The first counselor we went to was through my H's Employee Assistance Plan, and one thing that my H and I would agree on is that her diploma isn't worth the paper it is printed on. <P>I suspect it is very difficult to find a decent counselor - one of the books I read strongly adviced against having individual counselors for H and W, because the probability of finding two good ones is so slim.<P>I think a lot of people go into the field of counseling to, as Tom Lehrer said, help people who are happier than they are. I am sure there are good counselors out there, but they are few and far between, and probably not covered by an HMO or EAP.

Tnt, I do not know what state you live in or if you would even consider this. But I have gone to Catholic Charities. I have been to two different ones and they have been great. You don't have to have insurance and they will set payment based on your ability to pay and you don't have to be catholic. They are definitely against divorce, and the ones I have been to are very supported. BUt what ever you need to see one just to help YOU to deal with all this stufff.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

TNT -- Don't know what else to say except to offer hugs and prayers.<P>God Bless

Hi TNT. You've always been there for me ... not much time at the moment, but here's a hug for you.<P>{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}

Boy, I know that there is no sense in continuing on with a counselor with these values. I know I could get a referral from the crisis center to a counselor who specializes in abuse. I am sure he will not go to a new counselor. He is such a control freak, that if it weren't his idea it is no idea.<P>I am just sooo fed up.<P>I've been crying most of the morning. It feels so hopeless. I just can't shelf my feelings anymore. <P>Predisclosure plan B? I'm not sure. <P>He came home, popped his head in here, and asked if I wanted a divorce. I didn't answer. He said that our kids will go to foster care because of our problems. I told him not to threaten me with anything like that, that is ludicrous, I am not unfit. He said he has a bad feeling.<P>I am not buying his little munipulative games. <P>He said he needed to go grocery shopping. He currently is witholding money from me, and is the only source of income at this time. I have a little bit of money in my checkbook, but not much. He just won't give me money when we need things. Now he won't let me do any grocery shopping. He is going to do it. He told me I couldn't even go to the store.<P>I told him I want money for groceries, cigarettes and gasoline. No answer. Smiles at me and says to SD#1 - come on, let's go for groceries. He said he will not give me a dime. Tells me that I need to leave. I said that I am not holding back my feelings anymore. That it doesn't pay off for me.<P>He laughs. I repeat over and over and over again - Are you going to give me money for gas, ciggarettes and groceries. Laughs again. <P>There is more to this story. He threatened that if I didn't shut up he would physically abuse me. I said he would go to jail. He said our child will go to foster care.<P>Our son was sitting there. He said he's not going to a foster home. Husband said if I didn't shut up then he was. <P>I just kept repeating the same question about the money. Nothing except mouthing the word J O B. <P>I do not need to work. He makes plenty of money. I am waiting to submit some grants so that I can create my own job. He knows this. <P>I think he wants out soooo bad, but is afraid he will have to pay alimony and child support. He is soooo selfish.<P>I had a meeting today about some grants, a small project that will get me some money, and the non-profit I have started. I am working towards the direction of working, but he has no respect for the work I am doing. I just can't win.<P>I am sooo frustrated. <P>He is such a J E R K!!! I am not kidding! Lie lie lie lie lie.

i am so sorry <BR>this is just getting worse and worse for you.<BR>i can sympathize with the 'threatening'they do. H will say anything to scare me out of leaving, though.<BR>he gets me in a headlock and tells me he could kill me, if he wanted to. tells me i WANT him to treat me that way!!!<BR>this week, i am totally detaching from him. i dont call or initiate conversations. it feels so much better...like i have my sanity back.<BR>what can you do to detach a little from this crap? it might help, once you have gotten some anger out.<BR>(((((((tnt)))))))))<BR>j

