LTL is exactly right. The goal is not to stop doing things, but to start doing things you both love. Here is an example:

I hate Chinese food and my H hates Mexican. I love Mexican and he loves Chinese. So I make a compromise with him that he endures Mexican and as an "incentive" I will go suffer through Chinese with him.

Lets say we practice a "compromise" and we go for Mexican one night and Chinese the next night. That means that I will be unhappy on one night and he will be unhappy the next because we are each gaining at the others EXPENSE for one night.

This is called sacrifice. And it leads to incompatibility and resentment. It leads to incompatibility because people won't do things that make themselves unhappy for long. I might go for Chinese 3 or 4 times and tolerate that nasty food, but pretty soon I will be finding reasons to AVOID going out to eat and he will be resentful, because people who practice sacrifice KEEP SCORE. He will be mad because I "OWE" him a Chinese night to pay for his Mexican night.

The solution recommended by Marriage Builders avoids all that. Instead of going to ANY restaurant that one spouse doesn't like, the solution is to find a restaurant that BOTH LOVE. Mexican and Chinese are completely OFF our lists. In it's place is a list of restaurants we both like. This solution builds compatibility because it ensures we are BOTH happy and no one sacrifices at the others expense.

I think you're right. Though in this case I had said "Let's find something we both want to do" a few times earlier. Which he essentially ignored by repeating "I said I'd do it. I'll do it for you." (as in go to the event he didn't want to attend, not as in find something we both wanted to do) every time I said that.

But also when I have tried to apply the MB principles in the past a little voice in my head has told me that I was quickly escalating from politely stating a request to making a selfish demand.

Did you show him my example about Chinese versus Mexican food? He obviously doesn't understand the principle behind POJA but if you show him that, he might get it. My H was resistant too until he really understood the logic of the program.

Yes... We are both very comfortable with bad habits. Emotionally I am afraid that he (or any man) is not willing to be bothered to put the "buyer" type effort into a relationship with me. I actually feel panicked when I think of not making someone else happy, especially my man. I even feel it physically.

But my LOGICAL brain tells me that if we were both buyers in this relationship he would actually be happier, love and respect me more, and feel a lot better about himself too. My logical brain also tells me that he does love me. He does want our marriage to be good.

But of course he does not like to have the boat rocked when the status quo has been me pleasantly doing whatever he wants at the expense of what I want.

My emotions will follow... My emotions will follow...!