How far away do you want to move?

I want to move from northern to southern california. I have talked to my lawyer. I need a custody order if it materially affects how much he sees her. And he sees her three times a week for about 3-4 hours. I would have to fight him in court, definitely.

Call a lawyer in the area you want to move to.
Tell him you are separated and want to move.
Ask the lawyer if you can move to the new county and file for divorce and custody orders when you move. There is usually a waiting period to establish residency. Ask what it is.

Do you anticipate that your husband would take legal action immediately if you just left?

I have already talked to my lawyer about all of this. It would be three months for me to file for divorce if I move to a new county.

In the case that I really did move without telling him, I think he would probably take legal action. I think this is the only issue he would take legal action about at this point. Ideally, I would like him to move to LA with his friend or cousin, while I move to OC with my parents at least for a while. I am not that interested in reconciling yet, but I would just like to get out of the area so that could be possible. If we stay here, divorce is inevitable and I want to avoid that until I know for sure that is what I want.

Does anyone else struggle with feelings of being "second best?" I almost can't stand the thought of him coming back because I really can't tolerate the fact that I was so quickly replaced. I know that this is what all waywards do, but honestly, is love and marriage so little to these people?

I have real issues with this...feeling replaced, belittled, etc. Like the second we started having a little bit of a hard time, everything just fell apart and he ran off. All I keep thinking is that I was trampled upon so easily. It's not a good thought.

I personally would move to SoCal, hire an attorney there then file for separation (convert to divorce after the three months.) WH could legally fight you but he also may not. He isn't going to get a hearing tomorrow or much sympathy from a judge given his behavior. And your lawyer should make it crystal clear that all his crap behavior will be brought up in court too. CA may not be a fault state but a WS does not want their dirty laundry flying in court. I would take my chances...put the fear of God in your WH and move.

Indeed!

Have you had any luck with a job in SoCal?

Also there is no support system in NoCal for WH either (correct me if that is not the case). He is also unemployed. A WH can huff and puff all he wants but at the end of the day he will not want to be primary caretaker. Your attorney can make a very strong argument why you left NoCal. WH could fight you but he will look like an ahole.

He is not unemployed. He rescinded his resignation.

This sounds like a great plan

Ok, I will confer again with the lawyer. She did say he could have me arrested...which scared the hell out of me. Would he do any of this stuff; honestly, it's so hard for me to say. I never thought he would go crazy, cheat and treat me like utter crap...but he did. He definitely lashes out when he backed into a corner. His mother urged him to let me go...but he still wants to have his job, his mistress and his daughter.

What? That sounds like a scare tactic. Everything I have read about CA says you can't leave the State after papers are filed...not the county...and nothing has been filed.

Is this attorney in NoCal or SoCal?

She is in NorCal. No, they can at the very least order the child back, which is an issue if I quit my job. It would go to court, of course and he is super unstable right now...living in hotels, etc. But he does have onging contact with his daughter, so she said it wasn't clear what the court would. I don think I have a good case though looking at this:

do.http://www.divorcenet.com/states/california/ca_art09

Although it is clear that I am the sole custodial parent becasue he living like a drifter right now. She has never spent a night away from me. In fact, s

Piglet, is OW posted on Cheaterville?
Did you do a criminal background check on her?

That website does not reflect your current situation. You do not have sole custody nor are you the custodial parent...there is no custody order of any kind...which is what that website is talking about. You are the primary caretaker...that's it.

Everything on this website (the official CA site):
http://www.courts.ca.gov/1033.htm

says nothing about throwing a parent in jail, etc. I recommend you speak to a reputable attorney in OC to see what they say. Regardless of what an attorney says, it is still your choice. If you plan to stay in NoCal and don't file anything, you will always be at the mercy of your WH since you legally can not dictate when he sees DD.

I did a random google search about moving from one county to another when no orders exist...got this attorney's site (and turns out he is in Santa Ana). Maybe call his office and explain your situation, PW. I didn't look into his background/reputation but the website seems to give straight forward info.

http://farzadlaw.com/orange-county-child-custody-attorneys/joint-legal-custody-in-california-rights/

I can talk to someone in OC, but my attorney is very reputable here in Oakland. She recommends that I get a court order if I want to move. The issue is that it'd not Slam dunk. He is clearly unstable; however, he has continuous contact with his daughter. In any case, I think I will file and see what he does in response. My attorney assumes it will go to trial, but I'm not sure he is actually inclined to fight in any real sense.

Yes! It's betrayal and struggle is something of an understatement.�

The term second best only applies when a good judge does the choosing. Besides, you were chosen. Wives are; mistresses aren't. Mistresses are whoever happen to be lying around. No vows necessary.

My x's OW was an old friend and I knew her inferiorities well. I never considered myself second best. But I struggled with the logic.

That's because there isn't any.

It's really not about you. You know this having learned about wayward habits, but you don't know it bone deep, as you will when experience teaches it over again.

It's not just on these forums I see it. In real life too. The best of the best discarded for obvious inferiority. Why? It's not a case of who he wants to be with. He made that decision on his wedding day. No it's a decision of WHO he wants to be.

There's an excerpt in Jekyll and Hyde sums it up perfectly. For a while he is happiest with both; being able to enjoy respectability and depravity in equal measure. But that's not how deals with the devil work. You have to choose eventually.

"To cast in my lot with Jekyll, was to die to those appetites which I had long secretly indulged and had of late begun to pamper. To cast it in with Hyde, was to die to a thousand interests and aspirations, and to become, at a blow and for ever, despised and friendless. The bargain might appear unequal; but there was still another consideration in the scales; for while Jekyll would suffer smartingly in the fires of abstinence, Hyde would be not even conscious of all that he had lost".

This, is, Indiegirl, so good. It describes waywards so perfectly.

What do I do when he wants to change up child visitation without any notice. He has been seeing her for a few hours m-w-f. He has to work Friday so now he is demanding that he sees her on Saturday. I am taking her to a football game, so that isn't going to work. Honestly, I hate this so much.