Well, the GPS was placed by a licensed private investigator so I think you have a defense against any stalking charges.
The investigator is bound by state rules and so there is a protection afforded to the person he is following.

I also placed a cell phone in the vehicle myself to track it the first week, and I did tell the PD this as they asked about it. I would still imagine I am within my rights, and the detective seemed to agree.

axe,

If the police department asks you questions tell them you don't want to discuss anything without the presence of your attorney

Am I crazy to think that the desperateness of WW's actions here indicates that the exposure has seriously damaged her exit strategy and the A? The more of this I see, the more I come to that conclusion. It seems like they are really scrambling to put fires out over in camp A.

Exposure speeds everything up.
It speeds up the natural death of the affair.
If I was OM, I would not like getting phone calls from relatives about my adultery!
That must place tremendous stress on the affair and he is probably wondering if your wife is worth all the grief and baggage she brings along.

I just wanted to follow up and run some thoughts/ideas by you guys. Some facts regarding the situation at this point:

WW:
- Hasn't seen me in a month.
- Won't take my calls, or respond to texts/voicemails with very rare exceptions.
- Won't talk to her family other than once every 2 weeks.
- Staying at a house with several young adults (not sure yet if OM is there). PI has tracked her to OM's relatives houses on her days off via GPS.
- Filed a restraining order and police report against me about GPS on her car but both were turned down.
- Moved her stuff out (and into storage according to her parents) 2 weeks ago.
- Has never actually said the word "divorce" to me in all of this, only asked for a "separation". During last day of counseling MC asked if this meant temporary or permanent and she said permanent.

Exposure:
I've done everything I mentioned except confronting OM (happening this weekend, got some friends to help keep it civil and VAR).

FIL/MIL want me to go confront her at her car after work and try to get her to talk to me. I think this is a bad idea. I'm nearly certain FIL advised her to file for the restraining order so I also do not trust him anymore.

WW has a fierce independent streak like I do and so I'm perplexed a bit about how to properly Plan A her right now. I'm concerned that continually trying to contact her will push her away, and in general I'm not sure what I can do when she refuses to speak to me. I feel like I sort of have to let her crash and burn in her new little world before she will have any desire to work on the marriage. The 5 weeks of counseling before she left (as I began to uncover the A) I was unconsciously doing Plan A, with no LBs and making every love bank deposit I could manage. She went from being unhappy to friendly with me, but was adamant about not being in love with me. She seemed genuinely undecided on our future as she would sort of flash between saying/doing things suggesting she would stay and expressing doubts about staying.

I was rereading some of our old emails from when we were dating/engaged and realized that (1) she had what I now realize is an EA during our dating which caused me to quit the relationship for few weeks until she broke it off and came back and (2) OS relationship boundaries have been a lurking issue for us since day one. These haven't been recurring events throughout the marriage, but it's a little like deja vu here so that's kind of scary.

Do I just wait out the A at this point? Is there anything I should be doing here that I'm not? I can do the waiting, I just don't want to squander opportunities.

Axe,

So after you have confronted the OM, you can do things to Plan A her. Send her texts letting her know that you hope she is doing ok and that you are worried about her. Mention once in awhile that you miss her. Keep the home clean, warm, and inviting so that when she comes in she will think of the good things. Though you are not in a lot of contact with her, make the moments she does come into contact as pleasing and pleasant as possible.

Don't crowd her, but be consistent is showing that you care. Write her love a love letter every now and then.

Over the 14 months that my wayward wife and I were separated, I would find opportunities now and then to show her that I still cared even though I was also very angry and full of resentment. I sucked it up and made the Plan A effort. I wrote her a love letter, which to my surprise I learned after she moved back home she kept. I texted her links to songs. I brought her soup when she was sick. Little things spread out. I did not think these little actions worked as she never said anything about them. I thought they meant nothing to a hardened heart. But I learned after she hit rock bottom that they kept me in the game, and they eventually made reconciliation possible.

Have you ever emailed Dr Harley?

He moved out of the marital home.

Take this time to work on your own betterment (whatever you have not done in the past......) and be kind to her if/when you do have any contact with her. Be your best self despite her actions or lack of them.

That is about the best you can do Plan A-ing with someone who is attempting to have no contact with you.

Not yet. I will probably do that tonight or tomorrow. I've been thinking of doing a call as well.

FIL texted me asking if he could give my number to a friend of the family who is apparently concerned about me and wants to speak to me. I know the friend fairly well as he comes to family events with the inlaws regularly. He is a close friend of FIL.

He just called me and wanted to schedule a time to talk to me, so I agreed to meet him on Sunday afternoon and talk. It was an awkward, brief conversation getting it scheduled and he sounded very upset.

Not sure what to expect at all of this conversation. Going to pray for humility and openness in it as I'm really starting to chafe at the mixed signals I'm getting from the in laws and I don't want to say something careless or destructive to this guy.

Yes, but I do plan on trying to make wherever I settle the most attractive that I can. If the consequences of an RO weren't as severe in my situation I would have stayed.

Be very wary of this meeting!!!!!

I don't see much good coming out of it, and it is full of pitfalls and risk. The inlaws have shown that they are not on your side by their actions, and this is just another one of them.

If the blame game starts, end it politely and leave.

What do others say?

I predict the theme of the meeting will be:
You are hurt, she is hurt and it's time to be nice and stop throwing mud at each other and either agree to counseling or divorce.

You may say, "She's having an affair."

To which he will reply, "Well, FIL said that you spread rumors about her all over town (expoosure) and she is hurt and shamd (blaming you).

I could be wrong, but based on FIL actions that's what I think

This is also my hunch, unfortunately. However, there is no wind in the sails of this potential argument. It's not exactly like she is willing to work on reconciling and all of the concessions in the world from me are not going to change this. She moved out before the exposure even happened.

If her family's goal really is counseling and not steering towards divorce, is there any benefit to saying "sure, I'll agree to counseling provided WW moves back in and we both are transparent to a 3rd party about phones, passwords, etc"? I could simply steer us towards MB as counseling.

I doubt she would accept this offer but just thinking out loud.

I would just tell them "I am willing to work with your daughter to create a loving romantic marriage but she must first end her affair"

Ax,

I agree! I would call this person and decline the meeting. You don't need another third party in your M now advising you no matter how well-intentioned he may be, especially if he is in in the in-laws camp. You have a very good advisory source in MN

Tom.

I trust the advice here but I do want to try to understand it more about the meeting.

I think if I call this off it will spook the inlaws. I'm not sure what this guy can say to or ask me that I should be afraid of. I am armed with the truth and I think what Jedi recommended as a response is simple enough.

What pitfalls do you guys see if I don't call this off? Also, about to go confront OM.