Will do. I also filed a police report, but I am going to journal everything

Good for you filing a report.

It shows that you have boundaries of acceptable behavior in your life and he crossed one.

My wife came home once, and I was in the bedroom (door locked)...she also kicked it in and broke the entire latching assembly.

This gives me huge pause. He is now both emotially and physically abusive. I'm not sure this can be put back together at all.

A year ago, I would have never believed that what is happening now was even possible. We were happy (or so I thought).

It's like the person you entrusted your life to became a zombie in an instant, ain't it? Sad, sad, sad.

Only time will tell if your marriage can recover.

Affairs ARE abusive....in every way. Your WH is railing against loss of control of you and OW and the situation. You are showing you have zero tolerance for abuse.

Do not try to project what will happen later. Just take steps now to keep out of the abusive cycle and to be in Plan B and its environment of self care and protection.

You need to file for separation or divorce ( I would file for D) and also file for a Restraining Order ASAP. Without court orders you will continue to twist in the wind. You can ask for the move too. The text from OW (admitting to an affair with your WH) and your WH getting physically violent works in your favor.

Do not delete any texts, emails, etc from POS OW or her enablers. A BS should keep all affair evidence. It is foolish to toss it since it can help your case.

Sorry for the continued hurt, PW.

Yeah, this has just gone too far. I'm not sure what he imagines is going to happen now, but it's definitely not good. I've given him every opportunity to do better. I'm doing all I csn to have an effective plan B, and he keeps getting around it and begins fighting with me. He doesn't respect boundaries at all.

Well, I'm getting a restraining order against him. At least that will keep me in an affective plan B while I sort things out.

I may need to wait to file for divorce until I get to my new county, but I will file a restraining order.

My in-laws keep contacting me, which I think is unproductive at this point. They are of limited help. They don't understand the fog so it's not a good idea to be in contact with them.

Well handled. Please make sure you secure your home and let your landlord know he used those keys for violent purposes.

So my IM finally told me that what he was trying to tell me is that he would let us leave and then follow us later. I realize that this would allow him to continue his affair, but my goal is to leave at this point. Now I don't think he will agree to it.

Why didn't your IM tell you this?

I would question the truth of this. You have a habit of feeling regretful because of your part in this, forgetting that fighting an affair and snapping a wayward out of the fog is maddening. He KNOWS how to make you feel like it's all your fault.

Maybe he told your IM this AFTER the confrontation knowing you would feel terrible? Just like waywards say "I was thinking of working it out until you exposed!!" Now he says he just wanted to tell you you could move? If that's what he wanted you to know, why get so NUTS about it?

This sounds like just another manipulation tactic on his part to get through your plan b. I don't buy for a second that he came over to your apartment and tried to break the door down just to tell you you could move away. That doesn't make any sense.

Anticipate manipulation, gas lighting and hysteria from him. He knows how to push your buttons and disempower you.

She just told me that he is willing to move/explore moving if I talk to him about how it would work. I gave him my terms, so there is nothing to talk about. Should that be my response?

She just told me that he did message her ahead of the incident.

I agree Zibbles. He was saying, "I'm trying to help you. You have to talk to me." But got super angry. I told him, "you are still in contact with your affair partner." And then he said, "are you planning to take our daughter without my consent?" All I said was, "you'll hear from my lawyer. I'm not breaking any laws." As he was leaving the room, I went to shut the door and he starting saying,"this is my family." I said, "you are still having an affair!" And that's when he kicked the door.

So he came over to tell me to move and then got mad that I was...trying to move. It makes no sense as usual. So now she messaged me that he is willing to move IF I talk to him.

I would take him up on this. He can meet you at your attorney's office to talk (with your attorney present) and sign the agreement giving his consent for you to move...signing being done first of course.

There is nothing that needs to be talked about face-to-face. Your IM could even tell WH to email his specific questions to her. She can then send the email directly to your attorney and your attorney can discuss it with you. I have been an IM and have sent email directly to the attorney vs the BW.

He is saying now that he is willing to move with us, not just willing to let is move.

That doesn't change what I posted before. If he is going to move "with" you then he can still sign an agreement that you have his permission to move with DD or that it's his intention to move with you...whatever. If he emailed this to IM then ask your attorney if that is enough to give you the green light to move to SoCal. I wouldn't worry about whether he moves. The main thing is you and DD can get out of there. Don't get bogged down with this has to be some agreed upon possible Recovery. Let him think whatever he wants but I would take this chance to get out of NoCal.

Gotcha. Any other possible courses of action. I could file the restraining order, but it might be just better to get him to agree and leave it alone or do both. I need to talk with my attorney tomorrow. His door breaking happened, but the police told me that it will probably not be pursued given that there were no witnesses.

What won't be pursued? The restraining order or charges?

Talk to your attorney tomorrow about the move and if his email is enough...and also the restraining order, etc.