Connie,<BR> I feel so badly for you. I KNOW you want to save your marriage, but with your H being so abusive, I don't see how you can.<BR> The way he is manipulating your son in an attempt to turn him against you especially makes me sick.<BR> I'm afraid for you, Connie. I really am. Call your parents. Let them help you adn your son get away; that doesn't mean you're giving up on your marriage, but that you're setting your boundaries. Get away from your H's control, and maybe he'll think about what he's doing. I don't think so, but as long as he's doing stuff like he's doing, you are in danger.<BR> Please get out of there before he kills you or manages to have you arrested or something!<P> Now that I've said my piece, I will have to tell you to think over the best thing for you and your son and make your decisions based on that.<P> Be careful! {{{{{{Connie}}}}}}

Can you hide a tape recorder somewhere and record some of these conversations with the jerk? Don't know what good it would do, but might be useful evidence if you are being nice and he isn't. Your situation sucks eggs.<P>Don't really have any advise, but I sure would be tempted to get away from him. There are a lot of nicer people out there in the world. I don't think you can "save him".<P>

Hi TNT -<P>PW - You read my mind!!! Need tape recordings and video.......<P>He is trying to make you nutso and push you into doing something......<P>Get copies of any files that this "counselor" has.....they are yours to look at and see what she is keeping a record of.....<P>TNT - I am very serious : you have to get help with this...at least have things on record with the crisis center.<P>Talking in front of your son, blaming it on you because you don't shut your mouth? What is that crap...your son can take that as you wanting him to go to foster care!!!! <P>TNT, this is a very sick, dangerous game and you are no match alone with these people!!!! Get HELP now!!!<P>I don't care what it takes - lawyer, counselor, crisis center, whatever - but cover yourself!!!!<P>HUGS and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba

Connie -- Please, don't allow this to escalate any further. Please get some help to protect yourself. PLEASE.<P>I'm praying for you.<P>God Bless

Thanks guys. I know I'm going to have to take this one more step. <P>It makes me sad, but I don't know what else to do.<P>I'm going to take care of me, don't worry.<P>TNT

Connie,<BR>I know that it is very difficult to live with someone who is a control freak. I leive with one. But I have found that I have to pray hard and keep my focus on Him. In doing so I express His love which usually results in more criticism. This makes me think of what Jesus went through. Showing His love will make your H uncomfortable because it is like heaping hot coals on his head. Don't give up hope. You need to document dates and times for all that you are going through. It sounds like H is trying to get you to ask for the divorce. As long as you have the documented facts about what has occurred you will have one up on him.<P>Love him with His love. It never fails but sometimes is slow by timeframe. It will either cause H to go on an leave or he will be drawn to you. I can relate because that is where I am at. I am also eliminating our debt so that we are not in a financial bind along with structring our finances so that I can keep more peace than is currently in our home.<P>I haven't stop praying. God will give you the direction that He wants you to go. Love SDs as well. There is no answer to love except love. If they can't relate then they will flee because they are of their father Satan. Good and evil can't exist in the same place. <P>MONDO HUG!!!!!!!!!!! DOCUMENT EVERYTHING including conversations if you can remember them.<P>------------------<BR>God Bless,<BR>Rob<P><BR>

