Hi...
I am an army officer, married to the girl of my dreams on 04 feb 2014. Mine is a very conservative family who have always believed in arranged marriages. I confessed my love to my family and after months of heated discussion they agreed for the marriage.

About 3 months prior to the marriage my wife tells me that she has started to have feelings for some other guy from her work. But both of us were afraid to walk off from the marriage as both our families were intensely involved. I, on the other hand still loved her and thought that things will get better after marriage.

After marriage, due to my job I had to move to another place away from my wife. So we have a long distance marriage. This other guy who she has fallen in love with, works with her and is with her all the time. It's not that my wife doesn't like me. She likes my company but is scared to leave this other guy as the are madly in love. The guy doesn't want to get married at all, regardless of whether my wife stays with me or gets divorced.
This guy has been like a buddy to her. He too feels bad about putting me in this situation. But neither of them are willing to end things between them for the sake of my and my wife's future. My wife surely enjoys my company and says that we are good friends, no wonder she has told me everything. But I love her irrespective of all the pain and heartbreak she's putting me through. She knows about the pain I am going through and feels awful for making me go through all this for no fault of mine.

I am trying to get myself transfered to the place where she works to reduce the long distance. It is the faith and hope that is keeping me going that one day she will love me the way she used to, but at the moment it seems that that is never going to happen. What do I do?? Plz help...

Hi ankitsrana, welcome to Marriage Builders. It is doubtful that she will end her affair if you move to be with her. She will still see the OM. It would be better if she moved to be with you or you moved together to another place entirely. But she is unlikely to do that, because she is in love with the OM.

My suggestion to you would be to expose her affair and end the marriage. It sounds like neither one of you take marriage very seriously and have managed to destroy your marriage in less than a year. Your contribution to this was moving away. A marriage obviously can't be maintained if you don't live together. I would get out now before it gets more complicated.

And next time you get married, make sure you put your marriage before your career. You can see what happens when you put your job before your marriage.

Sir,

You need to tell your family and family about her adultery.
Are you in Pakistan? If so I would report them to the authorities.

Jedi, I think notifying the authorities is horrible advice considering what happens to women on such matters over there.

Jedi, MB is about building marriages if they can be, or going into plan B and ending them if they can't stop an affair.

MB is not about delivering people over to the authorities to be stoned. Only the woman will be stoned or receive an "honor killing"; the man will walk away free.

I didn't say anything about India. Your post was about Pakistan.

http://news.nationalpost.com/2014/0...kistan-where-she-fears-stoning-to-death/

http://www.cnn.com/2014/06/05/world/asia/pakistan-stoning-death/

http://www.theguardian.com/world/2014/may/27/pregnant-pakistani-woman-stoned-to-death


PS: Now I see your post just above this one about India and Pakistan was removed?

ML recommended that you just get out of your marriage; your marriage is young and you mistakenly allowed your career to come first. No children, short marriage so far - your best bet is to divorce her and move on. But learn about what a great marriage requires before marrying again.

Meanwhile, Dr. Harley would recommend that you expose the affair to friends and family. It's not done as a punishment or to hurt the wayward spouse; rather, it is for your own support.

Thanx for the response guys, but I can't leave her... I do love her and she did loved me... She likes me and trusts me to tell me all this... She wants this marriage to work too... I am from india... And as far as putting my job before marriage is concerned I had no choice... Dats my job description... And I will be posted to different places... When I am on leave with her, we do have fun... She enjoys my company...dat guy is more of a friend to her, I am more of a "husband" than a friend...

Sir I thought you may be from India.
Are you Sikh?

No, sir.
She is engaging in adultery with him.

Sir,

Dr. Harley would encourage you to expose this affair to family and friends of both your families.
You should also report it to the civil authorities.

It is important that your wife never see or speak to this man again. You will need to move away from him...far away.

When you are deployed/ stationed away can she stay with you?
Can you rent a place so she can stay in the same city or town?

Are you finding another job that compliments your marriage?

When will you be exposing?

Can you quit your job? Because you won't have any chance unless you find a way to be together. You can't possibly sustain a marriage much less repair a profoundly broken on living apart. It is doubtful she will live with you anyway because she loves another man.

