If I can add a bit to my post, I think that WW DOES need to return to God, but God exists in a trinitarian relationship with you and she now, which He calls marriage. Will keep praying, I think you're doing well bringing these things to light, as kaveman said, an EA is still an affair, and the hidden nature of this relationship with OM, the long-term stationary location of the car near his street, their past history, the recording of him calling her, the internet history, the dichotomy between what she's told you, her family, and your counselor and what she in fact has done, and the financial shell game all add up to someone who has methodically created another life, and it only stands to reason that her insistence that OM is not a significant and physical part of that other life, despite appearances, is merely a reaction to being caught out. It is not unreasonable to see that there is a PA going on here, it would be na�ve and unreasonable at this point to jettison the evidence that has been racking up and trust yourself to the character of someone who has proven herself dishonest and seared in her conscience. This situation and this relationship need a moral compass, and God has created you to be that to the best of your divinely-aided ability at this critical juncture in your marriage life. "Only be strong and very courageous, to observe to do according to all the law, which Moses my servant commanded you. Don't turn from it to the right hand or to the left, that you may have good success wherever you go." Joshua 1.7

Thank you guys for the insight.

I got a text from FIL last night after his talk with WW that said the following:

- She is trying to contact people I exposed her to from church.

- He told her to be careful of her male relationships "for her own protection and because of appearance sake".

- He encouraged her "not to pursue divorce until things were right between you and her relationship with God was close".

- "There is hope! It's going to be hard on all of us, but there is hope!"


Now, to add some context, when I dropped off the new keys with them the other day, I told MIL/FIL frankly that I was concerned about WW filing for divorce quickly and that they had influence they could use to steer her into a long term separation as an alternative, as that gives me a chance to Plan A her. I'm sure they've already tried telling her to go back home, and my genuine feeling I got from them talking to them is that they feel she is lost. Both of them hugged and thanked me for not giving up her on her, so it would take an extraordinary amount of willful deception for FIL to be enabling her leaving behind the scenes. But, nothing surprises me at this point.

I texted FIL back and asked him (1)If he believes in his heart their relationship was just a friendship and (2)If he believes divorce is OK under the conditions he specified. He said that he doesn't believe the relationship was sexual but that it was inappropriate. He also didn't see how she could reconcile divorce and being spiritually "right", but that he didn't want to anger her by outright rejecting divorce and is doing this one step at time to get her back to church as he feels like God will show her this is wrong.

This is probably the most discouraged I've been this whole time. I don't want to feel betrayed by the family as well, but it's really eating at me. It makes the situation feel absolutely hopeless to me, and I fear for whatever future I would have going forward with them because the erosion of trust.

Church today will be good and I'm going to pray and talk to our pastor about things. I'll be curious to see if she manages to turn him as well. He's pretty street wise where I don't see it, but I don't know. I'm still going to defer to God on this, I just feel a little overwhelmed.

axe, ask your in MIL and FIL to do what I suggested earlier and see if they will.
If not, I would call him out on it.

And say what to him to call him out? I think he already doubts my credibility here, as well as my approach. I don't know what I'd say to him that would be helpful at this point.

To be honest, I feel like saying "I need your support. Most of the people I know are telling me to give up on her, and when you question my credibility I wonder if they are right. If you guys want to just fence sit instead of trying to help, I'm done here. I'm not putting myself through any more of this."

Also, didn't get a chance to talk to OM yesterday, but for everyone wanting me to do the tough guy approach....I don't make threats I won't honor. And if OM's IQ is above room temperature, I think he will understand that I'm bluffing if I go Clint Eastwood on him. I'd bet money this is not the first time he's hooked up with a married woman.

Now, if I beat him senseless, that's a different story, but that's not a good option either.

Sorry to be combative, I'm just at a bit of a loss right now.

axslinger, I would not bait your FIL. He is in a very difficult situation. Just ask him if he would be willing to support you by contacting the OM himself and asking him to hit the road. Don't start a fight with your FIL. If you see him siding with the affair, then that is time for you to politely back away.

Be careful when you confront the OM. Just ask him what his intentions are with your wife and let him know that you will be fighting for your marriage. Tell him there is no future for him with WW because he will not be welcomed into her family. Bring a BIG friend with you and leave your pistol in the car. You don't want to end up in a police car over making threats.

I wouldn't even have it in the car, because if ANYTHING goes sideways, a POS lawyer could try to use that as intent for several actions.

My boat's not the same, but my job requires me to be able to carry, and if I get in trouble, there goes my job, so that's why I'm so risk averse in this situation.

Church was good and I feel upbeat again. Pastor hasn't heard from WW but giving him the facts up to this point he sided strongly with my course of action which is super encouraging. I'm a little tired of being told I'm misguided, which is the prerogative of both families at this point.

Good advice, Melody, that is appreciated.

My read on MIL/FIL is to leave them alone for a while, for their sanity and mine. It's just way to easy for the gears to get turning in my head on what they are thinking/doing behind the scenes and that's very destructive for me right now. I think it's the same for them, they are by nature very non-confrontational and I don't think they understand me right now.

Going to keep up with Plan A for WW, and wait to see if I get served in the next week or so. Got a friend ready for backup while confronting OM at his stand next time it opens. Other than that I'm ready to start focusing on self-improvement, as Jedi suggested. Lots of things to work on. WW can stumble through her jilted fog for the time being.

This whole situation makes my head spin if I worry about too many of the things I can't control so I'm going to focus on what I can.

