It's not MLC.

All you have to do is read the SAA forums for a period of time and you will see this is typical for waywards. Often people post here wondering if their WS has narcissistic personality disorder and we tell them: No, this is normal!!

As an example, my BIL grew up with exH - they were close friends since childhood. He cannot believe the things that ex has done in the divorce and with my kids . He is SHOCKED at who WxH has become.

Nothing special, just wayward.

MelodyLane: Yes, I agree with most of what you say. I too am convinced my H turned into a sociopath. If he had any compassion for what he has done, he'd act differently, right? Can someone please tell me why these husbands keep kicking you when you are down? Why don't they exhibit some understanding and do the right thing? Even if they won't work on the marriage, why keep hurting me over and over? Why have his family stop all contact? Why cut me off financially? He has plenty of money. I have a high priced attorney who is ruthless, but the court system is slow. it takes months to get an emergency hearing and you are forced to go to mediation first. It is horrible.

He's wayward and anyone and anything that tries to get in the way of his "happiness" is the enemy. It's really that simple.

I'm sorry, I just don't get it. I can't grasp it. Maybe these men had it in them the whole time and we didn't notice or refused to see they lacked good character. Maybe we only saw what we wanted to see..I don't know. I was 17 when I met my H, and I thought I was the luckiest person on earth. Maybe I chose not to deal with his flaws. I felt that since everyone has flaws, I have to learn to live with it. Maybe that was a big mistake. Dr Harley feels everyone is capable of an affair. I don't feel I am. I don't see how that is possible. If it ever did happen, I would hope that I did all the right things to make it up to my husband. I don't think I would make things even worse for him.

Since you have not had an affair, you don't know how you would react if you were wayward. Most waywards act pretty horribly. I can only assume that were I ever to have become a wayward, I would be no different.

Why keep trying and trying to understand this? You are only driving yourself crazy. Your H had poor boundaries and allowed another woman to meet his needs. That's why he had an affair. He allowed his emotions to overcome his logic and made a very destructive and stupid decision.

You are now in Plan B. Stop trying toanalyze and understand the mind of a wayward. Instead think about how you can be making your life wonderful. It will take time but you can make a personal recovery.

I was married for 30 years, too, at the time of my H's affair. He was going to divorce me, so I can remember my panic, confusion and pain. It was horrible. I also tried to understand, but the folks were told me the same things you are being told. Thankfully, our marriage was able to recover. Yours might yet, too. If it doesn't, Plan B will be your safety. But Plan B isn't going to help you much if you keep trying to figure out the "why" of your WH's destructive actions.

You're forced to go to mediation before filing for TEMPORARY support orders? What state is this? When was divorce filed?

I too didn't realize how necessary boundaries are. I never thought we needed to worry about such things. I never got that memo.

Florida....you have to go to a mediation before you can go before a judge. My H filed for divorce Feb 2014. I guess that's a way to alleviate the court system.

Glad I didn't divorce in FL (I used to live there)!! Sorry you have to wait for mediation..which is a waste of time. You have a mediation date?

x 2

no mediation date yet. due to holidays, vacations, trial dates, etc, we can't seem to get a date for everyone that needs to be there. it is dreadful. I see the point about not bogging down the courts, but for me, it's a waste.

I would still light a fire under your attorney. Slow is one thing but to have filed in February and still not having a mediation date is bull.

Not attorney's fault. I changed attorneys and then we started asking for financial disclosure. The disclosure was missing a lot so now we are Motioned for more financials, and trying to set a mediation and court date. It's crazy slow but nothing we can do. Hopefully we can get early Dec, but that's pushing it.

Spoke to my attorney today. He is going to give him a few more days to get us financials, and then motion to hold him in contempt. Also, if we can't agree on a mediation date he's motioning the court. I feel things wheels are finally in motion, thank god. My H thinks he can ignore the system.

