Especially outdoors.

Ugh. Now he is putting up a stink about custody and me moving because it is a significant distance. This is such an enormous nightmare. My parents are no help. They just want me to stay here and get divorced.

You are right on schedule then honey. You are supposed to feeling crappy at this stage. If you were not I would suspect you were of android origin.

I think at that stage I was rocking on the bare floorboards and moaning and blubbing for a good few hours of every day!

Here I am on the other side of the tunnel, really TRULY happy. Totally healed.

You have so much to do while so hurt. We are asking you to run across a minefield with a broken leg. However if you do not - you will be blown up.

Get out of there. Then heal. Don't expect to feel better before escape is even achieved.



If he is being like this then if at all possible I would limit communications (keeping it on your terms) with him ahead of Plan B. Maybe take the kids out for the day (you probably all need a really good treat) and leave your phone at home.

Or don't answer your phone and just get some standard text responses ready: "I can't give you any legal advice I'm afraid. See a lawyer. Out for the day so can't chat xx"; "Really busy so can't chat. Speak soon." or "I will not discuss divorce with you as I don't want one." or
"That is something for the lawyers to discuss. Please respect my privacy as I mend a broken heart."
or "End your affair and I will remain here as your loving wife. I cannot even speak about the heartbreaking alternatives right now. "
or "You are breaking my heart. Please stop pursuing your affair and this divorce."
or
"Yes I agree - your affair is ripping our family apart. Please stop and allow our home to survive".

Rinse and repeat as often as needed. I would suggest that you not read any responses to your texts as they will not make sense/help you and you would be better off getting a bubble bath.

If you do need to speak on the phone with him he is obviously going to go full throttle on you so what you do is you carefully put the phone down. He will not realise and carry on while you go pick out some nice nail polish or something. Then return to the phone and say: "Oh sorry I didn't hear any of that - kitchen emergency."

But do get into Plan B soon!

I am in plan B. My attorney contacted me about this from him attorney.

Really silly, funny comedies. Get stacks of them.

That's great news.

While it is still so rough to get the missives from the lawyers ( another blubbing session greeted my first) the pain does tend to settle down a lot when you are just getting factual stuff rather than abuse.

Be prepared for him to fight everything on the legal side. Perhaps send your lawyer an email which outlines your stance on a few different things so he can just act without constantly consulting you.

Eg. The minimum financial agreement you would go for, that your moving away is non negotiable etc.

What does your lawyer say about his objection to the move? Is it an issue?

I know you have an IM and you have sent her the thread - but have you changed all your contact details?

Hi. I had a loving devoted husband of 38 years! He was my soulmate since I was 17. I still love and miss him. Trust me when I tell you that another woman can change a man completely. They become another person and can take on the OW identity. The OW tells your husband how special and wonderful he is. You become the evil wife. Your husband is being brainwashed and you have to accept it. <<<EDIT>>> My advice is to get strong and fight for every penny. He already believes you are the devil, so you may as well play the part. That's what I've been doing. It saves your sanity. <<<EDIT>>> You can do it!

Hi Indiegirl,

I live in California, a state that doesn't care what happened and is not kind to the betrayed spouse or breadwinner, both of which I am.

They see everything through a lense of continued and uninterrupted contact with both parents...even if one parent is setting a terrible moral example. Before I went into plan B, I heard my husband lecturing my daughter on lying (eyes rolling). He has exposed her to the OW, etc. All grounds in my mind for taking my kid and getting the hell out. However, in CA, that's not how it works. They don't care what he did. If he fights me and the court orders me to move back to San Francisco (actually, they will order HER back. Not me. But I'd have to go of course), I'll be screwed if I quit my job.

I am going to talk with my lawyer about my options at this point. He doesn't really want full custody or anything like that. That would impinge on his lifestyle of doing whatever he wants. He is just trying to make my life harder than he has already made it.

Infidelity laws need to be brought back. This is a GREAT moral evil. Dr. Harley is correct. It shatters people's lives in every way and exposes kids to horrible, horrible examples.

Anyway, I hate CA right now. I wish I lived in Alabama, where I could sue him for infidelity.

Same deal here in the UK. They don't care. The marriage contract is not enforceable; vows don't really require anyone to be faithful in legal terms.

However lots of us living under unjust laws made it work anyway. How? Because you are up against a wayward. One of God' s stupidest creatures.

Read the Art of War. It says that the general who is aware of the battlefield's pitfalls and makes the most intelligent plan is the one who wins.

It also says that the army behind an impenetrable fortress (Plan B) is also invincible.

In my experience Sun Tzu was dead on. So make your plans; you are the only one with the brains to do so.

YES!

I feel like I am having a panic attack now. HELP!

Breathe into a paper bag.

How are you?

I'm doing better. He attempted to drop my daughter off at the door yesterday. I just opened the door, took her and closed it as he was trying to talk to me. I'm not sure what he is thinking.

If this happens again, the recommended procedure by several women who have been in plan B is to smile, say "I would appreciate it if you do not speak to me" and walk away.

What they all think: 'How do I have my cake and eat it too?'

Good job not falling for it!

Is this a temporary situation while you get into Plan B?

You shouldn't be seeing him at drop offs for precisely this reason.

Have you read the How to Plan B correctly thread? I'm concerned you seen him right after having a panic attack. Now you are thinking about him. Not good.

I'm in plan B. He just came to to door instead of following procedure.

There is only so much I can do at this point. If he literally wants to come to the door, I can't stop him in the moment. I didn't want to get mad or make a scene, so so just took my daughter calmly, nodded my head when he said something about her flash cards and close the door (I didn't slam it, I just closed if slowly but firmly).

I'm sure he texted my IM an earful, but she hasn't said anything.

I think about him all the time. I still feel like I messed up our chance at reconcilation. He has literally quit his job and was ready to move and then I let my anger get out of control when he tried to negotiate on social media, instead of firmly stating it was non negotiable. I have a lot of resentment I am working on and feel like I sent him back to her ( although I know that's not true). I feel like I have swung wildly between doormat and aggressive witch.

Then he doesn't get to see the daughter. Period. Either you have your IM meet him with your daughter somewhere or have a relative with her and you are not home. Period. You are letting him do this. Be firm. If he doesn't follow procedure, he doesn't see her.