markos,

I can't tell you how much your words mean to me right now. Thank you.

It was a support group. My situation was a lot better than everyone else in the group, I felt almost embarrassed to be there.

Thank you, Brainhurts.

Tears...Think I'm so used to being the "shield" for my kids that I forgot that I also have a right to happiness.

New way of thinking for me. Feel scared but don't want to be immobilized by fear (which is how I feel right now, tbh)

black raven,

I am holding on to your words like a rope in water right now. I have no money at all. He makes 100% of the income. Won't I be financially devastated? (he has told me I would be and that my children's college would be compromised and they are great students. this has prevented me from moving forward with divorce until they move out..)

black raven,

He is downstairs (I am upstairs in our bedroom). I believe he is feeling bad for himself right now (is that a DJ? I'm saying that because he almost always feels bad when I am not 100% acting like I feel great about him)

Divorce does change your lifestyle but your H is using that as emotional blackmail. No one is going to live in a box or a van by the river.

And I agree with markos about your new business. Running your own business it stressful, time consuming, and no benefits...on top of possibly little or no profit. Do you work from home?

Well this is a sign of more to come. So far he's been all talk and no action...but you know that.

It's late here, Gracie. I am logging off but will ck back tomorrow. Please try to get some rest yourself.

[/quote]

Divorce does change your lifestyle but your H is using that as emotional blackmail. No one is going to live in a box or a van by the river.

And I agree with markos about your new business. Running your own business it stressful, time consuming, and no benefits...on top of possibly little or no profit. Do you work from home? [/quote]

Yes, I work from home. I also am taking classes (online). What I do requires me to self start (trying to stay anonymous but general category is therapy). I don't have the credentials to work in an office setting outside the home yet. Working on that with the classes now.

Not getting the quote feature here. Am I supposed to click "quick quote"??

You are absolutely right, black raven about "all talk, no action". That's it in a nutshell

He gets highly motivated to change but it doesn't last long...He get's upset and sometimes angry if I don't "flip a switch" and start acting happy to see him, etc. when I'm not. He has never gone more than maybe a week of being consistent.

I'm feeling out of hope right now.

Will be in and out today so if I don't answer I will later

Yes, you need to get out soon, so you need a more reliable and less risky form of income. You can work on creating and growing businesses later on. And you'll feel much better about life and be more able to do such things then, too.

I wouldn't worry about your self esteem right now - I would just worry about getting out.

Have you read the when to call it quits articles and the how to plan B correctly thread?

The quote is messed up because there is a "/" in the first quote box. The backslash should only be in the last quote box. Does you see what I mean? You probably can't edit the quote now though...there is a time limit to edit. Don't worry about it.

You need to ask them directly for what you need: "I need to separate from my husband, and I need help getting legal support and creating a way to support myself and my children on my own, and I need help separating as soon as possible. I need help making and executing a plan."

There are two things to be done about that:
1. you need to make sure you get legal help to do everything possible to require him to support you and the children during the separation
2. you need to do everything possible to get your own income

Understood. My ex was like this.

Is he at work now? Did he say anything to you about MB last night or this morning?

I'm sure he does feel bad, but any time he wants he's got the instructions right here on how to make everything better.

Feelings don't control behavior - feelings follow actions.

[Quote] I can control my side of the street. I just don't know how I can control his [quote]

Gracie,

This quote you made above is seriously a big cause of your personal pain and suffering. As you have learned you can only take care of your own side of the fence. You can not even consider controlling your husband's side as you slip and mention here. It seems you get it intelligently but not yet in your heart.

You are at a crossroads now. You are at the very difficult point we all come to where YOU are in the position to choose the DIVINE or stay 'hooked'on a lifestyle that is bleeding you dry. I appreciate where you are at and the difficult choices.

Dr Harleys program and plan is not particularly religious but it acknowledges we are spiritual far beyond everything else in this life and will always be better off if we choose our own divine path.

Thank you everyone. I know I need to make income, Marcos. I will put more effort into that while I finish my courses.

Hope didn't say anything to me Black Raven. I don't think he was even on mbuilders last night.

graceful: yes, I know i am at a crossroads. I appreciate that, thank you. I have been thinking along similar lines. And btw, I'm all about our spiritual nature

Although I have some very real issues with Hope's behavior I realized that "yes, I do love him". I guess I didn't realize it before but I do feel it now for some reason.

If Hope does decided that he wants to continue doing marriagebuilders (if he DOES follow through this time - people can change, not saying he WILL, just asking the question), would there be any hope for this marriage?

Just throwing that ^ out there because I think some of Hope's issue have to do with ironically feeling that there is no hope. I have told him that I "want out". But if he completely changed his behavior (i.e. DID actually consistently follow this program), I would reconsider. But is he too far gone you think for this to even help?

Of course there is hope if Hope gets with the program but he hasn't Gracie. You can give Recovery a try but given that he was here proclaiming how he wants to save your marriage and asking for advice only to disappear to go sulk or watch TV...well that is not a good sign. He should have a rocket up his butt if he is serious.

Throwing pity parties and whining is going to make Recovery impossible. He should be coming to you hat in hand, not pouting.

Marriage Builders can always work, but only if he will decide to start following it. In the meantime, you should plan for him not following it, and not try to get him to follow it. It won't work if you have to drag him to it.


He can follow this plan regardless of how he feels, and it will work regardless of how he feels, and it will change his feelings.

The business about not feeling hope is a smokescreen to avoid doing something he doesn't want to do.

It is not up to you to give him hope. This plan would fill him with a lot of hope if he would actually learn it - but he doesn't know anything about this plan, and is just hoping your emotions will eventually subside and be temporary. He's got a lot of hope that you will let up and not insist that he follow this plan and fix the problems that are killing you.

It's not your job to give him hope. If you have to drag him along emotionally this is never going to work. It will only work if he resolves that he wants to pursue and keep you no matter what.