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As you already know, it is impossible to put a dollar value on a recovery. What you can be confident of is the fact that you are coming out ahead, even if your bank account doesn't look great. Just stay the course. There will be bumps ahead. Recovery is measured in years and not months. Two years from now, your marriage will be even better. That may seem unlikely to you when things are going great now, but it is true.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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I am really excited! We had an incredible date night with radical honesty! I cannot wait for the next 20 years...
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One thing I really struggle with is guilt... I have no idea how to plow through that.
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Guilt is a normal response when you do something wrong. My wife felt a lot of guilt too, at the beginning of our recovery. I don't think she does so much anymore. The effort you put into providing the just compensation of recovery will take care of the guilt in time.
me-65
wife-61
married for 40 years
DS - 38, autistic, lives at home
DD - 37, married and on her own
DS - 32, still living with us
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One thing I really struggle with is guilt... I have no idea how to plow through that. Redeem yourself. And embrace the guilt. Guilt is your FRIEND. It is your conscience's warning alarm that something is wrong. It is your FRIEND. Redemption will alleviate the guilt over time and you are well on the right road.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Redeem myself by just meeting all my husbands needs? Is that what you mean? Is there something else I should be doing?
Last edited by MarieMab; 10/17/14 07:48 AM.
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By meeting his needs, no love busters, using PoJA, and protecting the marriage with EPs. Remember how he reacted when you changed your number? Felt pretty good right?
You feel guilt because of the pain you caused. Its your mind's way of making you ensure you make changes. The more balm you bring to the marriage the less your guilt is needed to remind you;you know the changes are already made and making you both happier daily.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
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Sounds good! I can do all that. I am doing all of that. I have to give my husband props he has never once stopped plan A. He is a good man. And a "Melody":) 
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Finally figured out those icons!
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In your experience if the BH often brings up the affair during arguments is he ever really going to forgive?
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He shouldn't be bringing it up.
You guys shouldn't be arguing.
Forgiveness is not the goal. Leaving the past alone and having a great marriage is the goal.
You guys were doing so well! What happened? Are you getting your UA time?
Why are you arguing?
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In your experience if the BH often brings up the affair during arguments is he ever really going to forgive? No. It is not right to use the affair when in an argument. Now the but. Did you allow your BH to discuss the affair with you after D day or did you limit him? Did you trickle truth your BH? Did you answer all of his questions honestly, fully? I have been trickle truthed since 1981. It has not allowed me to leave the past in the past. It effect us today. My wife rather live with the negative effects then me getting the full truth. I still do not know who the OM is. I told my wife that without his identity there is no way I can live comfortable because I can not watch out for him breaking NC.
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I answered all of his questions. We agreed to not talk about it but anytime he is upset with me he brings it up. Although he says he has forgiven me it breaks my heart every time he throws it back at me. I do not know if somewhere deep down he just cannot do it but for some reason but cannot bring himself to tell me. All couples fight right but this is wearing me down....
Last edited by MarieMab; 04/15/16 08:20 AM.
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Marie, the problem is not forgiveness. The problem is that he continues to bring it up. That has nothing to do with forgiveness.
What is causing your arguments? Are you using the MB program?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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Please stick to one thread so that posters can easily review your history.
ToujoursMB@gmail.com
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I'm convinced that what's kept the resentment of S.R.'s husband alive for so many years is that he has found it to be an effective way to control and punish her whenever she doesn't do what he wants. Whenever they have a fight, he brings it up, and it causes her such guilt that it gives him a decided advantage in winning the argument.
By this time, I don't believe that her affair is the problem that she thinks it is. Instead, it is an issue that her husband is using to get the upper hand in his relationship with her. It probably shows up the most whenever she has been reluctant to have sex with him. It throws her off balance whenever he mentions it, and makes her feel guilty, wanting to make it up to him somehow. He may also bring it up whenever she is winning in a power struggle he is having with her.
What she describes to me in her letter is abuse, pure and simple. There is no excuse for the way her husband keeps bringing up her moment of weakness she experienced years ago. He is disrespectful and abusive.
I suggest that she look him right in the eye and say to him, "Listen Buster, do you love me? Do you want me to love you? Do you want to spend the rest of your life with me? If the answers to any of those questions is 'yes' you sure are going about it the wrong way. You are not doing things that I admire, you're doing things that I find disgusting!"
What if he says, "Fine, then lets just get a divorce and end it all."
To that I would say, "It's up to you. I married you for life, but if you want a divorce, it's your call. If you want to be in a love relationship with me, however, you're going to have to treat me much better than you have been treating me. You must never again bring up my affair, and if you are upset with me, you will have to treat me with respect until we can solve the problem. If you are upset with our sexual relationship, I want us to discuss it as adults and solve it with mutual respect. I refuse to be treated like this, especially by the man I love."
My advice to her husband is to never mention her affair again. It's a good example of one of the enemies of good conversation, dwelling on past mistakes. Whenever you keep bringing up your spouses past mistakes, you not only make your conversations incredibly unpleasant, but it cannot possibly lead to a resolution of a conflict you may be discussing. And as soon as his resentment doesn't pay him any dividends -- no longer helps him get his way -- he will find that it hardly ever occurs to him. From: Coping with Infidelity: Part 4
Overcoming Resentment
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How many hours of UA are you getting?
What are you arguing over?
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BTW, this is not true and it tells me that the two of you haven't really followed the program these last two years.
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BTW, this is not true and it tells me that the two of you haven't really followed the program these last two years. AGree... Fighting is a practice of couples who try to force their will on the other. That practice should have been eliminated long ago with the policy of joint agreement.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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He may also need help, education, practice, tools, etc. with regards to conflict resolution. He may be using the affair as a trump card to win arguments or, more likely, shut down arguments/conflict that makes him uncomfortable.
For example, I'm a conflict avoider myself. Instead of saying something bothers/upsets me I just let it go....but I don't let it go completely. Instead I keep in tucked away in a little resentment brain cell and only spring it when my wife gets upset or irritated with me about something. I use it as a deflection device to avoid, shut down and/or redirect conflict that is making me uncomfortable. The best defense is a good offense.
It could also relate to anger issues.... when you get angry, you become irrational and you'll say (and do) hurtful things because you aren't thinking clearly. Doesn't excuse it...just explains it and; perhaps, gives you something to focus upon and consider as you work your way forward.
Try to work through TOGETHER in a calm, non-emotional, detached manner where this is coming from within him and what the two of you can do about it....using the initial presumption that your husband is on your team and doesn't want to intentionally hurt you by bringing it up. PLUS...by assuming he doesn't want to hurt you maybe it can help you reduce the effectiveness of the stinging comments (if he uses as a tool to "win"...and it no longer accomplishes that for him....maybe it will help him stop).
If you have truly repented your sins are as far from the east as the west. It's no longer who you are. He may as well be calling you a lamp. You aren't a lamp ... and that's an odd thing to call you.
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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