Hi! I'm new on this site but would love some advice. My husband lives and works in Rio, Brazil. I found messages on his phone from a girl in Rio. I went mad and the truth came out that he's had a girlfriend there for just under a year. I live in the UK. We only got married in June!

trying to cut long story short. we've been together for 11 years. His very evil ex wife (another Brazilian) used the Brazilian divorce system to wait until she got a Portuguese passport (husband is half British, half Portuguese). Finally divorce came through in Dec.

I see your relationship began as an affair so you already knew he was a cheater. His affair with this woman is something you signed on for. Since you knew he was a cheater, this shouldn't be a surprise to you. I would suggest you just accept the consequences of your actions. If you marry a cheater, he will cheat. That is not rocket science.

From your description it sounds like you have a serial cheater.

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I agree with you Melody but, you seem to imply that there is no hope, once a cheater always a cheater. Drug addicts can recover, why not cheaters? These two have children. If WH is really willing to work to save his children's family and this BW is willing to work toward creating a loving marriage, there must be some way they can be successful.

We didn't have an affair. I met him after he split up from his ex wife and we were just friends for 6 months before anything happened.

We didn't have an affair. I met him after he split up from his ex wife and we were just friends for 6 months before anything happened. I was heartbroken from a previous relationship so we supported each other. Saying that though, he did cheat with 2 other people whilst with her (ex wife) and he has cheated with every other girlfriend so I was waiting for it to be my turn. If you think about it, he's not only cheated on me this time, but he's also cheated on this new lover as he and I have been having the best sex ever.

I've read through your original question and the responses you've received, and almost to a responder, they are warning you about what happens to relationship that originated as an affair. I have counseled hundreds of these couples and am presently counseling couples that married after an affair, and I can tell you from first-hand experience, and their own unsolicited comments, that if they had put the same effort into their marriages, they would be happily married to their original spouses today.

While it's true that there are happy marriages that start as affairs, they are in the minority. Only about 5% of all affairs end in marriage, and only about 1/3 of those marriages survive the first five years. You probably have one chance in 100 of turning this marriage into a successful relationship, and you're off to a terrible start in spite of your love and commitment.

I have a theory about why marriage after an affair is so unsuccessful, but the fact that they're unsuccessful is well documented. My main contention is that for whatever reasons, those who have affairs tend not to follow one of my cardinal principles for marriage: The Policy of Joint Agreement (never do anything without an enthusiastic agreement between you and your spouse). They tend to do what they please without considering each other's feelings. While that may not apply to both members of the relationship, it almost always applies to at least one of them. Your friend's affair with another man in the beginning your your relationship is evidence that she's not thinking about your interests.

I try very hard to keep these marriages together, in spite of the fact that there is such a low probability of success. If I thought I would fail, I wouldn't be wasting my time. And yet, I have had very little success. I keep thinking that I will eventually find a way to succeed.

There are so many obsticles to overcome. In addition to failure to follow the POJA, there is also a marked failure to follow the Policy of Radical Honesty. They tend to be incredibly dishonest, in spite of the fact that they start out thinking they can look right into each other's very souls.

But there is one other issue that is terribly relevant to your situation: Blended families. I read a research report recently that claimed that only 15% of all marriages with children from another relationship survive for 25 years (on average about 50% of all marriages survive for 25 years). Again, from my perspective, the culprit is failure to follow the POJA. Instead of making joint decisions regarding the children, unilateral decisions are made. This ultimately leads to fights and constant turmoil. After the children are grown, however, the conflict does not end. In many cases, advantages continue to be given to children by the natural parent at the expense of the step-parent.

I'm sure that your counselor has been encouraging your wife to negotiate with you so that you can reach a joint agreements regarding her children, but to no avail. And I've experienced the same thing. In spite of a blended family couple's willingness to follow the POJA when I talk to them, when it comes to a decision that will affect the welfare of their children, the commitment is broken.

The advice you have been receiving on the Forum focuses attention on your affair. I've written quite a bit on that topic, and many of the responders have read it. In general, I warn people to avoid an affair because if the very same problems you are facing. And if a vast amount of research and my own professional experience can be trusted, it happens to 99% of those who try to make an affair last.

While it's very unlikely that you will follow my advice because you're in love with "Jane," leaving this relationship, and restoring your relationship with your first wife is the wisest choice. But if you want to know how you can be the 1% that thrives in spite of the obsticles you face, my advice is that you both learn to follow the POJA with every decision you make, including those with the children. If those decisions are made with mutual care, you may be able to figure out how to make the rest of your relationship work.

Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.

My question is how do you know if the affair is over? He's sent her a no more contact email. Bearing in mind I have no access now to his phone (he flew back to Rio today). Are there signs I could look for? My instinct is amazing but I need proof.