I did submit a police report and file charges against him. He left before the police came. I gave them his license number.

She explained that she thinks a case like this would be heavily litigated and that a judge might think I am using an isolated case I order to simply get extremely limited visitation tand dismiss such limited visiation. Even with a restrainging order he'd have the right to oppose a move away and she thinks he might do that. If he didn't, I would file it right away. She told me to get the rrstraining order if I absolutely fear for my life and safety. However, she said that it might be more effective to ask for the mediation with her with him understanding that if he comes into direct contact with me again I will file. That was her advice. I'm not sure what to say. She came highly recommended.

I sent an email to the radio show

This doesn't appear to be logical to me. This is the first time you have separated from him and he is trying to harrass and stop that separation using violence. Not an uncommon thing. Surely the judge knows that.

The fact he didn't do it while you were together is neither here nor there. He is trying to halt your right to separate from him and protect yourself from his adultery using violence. You have proof. It would be a strange judge who thought it was OK just because it wasn't a regular weekly occurance.

Does she have much experience with hostile divorce/ adultery/ violence? I made sure mine did when I interviewed a whole bunch before settling on the one most likely to be the pitbull I needed. Mine volunteered for the local shelter and she was always two steps ahead of my husband.

I'm concerned because posters on here seem to know more than your lawyer does and we've all seen what happens with the 'play nice and hope the other party agrees with what my client wants' approach from divorce lawyers.

It usually signals that the lawyer has no earthly clue and the poster who hired them is usually led a fine dance because the wayward smells blood in the water and then starts to-ing and fro-ing with the do-I-agree, do-I-not daisy petal method of decision making. This type of lawyer usually goes forward on the 'make them a logical offer' basis without any idea the the waywards plan is to stall, stall, stall until they 'find themselves' in the fog.

I'm not saying this is definitely the case with yours. I am sure she knows law even if she does not know waywards. I am just wondering if you can meet with a couple of other highly thought of lawyers to check that this would be their game plan too within your local laws. If you google family lawyers with experience of violence you should get a good one who understands the husband's mindset is to control, not comply. Some lawyers specialise in high conflict cases.



Your IM is passing on waaaaaay too much information. The whole point of having her is so that when he gets the itch to bug you, she simply says 'no, check your letter bud' and you never even hear about him asking to bug you.

Has she read the training thread? She must be exhausted constantly passing on his every idle thought, pestering you in his stead, and you are getting battered with pointless requests.

He wants to talk about your not moving? Then he can end his affair like a big boy before he is admitted into your presence. His affair is as traumatic to you as a rape and he cannot plausibly be expected to discuss anything with you while still in the middle of your rape.

Your Im should simply be saying 'no'. She is a spam filter who only passes on details like finances and when he cant make a visitiation.

I don't understand why she was communicating with him when he wouldn't pass your daughter on to your mother. He has been told when to drop her off and to whom. Where you are is none of his business. Once he has dropped her off you are the one responsible for her care and decides who watches her.

Your IM should simply be communicating by email and not getting back to him straight away. So if he can't make a visitation for example, he needs to give something like 48/24 hours notice.

She shouldn't be so available to him. She is there for you, not him.

When I used to IM for people, I would check my emails once a day. I have a life and so does the BW. The fact that the WH's head is exploding at the thought he cannot make his wife dance to his tune every minute of the day is not my concern. Nor hers.

When I initially started checking my emails I would see like five to ten of them had collated in the space of a day. Typically ranting, wanting to know why they couldn't speak to their wife 'How can we work this out without discussing it?' or 'Why won't you let me speak to my wife?'

It was precious. Just a week earlier they had told their wives they hated them and had no desire to talk to them 'except for the kids'. Now they had their expressed wish. Time with the kids and no wife but they are never happy with that. They were bluffing.

I just said 'No, BW tells me she explained there will be no contact in your letter'. 'I am just here to pass on messages regarding visitiation and finances' 'I don't see anything in this message I can pass on to BW' 'Let me know if you need to pass on messages regarding visitation and finance'.

Once they saw I was only responding to them once a day they gave up. They couldn't harrass me so they couldn't harrass her.

See how that works? she wil burn out if she passes on all this stuff. He will purposefully do that.

However if she gets in the habit of just checking and saying no once a day, she will find it ends up being just a weekly no or a monthly no after a while.

I've told her to pass on less stuff. She has agreed. My lawyer sent the letter. I've had some other bad stuff happen todsy (got laid off), so I am having a hard time. I just want all of this to end.

Wow. I can't imagine having to deal with that in addition to all of the rest of this. Praying for you.

Please do. I have let my life be hurt by this for far too long. It is time to choose lasting change, including getting rid of the conditions that have allowed my husband to hurt me for so long.

Hi guys, I wanted to ask you all about healing resources. I'm in Plan B, but I still feel like I am in Plan C because of the struggle to move as well as getting laid off. It's all making me want to go straight to Plan D in order to just get some relief.

You all were right. He is now dragging his feet on the move and saying I lied to the police. My lawyer is meeting with him this week. Ugh.

My other option is just to file for divorce here and get it over with. At this point, it's a very tempting option.

My mother negotiated with my husband (unauthorized) to allow him to stay "in his affair" for 6 months while I moved (ie. my daughter and I would move and not do anything for 6 months in the way of divorce in exchange for letting us move). She told him I would still not talk to him during this time. She said he seemed to agree and said he would talk to the lawyer.

