Can you sit down each week and schedule your UA time, in 4 hour blocks on 4 different days?

Yes, but 2 hour blocks during the week and 4 hours on the weekend would be more ideal due to work and kids activities.

So can you write out an example schedule, for us, of what it would look like?

I see that you have 7 kids. Do you have any suggestions on how to structure time and not neglect the children? My husband is works from home, I usually get home around 6:30pm. Prepare dinner, help with homework, etc. The youngest two(9y & 4y)-bedtime is at 8:30pm. The oldest two(13y & 16y)-bedtime 10pm. Ideally the 16yr old could take care of the others while we were out(Note: He has only done this 5 or less times). On Saturdays we have kids sports until noon. Sundays church from 10:30-12:30 and my husband goes to watch the games(basketball,football,etc) every Sunday around 1pm-5pm sometimes later(ideally I would ask that he stop doing this and use that time for us)

So 3 days week 7pm-10pm(I know its late) and on weekends 4 hours on saturday and Sunday(him and I will have to agree to the times)

Do the two older kids help with dinner? Do all the kids help clean up?

Yes your H would need to put your marriage above watching the games. That 1-5PM slot is a perfect opportunity for you and your H to have a date. Also, since your kids are older babysitting will be taken care of amongst them.

Sit down with your H and come up with a weekly schedule. Can you do that?

Also, 5 of our 7 kids are out of the house. We only have 2 17yo at home.

Please read this.
The Critical Importance of Undivided Attention

I understand the importance of UA, frankly to be honest, I'm not interested in UA under the current circumstances. I'm working the program but my H continues with his lovebusters. The incident I described is just the tip of the iceburg. I have been plan A almost our entire relationship before I even knew what it was and I'm exhausted. I want my marriage to work but I don't know how much longer I can take how selfish my husband is. How he sabatoges our relationship.

And to answer your question brainhurts, yes our kids have chores. I'm the main cooker but they will cook if I ask. They clean up after dinner etc. My daughter is, an excellent cook who loves to try new things.

To add, I don't know how to get through to him, everything he complains about, I do(fix), even if I don't understand. I do my best to meet his EN but he doesn't do the same for me. I've bought the books, filled out the surveys but he just doesn't get it! He reads but it just doesn't click in! I'm working on me, but it seems one sided. I'm not perfect, but I'm trying. I just need him to try.Everytime our relationship is good, he sabotages it by doing something that hurts me. I can't explain it but its like he fears being close to me. I don't know how to fix that, I focus on fixing me, but that backfires also! I give him what he wants (fixing things he complains about) but it seems he gets angry that i'm complying. Its all so confusing! Ex: He complains I don't clean enough, I clean the house spotless, for instance I scrub the floors, in the middle of scrubbing the floors, he tells me lay down, ill clean the floors, aggressively insisting I stop doing what he has asked , taking the brush from me when previously he has complained "the grout is dirty, you need to do a better job of mopping cleaning the floor. Its driving me crazy and making me "hate" him. I'm so confused.I'm giving him what he asks but he always finds a way to reject the very thing that he asked me to do!

I remember that UA with a difficult partner was hard to do for long. Have you read the When to Call It Quits articles? Another thing that UA time with a difficult partner does is help you get ready for Plan B that much more quickly! And it shows your kids that you didn't just throw in the towel without giving it your best shot. It's not good for kids to live for an extended time in the environment you describe. You all will have a drastic change to have a lot more peace soon, with or without your DH participating. What do you think?

Thank you. I read the articles. I am having difficulty with UA right now, I really do not want to be around him. Do I just suck it up and "fake it,until you make it"? This week has been an exhausting week. He is making little to no effort in making changes. He has not implemented anything that our Pastor has suggested. I gently brought this up on Tuesday and of course he promised me, We will read Love buster's together before bed and he would take me out Thursday night(UA time). Tuesday night he said he was putting our toddler to bed and would be back down to read together, he never came back down, after about an hour I went up and he was asleep,Im disappointed. I ask him what happened the next day and he says I should have woke him up. This really upset me because he always makes me responsible for his lack of effort or his mistakes.