Your living conditions make this an impossible situation.

You already did leave her. She now has another man.

If neither you nor your wife want to divorce, then what can you do to get her to move to where you are? If you want to be married, you and your wife must spend every night together and actually live together. Doesn't the military there have family support and housing?

Dr. Harley strongly advises against actions that punish the wayward wife. Expose to the family and friends absolutely and ask for their help in ending the affair. I doubt Dr. Harley would advocate exposing the affair to the authorities as a crime, because it would appear to be punishment.

If he is a Singh officer he cant quit his job.
He is born into the job.
It is decided for him before he was even born.

Dr. Harley often encourages betrayed military spouses to report adultery to the authorities.
He speaks favorably of and encourages laws against adultery.
I recall him mentioning on the Radio Show that adultery should have a 30 year prison term and then it will deter people.

I want to emphasize that the people that are stoned for adultery are in remote villages that aren't even part of the main government.

Sir,
I suggest you email Dr. Harley for advice.
There is a sample letter below that you can use:


Dear Dr. Harley,

I am an Army officer in India.
Although most marriages are arranged in my country, I asked my parents for permission to marry a woman I loved and they consented.
I have been station away from home and she has started an affair with a local man.
I don't feel I can honorably leave the military service because it is my place in life. If I leave I may have consequences such as (INSERT HERE).
We have (INSERT NUMBER HERE OF CHILDREN).
I have visited your Forum and some posters encourage me to expose and others encourage against it. The posters that are against exposure state that I should not expose because she would face public shame and possible legal sanctions.
What do you suggest?
It would bring my family shame if I divorced her and I would like to stay married if possible.

(SEND EMAIL TO MBRADIO@MARRIAGEBUILDERS.COM If you would like to speak with Dr. Harley personally then include your phone number. If not, he will email a reply to you)

What a mess Ankitsrana.

I am so sorry your wife has done this to you. It is sad.

I suppose that what you are going through is not unusual in the community you live in. So, you are not alone in the experience.

Study up on the Basic Concepts on this site
http://www.marriagebuilders.com//graphic/mbi3000_intro.html

and see if you can implement them to try to save your marriage. If you can not save it, you will be in a better situation with a plan to consult and follow than if you do not do it.

The Art of War is an excellent book to study in regards to how to approach following Marriage Builder plans. As a soldier, you know that often strategy is what determines the potential outcome of a conflict.

Have a good plan (Marriage Builders has the best) for dealing with your crisis.

Jedi, nobody is arguing against exposure that I have seen. Some are not sure about exposing to the authorities, but that is different than encouraging him to not expose.

ankitsrana,
It seems to me that both you and your wife have strong independent beliefs about love. Having a "love" marriage in your world runs against the grain where family pressures to marry into an arrangement are intense. And now in your marriage, this independent mindset has enabled an affair. I am not saying that marrying for a love is the problem.

There is nothing wrong with marrying for love, but you and your wife seem to have this acceptance that if you fall in love with another person--even if you are married--is ok because you are following your heart. It is not ok. Your wife is committing adultery and I don't see any moral outrage on your part. You even marginalized the villainy of the act by suggesting that the POSOM feels bad about it.

If you want to save your marriage, you need to draw a firm line and change your mindset. An open marriage is not a real marriage, and your wife's affair is the enemy of your marriage. Therefore, the fist and most important step you must take right now is to kill the affair. Until you do this, there is no other action you can take that will fix your problem. None.

You must expose this affair to your friends and family, to your wife's, and to the other mans. You must also expose it to the human resources department at your wife's workplace. I would also expose to her immediate supervisor.

I would let your commanding officer know about your problem and see if there is anything he can do to keep you close to home. This lifestyle is no conducive to marriage.

Finally, you should read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley. I'd leave a copy around the house for your wife to read too.

Have you watched this? [video:youtube]http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi6806_inf.html[/video]

No I am a Hindu... How does dat matter

Sir,

You need to tell all of your families about this affair.
Can your wife come closer to you where you are stationed?

No she can't... But I am trying to get myself posted somewhere near her

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