I don't guess I understand what you are saying. What is wrong with the choices your daughter made? How does it affect you negatively?

I have a 13 year old daughter, who can act a bit selfish as is probably common for 13 yr old daughters. An example of an exchange between us is 'can you take me to (friends) house?' 'no I'm sorry I am busy doing (chore)' [ensuing minor teenage outburst] 'that's so rude I cannot believe you are saying no, I never get to see my friends, you never let me have any fun.....' 'darling don't you think you are being selfish here?'

The end to that example is that she probably right now does NOT see how that is selfish, but likewise I do NOT stop my chore and bring her to her friends and give in to her selfish behavior. I just carry on and let her be angry, and let her feel like she is missing out, and realize that giving in to her might make her happy NOW but in the long run it is sending the wrong message.

Around here words mean nothing, actions are what carry weight. Telling her she is selfish while enabling her selfish behavior is not going to make an impact.

I disagree with this. Right now she has so much cake around her she has NO consequences to her behavior. She has you putting a roof over her head, her ex-bf living in her house still and presumably filling her needs since according to you he wants her back, and a new guy on the side! She even has a car to drive that was basically given to her by her bf so she wouldn't suffer the consequences of breaking up with him, while she pursued the new guy.

It's not like he married her. He got a month to month arrangement, and now it is over. If he wanted more, he could have told her he wouldn't live with her or do any of this stuff without a legal marriage.

If he wanted more, he should've put a ring on it. If she wanted all this stuff from him, she should've put a ring on it. Maybe he'll learn not to give so much without commitment next time. Or maybe he's perfectly happy and will move on to the next cheap lay whose mother puts him up.

Either way, it's his life lesson to learn - how does any of this affect you?

Because she has made horrible choices and as her mother I hate it and it makes me sad even though I know there is nothing I can do about it as they are her choices to make not mine, but it does make me sad that my own daughter cannot see the selfishness herself.

While I know that this discussion is about the poor choices my DD has made I really do not appreciate you calling her a cheap lay.

And once again I do not know why you insist that I am taking care of him when that is not true.

How it affects me is that I hate what my DD has done to this guy, it bothers me and is causing me anxiety.

Maybe you are correct, I still feel really bad for the BF however and like I said to think that my DD did this is beyond me.....

All of my children did things like that and I did not drop what I was doing to take them anywhere. They also hated it because unless they had a fever or were puking I made them go to school, they would always say "so and so's mom let's them stay home" to which I would reply "well I am not so and so's mom am I"

They also did not get their license until they were 18 because they had to pay for drivers ed if they wanted them and they chose not, they never got cell phones until they had a job and got them for themselves.

While I know that I am enabling her selfishness now, I did not teach her to be selfish and both of my other children are so opposite of her that it sometimes seems like she is not my child lol

I agree that children can have diff personalities and one can be more naturally self centered than the others. But that makes it even more important not to enable selfish behavior in someone who tends to let their taker run the show.

I guess I have to go home and tell the BF he has to go, I just still feel horrible for him.....

And my DD, I just hope she realizes before she enters into another relationship.

Just what I knew all along, my eldest DD just called me to tell me the DD we have been discussing posted something on one of her social networking things about being sad, so the eldest DD called her and the DD we have been discussing said the OS friend told her he would no longer be coming over to the house for some reason and she was crying and told my eldest daughter that if she would have known that she would not have broke up with her BF.

That makes me so angry at her.....

She's not going to grow up and act mature until you stop enabling her.

Why would the new bf not want to hang out at home with the old bf? Strange.

Although this behavior is a bit selfish yes, it is true that they are not married, so you're DD does have every right to play the field. I wouldn't be too hard on her for that, just her less that straightforward methods. But I do hope you ingest some of what has been said about enabling. Perhaps since new bf is not working out she will go back to old bf, maybe not. Either way you can see that your method of supporting them has led them further from marriage and a life of 'buying' instead of closer.

This made me laugh but the new BF is not a new BF my DD was infatuated with him, I do not think he ever thought of her as a GF it is just my DD. I do not know his reasoning for no longer coming over but he is friends with the old BF too not just my DD.

And I do see that I am hurting THEM not helping THEM. And I really hope the old BF sites not go back with her

And that is what I am upset with her about, I can't blame her if she no longer wishes to be with this BF if that is what she wants, it is the selfishness and just the WAY she did it.

Ok so I told the BF he had until the middle of next month to get a vehicle and another place.

I tried to talk to my DD to let her know the BF is using the majority of their savings to have a down payment on a car and a deposit on a place to live but she is too upset about the OS friend no longer coming over that she has been in her room most of the night she did not even come down for dinner.

That doesn't mean you have to enable your own children in your own home. Being an enabler is not a good example of parenting. You allowed your own daughter to be treated as an unpaid wh*re right under your own roof in a destructive relationship. You condoned it.

You didn't have to allow your daughter to shack up like a hoe in your own house. All it did was wreck her relationship and wreck her life.

Parents are supposed to use their influence to persuade their children to make SOUND decisions.

You are just making excuses for your own enabling behavior.