Something new to add, My ExW of my son 10, has seen that my W is pregnant, and knows that i had a vasectomy, she calls me today and asks me what i am telling my S10... i tell her it is none of her business. She has no idea if i had a reversal, or my W got pregnant by me some other "magical" way, lol
This is not something you discuss with a 10 year old in my opinion.
My ExW tells me she will tell my S10 the "truth". Cant stop her from saying what she wants, but there is no need for my son to think of the baby on the way as anything else but his sibling.

DAzed, this is not about hypocrisy so your words are very inappropriate. Folks want to help you here, but not when the conditions are unrealistic. We have helped thousands of people save their marriages over the years and while I hope yours works out, hope is not a plan. It will take a real plan.

And forgiveness is not appropriate in this case. It is not in your best interest or your wife's interest and will harm your chances of recovery. Read Dr Harley's reasoning here:

Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?

Good - that's the only way this can work.


No, for life.

This is how couples who have a good marriage live. They are so closely integrated that it would be impossible for them to have an affair without the other's knowledge. It turns out that the things you do to prevent an affair are also the things that lead to a happy marriage.

, not from a control viewpoint, but to help us be accountable to each other.
We are trying to save our M, we both want to, it is tough for me to follow this path, but this is what i want to do, and what i have chosen to do after seeking many counsel, from so many places and people. i am not doing this to be popular, i am doing this because it is what feels right in my heart. I do not and will not abandon someone for making mistakes in life when they ask and truly want forgiveness. I would be the first with sin to cast a stone, i have needed forgiveness many times in my life and god has afforded me those chances.
I do not see the need for DNA testing, I know most likely it is not mine, but I will raise the baby as my own. I also dont want any reason for contact with the OM. If there is some court order in the future fine, but at this point i dont see a need, I need to work on our M our D20, S10, and D7 and our family. We had a great Thanksgiving, putting up the tree, and we are doing better than we have in so very long. We talk on a regular basis on the things we need to keep doing, the potential pitfalls, and how to make our M a better one. [/quote]

It always worries me here when I see someone acting very dramatic.

Dazed, you don't have to convince us that this is the right path. Most of us wouldn't choose that path and are not interested in being persuaded of it, so there's no sense going on about it.

What we will do is tell you when you or your wife are making a choice that will lead to failure.

I don't understand why you take calls from your ex-wife.

I took the text and spoke with her because it is regarding my son.... and his mental health. This can mess with a kids head, I was concerned after the interaction at my grandsons baptism.
She did have a talk with him and told him that the baby was not mine and I am not the father. (again he is 10) He seemed distant this morning while driving him to school, i asked him if something was bothering him. He said his mom had told him that.. I was floored!
I was hoping for some advice on how to handle the situation with my son.
Told the kids last night it was a boy on the way.

What about emailing Dr. Harley?

I want to address the issue of your ex wife telling your 10 year old son that you are not the father of the unborn baby your wife is now pregnant with.
Dr Harley encourages affairs to be exposed to children.
Did you expose your wifes affair to your son?
If not, you are trying to protect him from reality. Do you intend to lie to your son?
I agree that you should email Dr Harley for guidAnce.

Oh what tangled webs we weave when first we practice the act to deceive.

Does my 10 year old need to be exposed? Yes and No. I dont want to put that on him quite yet, I dont lie, ever, to anyone, but I will hold it until they can handle it. I am most likely going against every piece of advice you can all give me.
I cant stop myself to help someone in need. My W needs a warm bed, hot meals, stress free, she needs baby stuff, I want the innocent child to be born healthy and provided for, I thankfully can do that.
I know I put myself last, I put my sons and my step daughters needs in front of mine. I know it is all a facade at the moment, the house of cards will come down sooner or later. I have my lawyer involved, things at the ready, this is a hill to walk down, not run.If it were not for me, I don't know who my W would have. She is not mentally ok, I am just trying to do the right thing, they all seem to have their pit falls. I am helping someone in need.
So, to recap, she is living here in my house, I am being a good supportive man, she thinks it will all work out, she hopes, I know it wont. I plan my exit every day.
I will continue to be here, to be with her when she needs someone. I will get a divorce, I will not sign anything, it will be shortly after the baby is born, my state lets me dis prove paternity. I would think end of summer.
I am not in for any of it, not being with someone who cheated and lied. I will not put what I want away for that, I would sacrifice for a true companion, but there is no hope here, not from me.
Life is tough, tough choices, humanitarian, and self preservation. I have so much more positive things in the next 20+ years, I will not sideline it all again.
This has all been a process, I had just hoped for a bit of a better bedside manner.

"but I will hold it until they can handle it"

I understand there are considerations with children in telling them something that is potentially harmful to them, but in general, this IS lying. To withhold the truth is to lie, even if you have noble intentions.

Lying can be both a sin of commission and a sin of omission. You can lie by not saying something true just as much as by saying something false. A half truth is a lie.

Just wanted to point that out. It's incredibly hurtful to be the person from which the truth was withheld.

Did you create a new user account?

Thank goodness your ex wife has the sense not to a lie to the poor child. He will have seen very disturbing things and should be encouraged to talk about them, not be hushed up.

So when her back was against the wall she admitted to one night stands. You don't find that convenient?

No one is saying she can't rise above this but not while you are spoonfeeding her and lying for her like her Daddy.