Then yesterday he went and bought furniture for two of our children's rooms without consulting me or allowing me to have any input on what type, color, etc. I just received a text with pictures of the new furniture saying that he bought it. I can admit I was sarcastic and texted him back "I would think that I would get some input on furniture that is going in OUR house. Whatever, Im just an after thought as usual". I admit it could have been a better way to communicate my frustration but I have asked him time and time again to not make decisions regarding our family without including me. Of course he gets pissed and blames me saying he asked me on Sunday to go and I said "no"(which did not happen at all), then he says he is sorry, but I set him up for failure. That he had mentioned he was looking at furniture on Sunday and if I wanted to go, I should have said something. That he wil ask for a refund and I can just go buy the furniture. He just doesnt get it!

So before bed he tells me again, Im going to put our son down and we can read Love Busters. Guess what, he does the same thing as the previous night, goes up, never comes back down. I go check and he is asleep. Now its Thursday and we are suppose to go out on a date. Why in the heck would I want to go on a date with him? If I say "No" then he will say "He can't win for losing". I can't win. He does things to frustrate me all week then Im the bad guy for not wanting to go on a date.

Am I just suppose to suck it up and go anyway even though Im so frustrated with him right now?

Does your H know about MB?

Have you written Dr Harley?

You are confusing concepts. UA time is supposed to be mutually enjoyable. It doesn't count if it isn't. So, how can mutually enjoyable time together prepare you for Plan B? It can't.

Failure to have sufficient UA time can cause you to end up in Plan B someday, but the idea that putting in UA time somehow expedites Plan B is just plain wrong.

Don't confuse real UA time with just spending time together.

He does not know about the site. He has read "His Needs, Her needs" as our pastor recommended during premarital counseling. I am trying to get him to read Love Busters currently and we have the workbook. I have not told him about the site because frankly I do not want him to know that I have methods to spy on him in the event I may need to again.

I have not written Dr. Harley but I can.

Good, don't tell him about the site especially when you're spying.

It's always a good sign to write Dr. Harley.

Email your questions to Joyce Harley at mbradio@marriagebuilders.com. When your email question is chosen to be answered on the radio show, you will be notified by email directing you to listen to the rebroadcast. If you would like to consider being a caller, include your telephone number. You will be called by us to explain the procedure to you. Every caller will receive a complementary book by Dr. Harley that addresses their question.

Couple of things:

His falling asleep instead of coming to keep you company......

That's what happens at home, it's why Dr H insists you go out for four hour blocks four hours a week. It should be fun, you should be dressed for it, you should be alert and awake. It should not be used for relationship talk. UA time is more than just being around each other.

There will always be distractions at home. You can move the TV all you like, but it is still a place where you've been raising children all day, you don't feel your best, you feel sleepy and you aren't having a great time necessarily. Those aren't the circumstances you fell in love under.

Not wanting to date him....

UA time at first is just as awkward as any first date - awkwarder. It will get better with 15 hours bonding time. Without that it will remain awkward.

His choosing the furniture without PoJA....

Annoying but you have bigger fish to fry. You need to learn how to implement the entire programme before you get skilled enough to make PoJA decisions together. Eliminating lovebusters comes first, so ask him to hold off on big decisions/spending until you're getting along well enough to do it.

Do you think you could sell him on this programme? You could both benefit a lot.

Dr H has written an article about people who live together with no clear idea of what commitment level they have. It leads to very short term decision making which persists when the couple marry making cohabitation a significant factor of increased divorce risk.

For example your H solves the issue of his ex, shortsightedly thinking he will deal with your objections later.

You agreed to marry him without any clear idea of what he thinks marriage entails or why he changed his mind.

This programme ensures you don't do anything until you've both thought through the long term ramifications, because this is forever.

Do keep an eye on him though. His secretiveness is a concern.

I know that you have a good poker face and that you're a hot date. I can just tell.

Why not take the opportunity to show him what he risks losing?

Play the long game!

I am trying to sale him on the program but he wont even read the book(Love Busters) with me. I think if we could at least start with removing Love busters things will greatly improve. Maybe I should use a different approach, maybe buy him a copy and let him read it on his own and then discuss later.

And I think you misunderstood what I wrote, coming back down to read the book with me was not intended to be UA time but to work on our relationship, thats why I wanted to do it at home. I'd rather not use our out of the house(UA) time to discuss relationship issues.

Well I guess I will be going out on a date tonight. I'll let you know how it goes!

Dr H says it's common for men to hate reading books which is why he has synopsis articles online, audio books and the radio show. You could listen daily together, maybe while washing up after dinner? I agree you don't want to use up UA on that stuff, but the emotional needs questionaires do count, I think. Maybe someone can clarify that for you here.



Sounds like you have your game face on!