No, I don't find anything offensive at all. I am just trying to explain to you that I have not contradicted Dr. Harley at all. If you will take the time to do more research and even contact him yourself, you will understand that we have not contradicted him in any way.


No, he specifically chose a career that complemented his marriage, just like the rest of us did. That is not by accident, but by design. My husbands career required him to travel and he changed positions.


I think the first step in finding a career that complements your marriage is keeping an open mind. You haven't asked for any such suggestions, but if you did, I am sure folks might present their ideas. But the bottom line is that you and your husband have to a) be willing to make such a change and b) come up with ideas that would make YOU happy. This is YOUR life, after all, so you need to do the heavy lifting here. We don't know what types of jobs he would like, so obviously our help will be limited.

We have had hundreds of people change jobs in my time here, pilots, surgeons, Army Generals, doctors, engineers, flight attendants, traveling nurses, policemen, just about every occupation has found new careers/positions that complemented their marriages.

I did ask for suggestions, and I'm still very open to hearing them. So is he. And he's willing to find a new job as long as he's doing software development. What he would really like to do is develop from home and sell the software to companies that have a need for it.

I've been thinking a lot about what you've said and I think maybe you're right in that I am being close minded about it... Maybe just being protective of him? And getting defensive, I think. And dishonest with myself.

The truth is, I hate when he travels. I have so much anxiety over it. I've tried so hard to not give him a hard time about it, but if he's willing to flirt with people when he's away from me (and possibly more), then why am I the one that has to try to make it easier for him to be away? You're right. That's garbage.

I am such a doormat with this guy. Ugh. It's stupid for me to be sitting here arguing this. I'm sorry.

There are plenty of jobs in software development that do NOT require overnight travel.

Many of us know that anxiety well so I greatly sympathize with you. And believe me, it goes away once the travel ends. Why not sleep on it and discuss with your husband?

I actually discussed it with him just now. It took all of five minutes.

His response was that he never wants me to feel like this again. There are plenty of jobs he could take that don't require travel... It was just something he wanted to do. But not enough to hurt our marriage over. He agreed with you, MelodyLane and said that he thinks his job isn't in the best interest of our marriage and therefore our children. He thanked me for being honest about what I want and told me he'll start submitting his resume to other companies first thing in the morning.

I'm just... Well... I'm stunned. I don't even know what to say. I've been so afraid to ask this of him.

My H had two affairs; each one happened during his business travel. We signed up for the online course after the last one, and the first guidance we received from Dr. Harley was to avoid spending nights apart going forward. To that end, we had to find ways for me to travel with him. Thankfully, he hasn't had to travel very much in the last four years. Even so, we have had to spend several thousand dollars in air fare for me to join him on a couple of overseas trips. But going with him has been much better than us spending that time apart, especially knowing that he's a good-looking man that women tend to like. I also know that there are predator women "out there," and I know from the past that I should not trust my H under those circumstances. Being without a wife, in a place far from home, with attractive women who don't mind flirting or having sex with a married man is combination that is dangerous for most marriages.

At the very least, travel would have kept us apart and unable to do much to meet each others emotional needs. We learned to live independently and that wasn't great for our marriage either.

Wow! That's pretty fantastic. Good job in discussing your concerns with him in a respectful way.

Really... Thank you so much for pushing this today and giving me the courage to say something. He was supposed to go to Singapore in January for 9 days and I've been so freaked out about it. He told me that even if he hasn't found something else by then, he will opt out of the trip and do his meetings via video conference.

LongWay, my husband is also very attractive. And he looks kind of like a "bad boy" I guess, so women are ridiculous around him. He never used to pay any attention to it. It was really hard finding out that he had given this girl his attention in whatever capacity he did. I hate thinking about it.

But knowing that he's willing to find a new job is HUGE in regards to being hopeful for the future.

Very proud of you!!

Your feelings are WORTH a job change. There is no damn job that is worth your needless suffering and anxiety. You are much more valuable than this job.

He also repeated that he was willing to do the polygraph.

How does that work, exactly? Or does it depend on where you get it done?

I would call your local police station and ask if they can suggest someone. [you don't have to tell them why you are asking] Many polygraph testers are former detectives. You want to find someone who is fully certified. Just do some checking around.

I think I've always been afraid that if I asked too much of him, he would leave me. That's the short version of how my first marriage ended. My first husband had an affair with my best friend who lived across the street. I was pregnant at the time. When he told me about it, we both decided we wanted to stay together, but when I demanded that we sell our house and move to another city, he refused and divorced me instead.

I refused to date until our divorce was final (which took over a year). When I met my current husband, I was so determined to do things the right way. But in the process, I have given in to far too much at the expense of my feelings and he took advantage of that for a long time. I don't want our marriage to be that way. I do struggle with self worth.

Please follow through on the polygraph. It will give you peace of mind and exonerate your husband. That is win/win. It is in both your best interest and gives you a chance to start fresh.

And another thing for you to think about, I can tell you are in the habit of making sacrifices. You have been dreading his January Singapore trip but you were willing to make that horrible sacrifice at great personal cost. This is a very bad habit that sets you up for an unhappy, incompatible marriage. This program will help you overcome that bad habit.

I'm currently installing a key logger on his work laptop that he left open, on and downstairs. He may be able to hide things from me, but keystrokes don't lie.

This may help. Polygraph Testing

Isn't it interesting that you concluded that your husband left you because you asked too much? The truth is that the only way you would have ever recovered is if you moved. Living across the street from the OW meant a life consisting of a death of a thousand cuts for you.

The reason he left you is because he didn't care about his marriage, not because you asked too much. It would have been devastating to your mental health to stay there living across from the OW, so you did the right thing. You knew instinctively you couldn't live like that and you were RIGHT.

Here is the link for the American Polygraph Association.
http://www.polygraph.org/members/directory

[/quote] I do struggle with self worth. [/quote]


Hi OEB,

I have been following your thread here and am encouraged by your husbands validation of your feelings and is planning to take actions to support his intentions and your concerns.

I too had a husband who was entrenched in IB surrounding work and hobbies. Personally the dynamic where one of us had a overstated sense of self worth while the other thought too little of herself was an unhealthful balance for our marriage. With our faith base intact, MB principles --at least for ourselves-- helps us maintain a healthy balance towards our own sense of worth and one another's. Everything is a gift, right?