ankitsrana,
It seems to me that both you and your wife have strong independent beliefs about love. Having a "love" marriage in your world runs against the grain where family pressures to marry into an arrangement are intense. And now in your marriage, this independent mindset has enabled an affair. I am not saying that marrying for a love is the problem.
There is nothing wrong with marrying for love, but you and your wife seem to have this acceptance that if you fall in love with another person--even if you are married--is ok because you are following your heart. It is not ok. Your wife is committing adultery and I don't see any moral outrage on your part. You even marginalized the villainy of the act by suggesting that the POSOM feels bad about it.
If you want to save your marriage, you need to draw a firm line and change your mindset. An open marriage is not a real marriage, and your wife's affair is the enemy of your marriage. Therefore, the fist and most important step you must take right now is to kill the affair. Until you do this, there is no other action you can take that will fix your problem. None.
You must expose this affair to your friends and family, to your wife's, and to the other mans. You must also expose it to the human resources department at your wife's workplace. I would also expose to her immediate supervisor.
I would let your commanding officer know about your problem and see if there is anything he can do to keep you close to home. This lifestyle is no conducive to marriage.
Finally, you should read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. I'd leave a copy around the house for your wife to read too.
Have you watched this? [video:youtube]
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html[/video]
