Yes, expose it far and wide.
On Cheaterville it helps immensely if you have a "PROOF" attached to the post.

axeslinger,

I suggest that you hit the "Notify" button on the bottom of this post and ask the Moderator to move your thread to Surviving an Affair forum.

Just got the smoking gun. I have access to her voicemail and OM left her a voicemail yesterday calling her sweetie, talking about getting home, and saying "I love you". I know it's his # from other intel, it's on FB as well.

Begin exposure?

PI is still doing his thing but I'm fired up and ready to get started tearing this affair down!

Axslinger:

Do you have all your contacts ready for exposure?

Post your target list here (i.e., WW's parents, siblings, supervisor/HR, friends, colleagues; OM's spouse if any, parents, siblings, supervisor/HR, colleagues.)
You want to expose to everyone in as short a timeframe as possible, not scattered a few at a time. Veterans here will help you refine your list.

WW targets:
Parents (talking to them in person)
Siblings
A few close aunts/uncles including an aunt/uncle couple who has been the only ones in close contact with her the whole time. They're conservative Christians, I doubt she's told them about the affair, only that she wanted out.
Our pastor
Some close friends from church.
Her college profs they had shared classes with.
Some close friends who would disapprove.

OW targets:
Every single relative I can find on FB
Any mutual friends on FB with WW
College profs in their program.
Our pastor - Faith is big part of WW's wife and OM doesn't seem to identify as a believer (and is big sin if he does). I'm going to ask our pastor to talk to him about what WW and I have meant to our church.

Other plans:

Cheaterville post

Craigslist post

City-data.org

Contact local markets he's involved with as a vendor and advise them of his conduct with my wife

I'm going to confront the OM at his house the same day I talk to WW and ask her to stop. I'll confront WW as she arrives at her job, not at the house. I've got a little speech for OM I'm going to memorize (and post here) that basically says the following:

- I care very much about WW and will do anything to win her back and make her happy.
- I will find all sorts of creative and completely legal ways to make his life miserable until the A is over.
- WW's family and I are close and this relationship is hurting all of us very deeply.
- This relationship will ultimately hurt and isolate WW from her family and church if it continues.
- He was cruel to prey on WW during a hardship of hers (failure of her business).

I'm then going to give him a portfolio with about half a dozen pictures. Some of WW and I happy together, some of WW's family and I happy together, and a screen cap of a FB post she put up on our anniversary this year that affirms her love and gratitude for me and her desire to stay with me. Ask him to look that over and think about whether destroying that to satisfy his own impulses is something that makes him feel like a good person. I'm going to give a copy to WW too, but with a less combative version of the same statement to her.

Before I leave, I'm going to hand him a prepaid cell phone. I'm going to text WW's parents when I arrive and tell them to call in 15 minutes. After I finish speaking to him, I'm going to hand him the cell phone and say "WW's parents are going to call this phone in 10 minutes, so they can explain to you just exactly what you're doing and what it's going to do to our family. Of course, you don't have answer it, but if you care about WW you will. And if you don't, we'll all know that you don't really care about WW or her future." I'm going to ask WW's parents to explain how much the affair has hurt them, how much WW has changed her behavior towards the fam because of the affair, how much they know that I do to care for and support WW, how much WW's siblings will be hurt if our marriage is dissolved, how much they and siblings care for WW and I, and how much they and WW's siblings will be hurt if I'm no longer a part of WW's life.

Hand him the phone, say that, say "good luck" and walk off.

How's that sound?

Also I'm going to have a few of the less angry people from my family contact WW and explain that while I'm hurt, they don't hate her and won't reject her for this. I'm going to steer her parents towards more of the "talk off the ledge" approach as well because WW will not respond to criticism from family well, this whole episode has been one big middle finger to anyone trying to exercise authority over her.

Some of her extended family and friends aren't on her enemies list and could probably offer criticism, though.

For OM, I want to breed criticism from his family and guilt from ours. I think he's much more likely to buckle. Other than poor moral judgement, I don't think he's a bad or angry person. But WW is all sorts of angry at the world right now, and exposure is going to crank that to 11. I'm OK with that, I just know it's not going to help talk her off the ledge. I'm going to suggest to her parents that they offer to let her stay with them for a while, she's not going to want anything to do with me for a while.

Axslinger, you have a really great plan here, but I would ask them ALL to contact her. [exposure targets on her side, that is] You have no idea who will get through to her so don't try to control who and how. NO wayward responds to criticism well, so don't try to imagine you have any control over that.

