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BTW, this is not true and it tells me that the two of you haven't really followed the program these last two years. AGree... Fighting is a practice of couples who try to force their will on the other. That practice should have been eliminated long ago with the policy of joint agreement. How would POJA work here???? Wife: "What would it take for you to enthusiastically agree to never [calling me names/referring to the affair/using the affair as a weapon in conflict/using the affair as a trump card] ever again?" Brainstorm for there???? Address it like it's a bad habit????
FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered
"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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POJA works great, here: she's not enthusiastic about him ever doing that again, so he can't do it!
If he's not willing to follow that rule, their marriage can never work.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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We do work the program. 98% of the time. I certainly do not expect perfection. I guess my question is even if you follow all of the steps some hurts run to deep to get over. I looked in recovery to see if of other couples struggle with this but I didn't really find much. I know it is a step in Dr. Harley's plan but I just wondered if other couples have a hard time doing it?
Last edited by MarieMab; 04/15/16 12:56 PM.
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I was a little confused about how the threads were merged so I just read what Dr. Harley wrote about it. It is very easy for me to believe him whenever he says he forgives me and won't bring it up anymore. I feel at that moment he is sincere but when his emotions go it's another story. I have given him one more chance to think about this relationship because whenever he brings it up I feel like he wants to leave he just does not want to say it. Like maybe he is pushing me away.
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We do work the program. 98% of the time. I certainly do not expect perfection. I guess my question is even if you follow all of the steps some hurts run to deep to get over. I looked in recovery to see if of other couples struggle with this but I didn't really find much. Marie, a common problem we see here is people who believe they are doing the program but don't really know much about it. For example, Dr. Harley teaches how couples can avoid fighting and that in order to have a good marriage, they need to not fight. The big problem I see here is your husband isn't doing the program.
If you are serious about saving your marriage, you can't get it all on this forum. You've got to listen to the Marriage Builders Radio show, every day. Install the app! Married to my radiant trophy wife, Prisca, 19 years. Father of 8. Attended Marriage Builders weekend in May 2010 If your wife is not on board with MB, some of my posts to other men might help you.
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I guess my question is even if you follow all of the steps some hurts run to deep to get over. No. If you follow all the steps, the resentment over the affair will fade. But ALL the steps must be followed in order for that to happen.
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I really feel like he is. He has always been a very emotional person and sometimes they get the best of him. However I have had a horrible time forgiving myself and when he brings it up the wound is laid bare.
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BTW, this is not true and it tells me that the two of you haven't really followed the program these last two years. AGree... Fighting is a practice of couples who try to force their will on the other. That practice should have been eliminated long ago with the policy of joint agreement. How would POJA work here???? Wife: "What would it take for you to enthusiastically agree to never [calling me names/referring to the affair/using the affair as a weapon in conflict/using the affair as a trump card] ever again?" Brainstorm for there???? Address it like it's a bad habit???? As you well know, POJA doesn't apply to abusive tactics. But fighting ensues when one spouse is trying to force his will on the other.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt Exposure 101
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I really feel like he is. He has always been a very emotional person and sometimes they get the best of him. However I have had a horrible time forgiving myself and when he brings it up the wound is laid bare. markos is a very emotional person, too, and still had to learn to control himself. If your husband is bringing up the affair and fighting with you, he is not following the program and your marriage will not recover. ALL the steps must be followed.
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Thanks everyone. I did find a good feed on recovery that speaks a lot about this. I have had the buster conversation and I hope that will end it. If not I have no idea.
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Have you seen this and listened to the clips? What is Just Compensation?
FWW/BW (me)
WH
2nd M for both
Blended Family with 7 kids between us
Too much hurt and pain on both sides that my brain hurts just thinking about it all.
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