Axe,
Here's the thing. You are a very action oriented person, and that puts you ahead of most of the betrayed spouses who come here. But once you have completed exposure, the waiting starts, and that's hard for someone like you. It's going to take time, brother. You can't control your wife or your in-laws. All you can control are your own actions.

Now that exposure is complete, the next step is to confront the POSOM. After that, you have to present a caring front to your wife and do things to let her know that you love her and that you want her to return.

You can't expect your in-laws to go all in with your plans. If they do, great, but don't press hard. They are in the middle, and you must tread lightly accepting their support but not asking for too much. When I exposed my wife's affair, I asked my in-laws for their support, and they gave it to me, but I did not count on them as allies in the battle. There is a difference. But my wife knew her actions were held in low regard, and that made the consequences of her choice very painful, which was a factor in her decision to end her affair. I asked very little of my in-laws other then one time asking them to use their influence to persuade my wife to end her affair.

Confront, and then begin to work on ways to show your wife that you are the better alternative. There are going to be many days where you get frustrated not being able to do anything, but just throw your pebbles in the deep river and gradually, slowly make that bridge that she can cross. It's a long process.

You will have to endure plenty of fog babble, so be calm. Channel your zen.

Axe,
I was not suggesting that you come out guns blazing when I referenced Eastwood. I was alluding to his temperament and economy of words. This POSOM is the enemy of your marriage, and I don't personally like the soft and empathetic approach that so many take these days. You can be manly without being a barbarian, right? And you can use intimidation without carrying out a direct threat you are not willing to carry out, can't you?

Thank you guys again for very sound advice, you are invaluable. I shudder to think what I would be thinking or doing without the calm and straightforward advice here. I'd probably be unaware of the affair and caught between two very emotional families. MB is truly a Godsend.

Quick Question:

WW has a couple obligations she seems to be dodging.

1 is a joint business loan she took out with a friend to help fund her business that failed. Her friend split somewhat acrimoniously from her, but the loan was against her friend's house as collateral, so they were kind of stuck together on it. They had worked out something where the friend made a couple lump sum payments to cover her "part" of the loan, and WW was going to pay the rest down over time.

Well, got a notice over the weekend that she's 8 days past due on her payment. If it goes unpaid I'm worried they'll go after her friend's house.

Also there's a ticket she got while we were in counseling that I think is unpaid which will result in a warrant if it's not paid by the end of the month.

Should I shield her from these consequences or let them fall on her? I've notified her about both but no response. It's very out of character for her to dodge stuff like this, she's usually more alert than I am.

You already have done what you could do and anything further would be enabling her irresponsible behavior.

Her friend made a business venture with your WW and She should deal with your WW to attempt to reconcile the late payment status. If you intercede, then you are assuming her part of the responsibility for her.

LTL

Focus on wht You can do.

Have you determined when you will confront theeOM?

LTL

Place the letter on the kitchen counter.

She's not in the house to see it the kitchen counter, or was it for another reason to leave it on the counter?

Yeah Jedi, she's gone.

OM chit chat will happen Saturday morning.

I know she's not in the house.
One natural consequence of leaving the marital home and shacking up with a lover is that your mail may not reach you.
As a husband, I think you are obligated to leave it on the kitchen counter. If she's not there then that's her problem.

That's pretty reasonable. Hadn't thought of it that way.

Another idea I wanted to run by...I had mentioned an aunt/uncle earlier that WW has been very close to over the last 6 months, they're out of state but she calls and Facebooks them much more than her immediate family right now. In fact they post and like things on OM's Facebook page too, so they know/know about OM.

I had thought early on these people might be allies, but before exposure FIL mentioned that their marriage is affairage. He didn't want us to contact them at all because he thought it would encourage them to push harder.

I've been thinking of calling these people and just having a frank discussion with them. Not threatening, just explaining that I care deeply about WW and am willing to work very hard on our marriage.

Waste of time? I've wondered if it might change their counsel to WW if they understood I'm not just a faceless antagonist here.

If they are in an affair age, that would be like them condemning their own lifestyle. You can certainly call them and tell them that WW is in an A with OM and you would appreciate them being friends to your marriage and encouraging her to end her A. But, I would not get my hopes up if I were you, and would expect them to do just the opposite.

Obviously they are encouraging this so far, and your WW has sniffed out her allies. If they continue to support her after you have stated your case, I would cut off contact with them.

I wouldn't necessarily ask them to condemn the affair as much as to hear me out and try to be impartial. These people have never met me or the rest of her immediate family, they live 1000 miles away and only met WW through Facebook.

Affairages are such strange creatures to me because the participants obviously believe there is some value to marriage or else they wouldn't have remarried, but that it has different boundaries than the rest of us. My experience with most of these people is that they find certain "justifications" for an affair (e.g. a loveless or abusive marriage), even if they see a marriage in other areas the same way we do.

I would imagine WW has painted me as a very scary person to them and I kind of wonder what effect it would have on them that I was bold enough to call them and rather than being combative or petty, just present my care and desire to make things right with WW. I'm thinking it -MIGHT- throw them off a bit because I'd imagine they have a certain caricature of me in their mind right now.

But I could also see where they are slimy people who would laugh me off or hang up. I almost want to do it just to know I confronted them in the midst of this rather than letting them turn my wife against me without having to actually hear my voice or prerogative. I know who they are, I know their phone #, and I know what they're doing, and I think leaving them alone might turn into a regret down the road, even knowing it might be ineffective. I want them to hear me regardless of what they think about it.