I'm just going by the book, I guess. I thought we confront before we expose.

Do your exposure before you talk to her. If she comes to you spitting mad about exposure and says she is not in an affair, you can simply say that you have resources in place to verify that she is, and you have proof. If she continues on, you want to stay calm as James Bond and tell her that there is no reason to discuss it, because you know for a fact she is having an affair, and obviously she does to. That you are willing to do your part in creating a marriage that was better than before, if she ends her affair. If she says she wants to divorce, then you tell her that you love her and will fight for your marriage, and you will talk marriage but not divorce.

The key to ANY interaction with her right now is to be calm and in control. Do not engage in her anger. You are JAMES BOND cool and you stick to the verbiage of "I love you and I will fight for our marriage." Can you do this?

Your wife is in a fogged our wayward state, not in the right state of thinking. Right now your goal is to kill the affair, which means the sooner you do the exposure the better. Your second goal is to Plan A, while killing the affair. That means to focus on meeting her needs and avoiding love busters at all cost. That is why you need to remain calm and cool and not engage with her.

In a situation where a spouse is still living at home, that is generally the order of things. But your WW is out of the house living with her AP. You aren't in communication with her and don't even know where she is many days. In this case, I think you should do the exposure as soon as you have the evidence, and not wait to have a discussion with her.

I would tell you to email Dr Harley about it, but I really don't want you to wait on exposure while you are waiting on a reply. Especially since you have told other people (her parents) about the exposure. You need to get it done before she makes some preemptive strike. If she tells everyone before you, but twists the details, then it will be far far less effective in killing the affair.

Bottom line is that Dr Harley advises exposure. The before or after confronting her is semantics really, there is no advantage to waiting until after, but there IS an advantage in this case of doing it before.

I can do that.

Her parents asked me last night to wait to expose until I confronted. They're just in disbelief about all of this, I think they think she will come back to me if I only tell her I know. And they want to keep this under wraps if possible, I think they're very embarrassed and ashamed about it.

If I/PI can't place her today, I'll probably call them tonight and explain I have to expose first since she's left town.

With all due respect, you are fighting to save your marriage. Unless your WW's parents are some kind of marriage and infidelity experts, which I am guessing they are not, you need to run your own show here based on Dr Harley's advice because he IS a marriage and infidelity expert, who has saved thousands of marriages.

Would you allow them to talk you out of exposure? Your wife has ALREADY LEFT YOU. This means your situation is more critical than most of those on here, because it is further entrenched and more difficult to kill. You need to bring out the big guns. If you forego exposure, it could very well be the final nail in the coffin here. You canNOT let them talk you out of this.

And if you are not going to let them talk you out of this, then there is no reason to wait.

They should be embarrassed and ashamed, for their daughter. Having an affair is a shameful act. But it is the ACT that is shameful, not the exposure. It is their daughters actions of having an affair that is embarrassing, it is not YOUR actions of doing what you need to do to save your marriage.

Her parents are not advising you based on what is in her best interest, your best interest, or the best interest of your marriage. They are avoiding their own discomfort at exposure.

Assure them that you love them and do not want to do anything to hurt them, because they are victims of this affair too! But you are going to do everything you can to kill this affair and save your marriage.

Good points.

Guys...I don't know what to do here, to be honest. I feel like I'm getting a lot of different advice. Obviously the situation on the ground is changing but I don't want to jeopardize what the PI is doing in case this goes to D.

Also, I have no proof to post to somewhere like Cheaterville at this point. I simply have information on where she's been staying as well as this affectionate voicemail from him. I'll expose everything I can, but just wanted to point that out. I was hoping PI could get me photos or something.

There is an important consideration to remember when confronting OM:
Dr. Harley is a trained psychologist and in control of his thoughts and actions.
If you are at risk of loosing your temper and breaking the OM kneecaps and making him beg for mercy, then confrontation by yourself isnt a good idea.
In either case, bring a level headed friend along

The fact she is living with him is proof enough.
Any rational person would understand that they are having sex without the need to look at photos.

I'm going to try to get a couple friends from church to go with me for that reason. I think I could control myself but if he got mouthy with me or started the fight I think I'd probably lose control.

Though now I'm confused about what to do now since OM/WW have apparently disappeared.

Axe,

You need to expose without first confronting her.
Just expose expose expose.

Please list the opposite advice, so we can clear things up for you. Nobody here is trying to give you opposite advice, but rather follow the advice that Dr Harley gives. If anyone here disregards Dr Harley's advise, then that is the advise you should throw out.

I understand you thinking ahead to D. But is your main focus here to set things up that are better for you in the case of divorce? Or to kill this affair and save your marriage? If the latter, then exposure is the single most important weapon you have.

They may have went on a lovers retreat.
They'll be back

I absolutely concur. Proof does not mean you have to have photos of them in the sack. You have a wife who has left you and lied about her whereabouts, while shacking up with a man. You have voicemails left by that same man that prove a relationship. That is proof enough to convince a jury.

I don't think you need ANY proof to expose on Cheaterville, but I know little about that site.

I just had a thought about PI, and you guys are right. After exposure, where she going to go? If she doesn't want to reconcile, it's not like she's going to come back.

IMO it is fine to expose while they are gone. It means that they will not get word of the exposure and start doing damage control as quickly as they would if they were here and found out about it as you were exposing.

While they mean well, they don't know how to save marriages. "Keeping it under wraps" will kill your marirage for sure because affairs thrive on secrecy. They are hoping she will end her affair if you confront her and that you will, therefore, AVOID epxosure. That is not how this works. Even if she agrees to end the affair, it still needs to be exposed.

You need to expose this NOW and confront her later. They have no idea what will or won't compel her to come back. What will cause her to come back is killing the affair. And the way you kill the affair is to EXPOSE it.

When will the parents discuss the affair with her?

And please stop shopping for opinions from people who have no earthly idea how to save marriages.

Expose the affair without delay. You want as many people as possible calling them TODAY to ask them about their affair. You have no reason to wait any longer.