I'm in Plan B for one year. I've exposed my H affair far and wide. Even though I've known and loved my in-laws for over 40 years, they have ceased contact with me. My in-laws have taken the side of their son and blame 1. the OW because they feel all men are weak 2. me for not fighting hard enough to win him back 3. me for poisoning my kids against him (not true).

I feel I lost, not only my husband, but my whole family on his side. Why? It's almost as if I'm the one who had the affair. Why aren't they consoling me and, at the very least, making sure I'm ok? Why don't his parents and siblings come to see how we are doing? At least how my kids are doing? I just don't understand how they can turn their backs on us. We always had a great relationship. It's such a mystery to me. To make matters worse, I heard they all went to a family wedding and family trip together...WITH THE OW!!!!!

My husband is the oldest of 3 and they all look up to him as a "god". They all must be afraid of him. I just wish I could understand all this. Does anyone have this experience?

My MIL isn't talking to me, which makes no sense. My husband's father did this to her. But its her son, so she accommodates his bad behavior. This is a clue to how he got this way in the first place.

You might need to just let them go. They won't side with you. They won't support you. My in-laws keep telling him what a great dad he is. He is being a terrible dad. He left his daughter's mother suddenly and without any explanation for his affair. That is being a terrible, terrible father.

Try not to think about or focus on them at all. It's so hard when you feel so violated and it feels like nobody cares. The hard truth is that they don't. They don't care about you or your feelings. Ans as we all know, lack of care is what shatters relationships. When someone doesn't care about or consider you, you have to let them go.

My inlaws seem unable to cope with the implications of my wife's A. We've also always had a close relationship but something like this draws people out I guess. I'm sort of left thinking to myself "I don't want to think of these people this way" but their actions and words speak for themselves.

I can't just project our history (as wonderful as it's been) onto who they are today, same with WW. It's tough, but people make their own choices, and those choices have consequences.

This is just a rough spot to be in.

Yes, I know. But, I can't get over how they can not care about me after all the years and everything I did for them! My MIL was like a mother to me. My sister-in-law told me in our last conversation when this all went down, "I don't think you ever cared for my brother". Do you believe that? They all believe his lies and history revision. It's just so hurtful. I'm talking over 40 years! There's history...memories. They are blaming me for my kids not speaking to their father in a year, and they may never speak to him again. They said he is dead to them after what he did to me! I try to put myself in their place and I don't think I could act the way they are.

Also, my daughter and I sent letters to the OW, her mother, siblings, her sons, her son's in-laws. Not one person contacted us after receiving the letter. Why does no one care? Why Why Why is all I keep asking myself and there are no answers.

"I don't think you ever cared for my brother"

^The voice of an outsider. Remember they see 1% of your relationship and draw conclusions as means of trying to make sense of it all. It's a coping mechanism for the pain of the circumstance.

I'm dealing with the same things except from my family about my WW. My mother is convinced my wife never loved me and has voiced the same kinds of opinions to me very frequently. E.g. "I used to watch her around you and think 'why don't you love my son'".

She proved her love to me behind the scenes in many ways, but there was something my mom apparently wanted to see out of her that she didn't, and so her mind is made up about the entire nature of our marriage. It's hard to understand.

I'm getting the same things from some of my inlaws about spirituality, as if I somehow drag my WW down in her walk with God and if only I would get more spiritually serious, the A wouldn't have happened/God would just fix things. Again, revisionism. Don't take it seriously.

If you are responsible for your spouse's A, then what exactly are you not responsible for in your spouse's life? If they can't honor this bedrock commitment of a relationship without your supervision, what exactly are they capable of on their own?

It's a pretty ridiculous premise.

axslinger I think that is humorous about your mother's impression. My mother in law said it hurt her when I seemed to put my kids first, before me husband. Also, she always felt I was the lucky one! But...I understood that is coming from his mother, so I never took it seriously, until now. They all created this monster and now I'm stuck with this situation. I wish I had all the knowledge and foresight a year ago. Boy, would things be different!