I was semi-livid in the way she phrased it (i.e. continue f-ing around) but it does get us the heck out of here, which is good in the long run. Any thoughts?

Also, I hate how much she talks to him and tells me.

I am sorry for being behind- I've been really sick.

You already have divorce filed right???

I don't understand your lawyers logic. When you walk into a RO court, you show them your journal that you have caught your husband in an affair- he wigged out- then already had one incident (that you have your mother sign an affidavit on for 1st angry outburst). He was becoming so scary that you asked for him not to contact you because of the affair etc- then the next incident happened where the police report was filed.

Restraining order courts you can introduce all kinds of evidence- it doesn't fall under the same - evidence to convict.... Just enough to give the judge what's considered "reasonable" evidence that he has flipped & is now dangerous. An affair plus all this would easily grant you a RO.

You need to call the local woman's shelter. You have the golden ticket of a police report where they can offer you all their services. Please DO not let this pass you up!!! They have awesome pit bull lawyers you should be talking too. Please please at least do this.

All this trying to negotiate with the alien wayward is gonna bite you hard. Sorry, I see no other way. If you sign ANYTHING saying you agree to 6 months if you move blah blah, he then has grounds to say you don't really believe he is dangerous as you are willing to negotiate. (Please ask me how I know this . )

Again, I just think- go see abuse shelter... You don't have all the facts and making huge decisions without all the info is a bad idea. You might have to file divorce for you & your little girls protection. No path out of this ditch is easy - sorry!

Plan D does not help with healing. The only thing that helps is NC and self care.

You need to walk away if your mother so much as sounds the first syllable of his name. Have your IM remind him that only she and your lawyer can pass on messages. No family members will be allowed to discuss you. Legally you will have to force everything through. It's not possible to negotiate with waywards. I would interview a few lawyers as to their ideas for achieving that.

Have you heard back?

Yep - that's why there's not really such a thing as "Plan D." It's a term the forum invented, not one of Dr. Harley's terms. If you want to divorce, you want to Plan B so that you will heal.

Sometimes posters here indicate that they believe that Plan B is a plan to save the marriage and that if you don't want to save the marriage any more you should divorce but not Plan B. That is a complete misunderstanding of what Plan B does. Plan B is your only hope for healing even if you do not want to be married any more. Usually these misunderstandings are posted by people who never listened much and never followed the Marriage Builders plans very well. They had angry outbursts for weeks and called it "Plan A." Then they tried to ignore their spouse for weeks while still having contact and called it "Plan B." None of this worked and then they lose their desire to stay married and call it "Plan D." None of that is Marriage Builders, so it's not very surprising that those approaches usually don't lead to healing.

Thanks Markos for the clarification.

I do think I find myself in the latter category. I plan "A"ed OK of the allotted time period, but then I let it go on for so long that I had many angry outbursts. I ruined our almost reconciliation with an angry outburst. I just didn't believe him at all. My plan "B" has been better, but still not perfect.

It has affected me really negatively. My physical and emotional health are really bad now, although with a pretty tight plan B, they are recovering slowly (accept for my mom talking to him all the time, which she has agreed not to). I think I am still on an emotional roller-coaster and I need to get more stable before anything can really be sorted out.

But yes, I have agreed not to talk about him with others, including my mother (who has agreed not to talk to him beyond the business of passing off my daughter).

It's getting tighter everyday and I am learning to deal with my anger a lot better. Thanks guys.

I think your Plan B has been very good. Yes it's been broken, but you are consistent about sealing up gaps when they appear.

As for your Plan A being somewhat shaky, I don't see it as being really an issue. It's far less important for women than men anyway. I think the main problem with it is it has hurt you more than necessary, but since you are healing now, regrets are pointless.

I am extremely emotional and sensitive in general and apparently was quite in love with my husband, while he was not in love with me very much. I also have very strong views about marriage and have felt VERY hurt about being discarded so easily. Like a lot of people, the narrative of our relationship was very "special" and had a very "meant-to-be" vibe. Confronting that fantasy and realizing that its basically not true, has been hard. We should have been meeting each other's needs better.

I think I am also having physical withdrawal symptoms combined with depression, which makes things difficult. I am hoping after the next week or two, things will get better.

But the good news is that if I need to stay here for a while and fight to move (which I probably will), I got a job interview already. Yeay me!

Great news!

Yeah the fantasy bust up is hard, but it's good. Soon you will roll your eyes at people who say stuff like that and will begin to notice the difference between people who see love as a magic lotto ticket to be spent with less understanding than it took to earn it ; and people who understand how to care for love and make it grow like a tiny seedling. With just as much awe in its magic but with thorough understanding of how to make it and keep it.

So here is something interesting--I am living with a non-recovered wayward: my mom!

It is driving me nuts. She is defensive, exaggerates, lies and turns things around on me constantly.

She even implied that she understands why my husband cheated on me. Lovely! At times, this is only slightly better than living with me husband.

So my lawyer gave him three options today:

1) Meet my criteria for reconciliation and move with us. I will not file for divorce in this case.

2) Let my daughter and I move. I will stay dark, but will not file for divorce for 6 months (I have to wait this long anyway to file if moving counties).

3) If I am forced to stay here, I will file for divorce and he will owe me child and spousal support. I will also file a move-away petition in the court to try to get the move away anyway.

So his options for staying in the affair unchecked are not good. Number 2 is pretty much his best option at this point if he wants to stay in his affair, but he loses his daughter.