What do you call it when you are not saying it?

For me to tell her that hurt me is fine, but here on this page what other term can I use other than selfish so that you do not feel I am disrespecting my DD. I just do not know of any other term to use.

My goodness I do not want her to be with the exBF, she can date whoever she wants, I want her to not "get her way while hurting others"

I am not trying to be disrespectful to anyone much less my DD. I do not know what else to say to make you understand that I use the word selfish because my definition of the word selfish is "to hurt others to get your way".

And my DD is certainly that way.

It doesn't matter what your definition is. It is still disrespectful.

I used to call markos a [censored]. My definition of a [censored] was "a man who hurts his wife." That didn't make calling him a [censored] any less disrespectful.

What else are they? I do not know how else to state it. She doesn't just do what is best for herself if that were the case this post would never have never existed, she is the hurting people kind. So whatever that is is what she is.

What term would you like me to usse that is not disrespectful.

She does what she wants when she wants and it does not matter who she hurts in the process. What would you call that?

Whats wrong with simply calling it a decision that has hurt someone? why seek to slap a permanent label on her?

Better yet, I would say the people in your daughter's life decide to be hurt.

Truly, though, I think your daughters' main issue is that she is surrounded by people who give her things, freely on offer, and she is then blamed when she takes it.

That's because you all have unspoken agendas under the masquerade of unconditional love.

You give her a home, and advice, regardless of how she behaves. The massage is clear; this is your home unconditionally. No matter how nuts you drive us all.

Then it is somehow a problem when her behaviour is offensive or 'selfish'. So it is not really unconditional at all. There is a hidden condition.

Her boyfriend has long been in a habit in which he meets her needs and shares her expenses. Without the condition of a formal commitment. Then suddenly it is an issue when she starts acting uncommitted. And he still unconditionally meets her needs!!!

Your eldest DD gives time and effort into a relationship with her sister. In spite of the fact it is frequently unrewarding. Blatantly disregarding herself, she is in tears constantly, when she should be taking care of herSELF instead of her sister.

We are all responsible for ourSELVES. For getting the best deal on offer. if the person on the other end of the deal is giving it away for free then perhaps they should take better care of themselves instead of blaming the recipient.

This may be called selfish but it is very responsible to care for yourself instead of expecting others to do it!

Dr Harley says people with an overactive giver should view themselves as store owners. Sure they want happy, smiling customers leaving the store with the goods they want. They want to be cleared out. But they are not giving it away for free!! They also want full cash registers.

Your store is your home and your advice. What you want in the cash register is a daughter in a happy, equal relationship with your future son-in-law, daughters who respect each other and for her decisions to be made with others in mind.

If you are willing to give away your goods without getting those hings in your cash register - that's on you. That is your decision. That tells your daughter you are happy with the transaction between you two - and if she is happy too (why wouldn't she be?) then nothing need change.

That's because actions are far more powerful than words. If you SAY to your daughter she needs to take others into account, she will naturally look to her own cash register and not find anything wanting.

A pragmatist who is really very responsible for herself and welfare, she will conclude you are just paying lip service to an ideal and there is no need to make real changes. You haven't, after all.

However if you SHOWED her the door, she would begin a process of discovering what she needs to survive without your shelter and advice and needs meeting. She may need to fail a few times before she discovers what it is. Maybe not accept her home again the very first time she fails again.

What's the betting that she will discover a man who neither gives in to her, or takes from her, is the best survivor to help?

She is already quite a survivor herself.

Be aware that I am not telling you to kick her out if you don't want to - If YOU are happy with the relationship and her reactions to life decisions while she is there, then it serves YOU - your SELF -well.

However your plan seems to be to make HER responsible for your happiness and it is selfish if she does not accept your world view.

I guess that I am done then and will just tell my DD to get the hell out and do whatever you want whenever you want no matter what but don't ever ask me for help again, see you have a good life.

Of course she can ask you for help, but only give it when you are enthusiastically happy with all circumstances.

Instead of helping because you feel you should not be selfish. Or expecting her motivations to be so.

My DD is hurtful in her ways and I would not tell her or anyone else to do what they want when they want no matter what.

My lesson has always been do unto others as you would have them do unto you.

What about writing Dr. Harley?

I think you should continue what you've been doing. Continue talking to and about your daughter the way you have. Continue to enable her. Don't change anything.

Is that what you want to hear?

You would have other people treat you like a 5 year old?

My helping is my taker so if anything that is my selfish side and I do not want her to have the same views or opinions as me nor do I expect anything in return. I want her to not be a mean, nasty, rude person, who thinks she should always get her way on everything like a little kid would.

Such as checking with someone else before you just turn the TV or waiting until someone else's laundry is finished before you take it out and put yours in, or telling ANYONE that their opinion is "stupid" because it is not the same as hers, or making sure everyone has eaten dinner before you take the rest of the food, or getting a horrible attitude and being nasty because you are cooking a dinner she does not like, or etc, etc, etc

If she never sees that her actions offend people she will never change and may be a lonely old person

Actually you should worry less about her and more about submissive DD. Assertive kids survive, submissive kids often land up at the bottom of the heap. It is too easy to exploit them. My gentle middle child learned to be aggressive to prevent herself being trampled on by her very dominant younger sibling.

You are perfectly within your rights to tell her not to do any of the above. Telling someone they are stupid is not permitted. You should all call her out on it. Calmly say that she is being disrespectful every time she makes a statement like that and then get up and leave the room.

On the dinner, laundry and tv, just smile and say that you look forward to being invited to her house but in the meantime she is a guest in yours and you expect appropriate behavior from her. If she cannot behave appropriately she will have to leave. This should be followed up by action.

ALL things that would not be a problem if she did not live with you.

I actually do call her out on her disrespectfullness and my DH does too but we are the only two that do at our house anyway I do not know about at work if people call her out or not. Maybe if she got treated the way she treated others ALL the time she would see but if most people let her get away with it then I guess she doesn't stand a chance of seeing it.

I do worry about the "conflict avoider" DD too because she does tend to let others take advantage of her way too much.

And I cannot wait until she gets her a place of her own again, I am going to go over there and do all the things she has done to me at my house .

Really I do eventually want her to leave but her plans were to be there with the exBF for at least another 5 months so I have to let her be there that long for sure and since she no longer has the exBF she is going to have to find a roommate, she will not live alone due to her siezure disorder, it scares her to be alone.

That is why I will not just throw her out and who knows what will happen between now and then but I still really would like to find something to help her.

You mean, the way you think her ideas are stupid?

They wouldn't be a problem for me, but they would still be a problem for her so if my child has a problem then I have a problem.