Purple, I regret not being strong enough to get the OW and my H fired. Yes, he would have hated me. But, guess what? He hates me now because I am not speaking to him, spending money on an apt, furniture, clothes, and blaming me for everything that went wrong. He blames me for HIS affair. Your H will do the same, believe me. They all think of their Betrayed spouse as the devil and the OW as their angel. By you being a doormat, letting him and her get away with this crap just shows you as pathetic and weak. He needs to see you are strong. He is in a free fall and you need to be the one to take control here. You are the only one who has that power. Think of him as a disorderly teenager. Would you put up with such nonsense and disrespect from your own children? Your H knows you well and knows you don't have a backbone.

Exposure is NOT playing dirty. Playing dirty would be having a revenge affair. None of the posters here nor Dr. Harley would recommend doing something that is wrong in the eyes of God.

Exposure of wrongdoing is the RIGHT thing to do. Doing all you can to save your marriage is the RIGHT thing to do. Allowing your H to walk down the path of adultery and destruction without doing ALL you can do is helping him walk down a path that will lead him to become a crappy man.

His supervisors have a right to know that they have two people in their ranks who are destroying families and are using very poor judgment. They are also likely breaking the HR rules of professionalism. In many organizations having a romantic relationship with someone in the office, especially with a subordinate, is grossly unprofessional.

Don't use the excuse "I don't want to be the kind of person who gets a man fired" to avoid doing the right thing - fighting for your marriage!

Do you really want to allow the skanky OW to step in and steal all you and your H have built together without putting up a fight with ALL the weapons at your disposal? I sure as hell didn't!

I wish I knew about this forum when I was going through Plan A. I would have done exposure to Husband's family and his workplace. I couldn't eat, sleep, or think straight. My head was spinning and I didn't know how to stop the runaway train coming in my direction. Now I see the light, but it's too late for me.

He has agreed to write a nc letter.

That is meaningless. He is moving out and he works with her.

The affair is ON.

You are not listening to us and in your own BS fog.

He must agree to get a transfer out of there! He must take a leave of absence until the transfer. Can you get financial help from relatives until the transfer if needed? He cannot go back to where this OW is working.

Sweet mercy of course he has. That's just a good joke at your expense. "I'll tell the wife it's no contact even though I'll see you Monday schmoopie".

You are holding on to hope where there is none right now. We see it from past experience. You don't. You're still in denial.

Indiegirl: I felt the same way as purple. Wow, what an idiot I was! I wish I had the fortitude to do the right thing. I may have been able to save my marriage, and get the OW fired, embarrassed and out of our lives.

His actions are going to get him fired. Not yours.

Look it's your life. If you're not ready to fire on this assault then cower in your bunker. Let us know when you're ready, when you've eaten enough pain.

Doing nothing is not the safe option. You'll gain more blame doing nothing.

Maybe it will be in time. Maybe it will be before this whole thing blows up in your face.what would you do if you were not afraid?

It's very clear to me that your WH uses your "kindness" as a tool against you and is very good at manipulating you!

He needs to write a No Contact letter AND give notice to his office that he needs to transfer or quit effective immediately. The NC letter without a move from that office is meaningless.

Purple: He's not the man you married. He's in a fog and falling. He has no idea what the right thing is to do at this point in his life. He only knows he is "in love" and he is addicted like an addict. If your child was a drug addict, would you be afraid to stop his actions at all costs? Of course not! You would fight with every fiber in your body to get your kid well. Your H is not well, he is drowning. His life (as well as yours and your children) will be shattered if you don't take action and complete control over the situation.

Here.

Important/Special Events while in Plan B

I strongly recommend seeing your doctor for ADs. Dr. Harley often recommends starting with something like Wellbutrin, since it has the fewest side effects, then if you don't get much relief, go back to your doctor and try a different one.

I took an anti-anxiety med called Lexapro which worked really well. My mother also took Lexapro when my father/her husband passed away. She took it for about a month and then weaned off. The rule for ending ADs is to wean yourself off of them a little at a time.

You are experiencing considerable stress that can be not only paralyzing but also damaging. Please reconsider your position on ADs.

Please open your eyes. It took me a few weeks to really open my eyes to the situation. I was like you, I didn't want to let my WH face the consequences of his choice. I was enabling the affair by not setting boundaries, it was taking a toll on me and my kids. Part of my issue was my real support is in a whole other country and to just up and move the kids, I had to deal with a lot of legal paperwork/money.

I was scared of letting him leave or making him leave because I am a sahm, I depend on him. If he chose not to deposit his check, I was screwed with no money for anything. I know my family and some friends would have helped financially until we could move but that was not the point. That was until I put my big girl panties on and confronted OW personally, not in the best way, but it had to be done. I kept open communication with the OWH. Between both of us, we broke the affair. Then I allowed my WH to stay at our home and it was miserable, I had to walk on eggshells. I guess at that point he was trying to punish me for bursting his bubble, I got fed up and kicked him out. He was literally homeless. His sister refused to allow him to stay at her house. It took 6 days but he finally realized his fantasy was really over and he was losing everything, even the respect of his children. He agreed to meet my conditions and work on recovery. Was he angry? Yes, very angry. Has he forgiven me? not really, but in time he will just forget and see that I did what I needed to do to rescue him from making the biggest mistake of his life.

I know there is not a OWH in your case which makes it even more important to break this affair by exposing to his job. His affair is at work. So, he staying there is not going to give him a chance to lift the fog. You and your kids are going to be in the back burner, and this woman will be their step mother, the same one that wrecked their family. Even my 9 and 7 yr old get it. They know that they do not want the OW to be their step mother (and they loved this woman) but they would be ok, if their father and I decide to divorce and then either one of us met someone down the road and marry them.

okay, he is looking for a graceful way out. He has his boss he needs a transfer ASAP.

shift change effective today.letter to her parents is written and I'll stop by the post office today to send it.

What he could do while waiting is take leave so he doesn't work with the OW. Is this possible?

So is he ready to:

1) end the A
2) send a NC letter to the OW, approved and mailed by you (written in MB format)
3) leave his job ASAP (with no further contact with OW)
4) commit to a program of marital recovery (MB)
5) abide by the EP list, including full transparency

If he is not willing to do ALL of these things, if he is just saying he will work on leaving the job gracefully but still planning to continue his A, continue contact, move out, etc. ... then you STILL need to expose this to his workplace.