TNT...<P>I finally got a chance to get back to your thread.<P>I'm so sorry for you....<BR>{{{{{{{{{{TNT}}}}}}}}}}<P>I didn't know the other things that were happening in your life... just the counseling issue when I posted last.<P>As far as the counseling goes... if H's EAP is as bad as mine... they are scraping the bottom of the counseling pit... <B>No</B> counselor is much better than a <B>bad</B> counselor... even with your financial limitations... I'd suggest H must find a different one (preferably one YOU can agree on too)... or don't go anymore to his... abuse sessions are not what you need now!<P>Yes... I too had to get a tape recorder... about 2 weeks after I talked to the attorney I eventually hired... (about $40.00... maybe your family can help?) I had to get it when my W started being verbally abusive with me... strange thing about it... even when she knew I had it on and was recording... it don't stop her foul mouth... I think she was too far gone then. I think most attorneys will tell you... don't bother with a camcorder... (too obtrusive)... and will be used in a claim of incitement. The tape recorder may have to be used as a measure of self protection. Let H know it is for love not a battle.<P>Now I'll tell you what I did... when my wife was trying to do the same things your husband is doing to you. I don't know if this is the right thing for you... I don't even know if it was the right thing for me... although most people think I've done OK so far...<P>When my wife threatened to take the kids from me (as cruel as saying your son will end up in foster care... I can't believe H would say that... yuck!!!)... I had to take some drastic action. Threats like your H's scare me. I decided to go for custody of my three kids. Your situation is substantially different... since you are the SAHM! Every attorney I've ever spoken to says the same thing... SAHMs have the leverage... working dads DON'T! Most attorneys will give the man a 5%-20% chance... on a very good day. The only reason I got the kids... is because she gave up on them... she thought spending time/life with OM was more important than her own kids!<P>Withholding money for necessities is flat out wrong (any judge in their right mind will see this... and his "laughter"... as an abusive situation)... If you file for divorce... make sure you have written down in a journal (start today) the date(s) he has/will say it and other abusive words. If he does the grocery shopping... it's OK... but the things <B>he doesn't get you and your son</B> are just as if not more important to document then the things he does buy!<P>My wife wanted out so bad... she finally gave up on raising the kids... I hope you H doesn't to that to your son...<P>As you know in my previous post... I am a firm believer in everyone (especially adults) in understanding consequences. He obviously doesn't understand the "child support" issues if he leaves... it will be a rude awakening for him once he learns on his own the implications of leaving/abusing you. He will find that "control freak" nature can be matched harshly by the courts control of child support monies.<P>Make sure you don't leave the house!<P>Don't threaten H though about divorce/child custody/child support ect... this is something he must discover on his own... Don't love bust, especially if you're in Plan A. But do protect yourself... and take steps to protect yourself.<P>I know you don't want to go for any kind of custody battle... I sure as h*** didn't want to either... but my wife pushed... and pushed.. me into it.<P>Even if you don't file for a divorce (I had to for the custody issue)... you need to know how to protect yourself and your kids. I filed... (can't say I regret it yet)... but am doing everything possible to hold off the divorce... <B>forever</B> if at all possible! You need to get some advice from a competent attorney... or several of them... look for those that give you free advice first. I've made the following recommendation to other's before... go the <A HREF="http://lawyers.martindale.com/marhub/form/by.html" TARGET=_blank>Matindale-Hubbell</A> lawyers search site. Do a search in your county just on "family law" attorneys... look for ones that do (almost exclusively) family law cases... look for ones that are on numerous family law committees and boards... and if they know the judges... all the better.<P>I'm <B>not</B> saying file for divorce... NO! NO! NO!<P>But... please plan in the near future to get advice... on protecting yourself... your daily existence... your child... it <B>is very important</B>! Hey... we care about you! <P>God knows I am praying hard for you....<P>Bless you... He will keep you safe...<BR>Just a little more Trust-n-God... OK Trust-n-Truth...<P>Jim

hi tnt, pack the car with your belongings that are most important, your son's belongings, the computer, take his credit card and get the two of you outa there. <BR>Head toward CA to parents and stop here on the way. I have an extra room, you and son are most welcome. There is assistance available here for those in your situation.<BR>I have a feeling that this money thing is a new game to keep you there. It is part of the abuse cycle, very well documented my dear. <BR>Be very careful when you leave. Very very careful.<BR>If he wants to work on the marriage and the family, he can start by getting help for his own issues. Then he can do it by mail and phone until the basics, such as safety and human needs, are under control. <BR>I am being a hard*** because I care about the future of you and your son.

TNT - Please check out this website. Your H sounds like a classic batterer, as is mine. <A HREF="http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm" TARGET=_blank>http://www.aaml.org/battered.htm</A>

Hi TNT -<P>Just coming here to check on you...<P>Let us know how you are...we care and we worry.....<P>HUGS and PRAYERS,<P>Sheba