of these problems will fade away on their own."

"Do nothing" is temporary and is not designed to be comfortable. Doing nothing is what you do while you are negotiating to find a permanent solution you are both happy with.

Check out this great show from August 9, 2012 where Dr. Harley talks about the need to keep on negotiating until a permanent solution is found:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04045
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04046
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04047
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04048
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/radio_program/play_segment.cfm?sid=04049

Here's the show in question.

Radio Clip of 1-27-15's show

It seems as though they are saying, that ultimately the goal would be the husband's enthusiastic agreement with the amount of money the wife currently makes. That seems contrary to what we usually hear.

Usually, one spouse says, "When you do _______ that bothers me." The other spouse says, "Oh, I'm sorry, I won't do that again." No negotiation, no poja, it just stops. The spouse that is doing the offending behavior doesn't need to be enthusiastic about stopping.

Yes, this couple is separated. The wife needs to work, but does she need to make 4x the husband's salary?

In negotiation, would making less money be on the table? The Harley's response seems to be no. Joyce says, the wife doesn't need to quit her job and in negotiation "we need to make it so that you are happy with what I earn' is that how it wold go?"

No, ultimately the goal is for both of them to come to a solution that makes both of them happy. It might mean she quits her job, or it might not. They must negotiate.

But Dr. Harley wanted them to spend time learning to negotiate, first.

Did you relisten to the show TO?

Yes, this morning.

The couple is separated, but working on questionnaires and HNHN.
Their conflicts include, IB, step parenting issues, job travel and her income 4x his income.

So, solutions.

One solution may be for her to change jobs.

However, another solution may be for her husband to get schooling or training to increase his own salary, thus narrowing the gap.

Or, for her to work part-time and not just quit.

And, of course, those solutions are subject to PoJA, and must allow for UA time, and maintain extraordinary precautions.