And I want to emphasize that he has to agree to all of your conditions and commit to recovery of the marriage. If he agrees to just transfer but still plans on moving out, then you should go ahead and expose.

The 30 days is a good will gesture for someone who is ending his affair, committing to the marriage and quitting his job. It is not a grace period for active adulterers.

jkwpurple: i notified the moderator

ok I sent jkwpurple an email. I'm on east coast so it's late and i'll hopefully be able to work on this tomorrow.

Here Please Explain Gaslighting

I got that, but what do you mean by thinking of ways to separate? Do you mean looking at finances, etc?

Yes. Study this so when/if you need it you'll be prepared.

How to Plan B Correctly

His leaving is not the worst case scenario here. Staying and putting you through a false recovery is.

If he is shut out you get to keep your world while he loses his. Until he is all in marriage he is all in affair.

So protect yourself and let him hit rock bottom. What it truly means to choose the A.

No, I mean encouraging him to move out. Are you familiar with Plan B? Have you read Surviving an Affair?

It's awesome that you are helping out in terms of finding OW family! Keep us updated!

I'd just discourage you from offering any other advice to purple off the board related to any other aspect of SAA. She really needs to stick to the forum for now

Was this ever done?

Agree x 1000

I have been thinking a lot about your situation, purple. Given that your WH has been talking about moving out for a while now and that the OW is single, I am very afraid you are not being aggressive enough about killing this affair.

I ordered the book but it isn't here yet.

I read about plan b. The sample letters are all to WS who don't want to move out. Mine wants to go, and says he doesn't want to reconcile. How do I go about this? Is there any hope?

I haven't gotten his response since I laid out what I want. He works a double shift today. I may see him when he gets home if I can stay awake until he gets home.

I just cannot see the point in this. Do I then send her a link to it so she knows it's out there? I hate those kind of scummy sites that feed on people's pain.

Adjust the letter to your own situation. If your H moves out, the letter will be a list of the conditions he will need to meet before returning. The Plan B letter will have the IM information as well.

Your H now says he doesn't want to reconcile, but yes, there is still hope. My H had planned to divorce me and had no intention of reconciling. Eventually he rolled his eyes at the chaplain we were seeing and said VERY reluctantly, "okay, I'll do the right thing...." Said with a big sigh, this didn't exactly make my heart beat with joy. Still, as long as the affair was dead, the opportunity to recovery was now better. And yes, we reconciled, recovered, and now have a marriage better than ever before.

Many times, more often than not, the affair will die and the WS wants to return home. The Plan B letter gives him the way back.

All is not lost, Purple. Expose wide and far and to HR if your H doesn't leave his job quickly and set your conditions. If your conditions are not met, start working on a dark Plan B. Plan B is not designed to bring him back; it's designed to protect your health, your sanity, and your love for your H.

Do all you can to kill the affair.

I know you are terrified about your WH's job but please consider this...what D and post-D life will look like for you, purple. That is what you are up against if you don't kill this affair.

I hope you are not entertaining any idea that your WH will continue to do right by you and your children should you separate.

When I separated with my WxH, we had an agreement that I would not expose to his workplace and that he would move out and continue to completely financially support us. I FULLY believed he would comply with this agreement.

Well...shortly after moving out, he shacked up with OW and soon after that, he began screwing with us financially (about 1-2 mos).

Divorcing him was an absolute NIGHTMARE. If he had had his way, he would have kicked me out on the streets, moved him and OW into the house and had OW help raise my kids 50-50 (since he works too much) so that he wouldn't have to pay me CS. These were real issues in the D. I am not exaggerating!

You are not being aggressive enough and I am afraid that you are going to regret this.

So, do I send her a link? Is that why?

Ok, I did it. Now what?

The sample letters are to any WS, so it would apply. But don't worry about writing the letter YET. First, get him to move out. You can't go into Plan B until he is gone.