I would also just ask her parents to call the dirtbag and tell him to stay away from their daughter and that he will never be welcome at their home. Have them call his phone # and don't give him any warning. He is a coward and worm who will avoid their call so don't help him escape their call.

Please don't do that. If they are moral, caring people they are not going to allow her to stay there while she is having an affair.

Agree x 1000

Agree x 1000 again!

Less is more with fogged out waywards. I would just add to bring someone with you to ensure the situation doesn't escalate into something that could get you into trouble.

I don't think you explained what this OM's connection is to your WW - do they work together? Also did you investigate whether he is married? (Separated still means married)

He won't care about this or about the pictures or FB post you plan to give him so I wouldn't bother. Just remember waywards are the equivalent of falling down drunks.

I just want to comment on this bc I also saw a comment from you about a spirtual relapse on the part of your WW and some other things. Try not to get caught up in analyzing why this happened. She was not a victim of the OM (as many BS's want to believe).

She has terrible boundaries around men. It's as simple as that! If you two end up working on recovery, she will have to agree to give up opposite sex friendships, etc. We will help you on that step when you get there.

Good luck with your exposure!

WOW ax you are doing good!

Good luck with this exposure, and kudos to you for having the tenacity and care for your marriage to follow through with a very bold exposure plan.

And don't forget to pray for ax and his wife. The praying needs to be kicked up a notch starting now.

Kave is a friend of mine. Thanks buddy.

Good points on FB post/photos...I'm just trying to gut-punch him in case he happens to be sentimental. I don't see how it can hurt. Dr. Harley's segment on confronting the OM (posted in another thread, can't remember which) suggested taking a firm but more sentimental approach so I'm trying to stick to that. I can also tell from the voicemail that this guy is a softie, and I am pretty good at being non-verbally threatening/confrontational so I'm not too worried about that.

On their connection: They're both culinary arts students (met in class) and he runs stands at the local farmers market. From what I can surmise looking at the facts, the relationship became an affair after he offered a job having her run a stand for him. She asked me for permission to do it after her business failed, and I had misgivings which I stated to her, but she said "oh, he's older...no chance there" and I let it go. BIG mistake looking back, but with the lack of acceptable OS boundaries, maybe this was bound to happen eventually.

A few weeks later she started telling me about how we should be praying for him because his mom and aunt both died, and I think the sympathy factor opened the door.

I tried and couldn't find a way to determine his marital status (not posted on FB), but with all that's happened, I'd bet money that he's divorced. I'd bet that opened the door for discussions about marital conflict, and wouldn't you know they probably had ALL the same problems with their spouses!

This is embarrassing to think about. WW and I had talked about boundaries for discussing marital problems before, we'd even chided friends with troubled marriages to stop doing it. Who knows, maybe it was something else that broke the levy, but I'd put my money on a massive pity party of that sorts being the start of all this if I had to guess.

Noted, I'll have them all contact her.

On the phone...the prepaid idea came about because if OM is anything like WW right now, he'll just stop answering his phone or checking his messages when the world disagrees with him. Giving him the phone and two interpreted choices forces his hand. If he wants to be a coward he'll do so with the understanding that I've designated that to represent a giant slap in the face to her parents.

WW's voicemail box is like a 20 car pileup right now. She's just ignoring everyone. Ditto Facebook. Very immature. Makes me wonder how much exposure will affect her, but I'm going to do it anyways. Not that she's already been exposed, I can just tell she's unplugging from everything right now. I put up a status asking for prayer for us during our counseling and tagged her, and every single one of her siblings contacted me offering support, so I'm sure she got tired of seeing that and decided not to log in anymore.

Also her parents won't threaten this guy. They wouldn't agree to that.

But the OM won't expect a call from the WW's parents, so he will have no reason to hide from that. But if you hand him a phone and tell him they will be calling, he won't answer for sure. He will just toss the phone.

I will reiterate that her parents need to make it clear to him that he will never be allowed to darken their doorsteps. That is an important move. Will they be willing to do this? Most parents are happy to do it.

Another thing you can ask of her parents is to call HIS parents and ask them to ask their creepy son to leave WW alone.

When you speak to the OM I would make it clear to him that there is no future for him with WW because he will never be welcome by her family.


Not sure what you mean by this.

Did you copy and save the OM's face book contacts? As soon as you start exposing he will shut his page down.

Did you read the Facebook exposure instructions on my exposure thread? Specifically, you will have to pay $1 to put your PM in their inbox, otherwise it goes to their spam box.