Thanks-my concern is actually about protecting my professional standing and reputation -and therefore my ability to support myself.

Is the OW going to want to go before a judge to get a restraining order and have you tell the judge why you were there! How embarrassing for her! It will be public information in most states for everyone to see. Hmmmmm......I doubt she will want to pursue that road LOL

The best way to do that is to tell people the truth of what is going on. Many of them will provide support for you, and many will also be understanding of what's going on in your life and the effect it will have on your work.

Wenang, I am in the UK where people prefer to turn a blind eye it seems.

And in any case she would say that WH is separated and she is divorced so why should they not be in a relationship?

Marcos, I am starting to tell the appropriate people, it boils down to character judgement and it seems that WH is not as well regarded as he thinks. Not that he cares, sadly.

But ultimately, your character shows.

And in any case, a relationship built on lies cannot last.

I am prone to leaping to worse case scenario so thanks to those who have posted and provided perspective and proportionality!

Deluded

Send it in the post.



Sending someone a letter is not classified as stalking in UK law. Particularly as the letter reassures them she will not be hearing from you ever again. The exact opposite of stalking!!

I have been a reporter in the UK for 12 years and worked closely with the police. I can reassure you they have zero time for nonsense like the hurt feelings of a woman who is banging a married man.



Everybody in my newsroom knew what I was doing. I had a BW friend who was working for the police who similarly destroyed the reputation of her WH and OW who worked in the same field. She saw no reason to tiptoe around their mistake. People will take you as seriously as you demand they do.

If you think people don't already know, you ARE deluded. What they don't know is that you can face it head on, unembarrassed.



I remember thinking this once. The truth is there are a lot of people in the UK who are either married or want to be. Who value marriage and believe that separated people are NOT divorced and that they should still be working on the MARRIAGE not the MISTRESS.

Their reaction is up to them, but they will be more inclined to see it as an affair if the BW herself does! If you are silent, acting like this is the 'done thing'; they may shrug and consider you a woman who agreed to a separation and who does not care. If you dismiss it as an affair, then all those who value marriage can do so as well.

Most of them want to, but cannot without your lead.

Do NOT do a trickle exposure! Like easing into a warm bath it has zero effect on a wayward's tender parts!

Do it in 24 hours, with the aim of SHOCK and AWE. Dunk him into hot water.

Stop acting like you have something to be ashamed of woman!

Deluded,
The reason you have been here for 12 years is because you have never followed Dr. Harley's methods.
IndieGirl isn't just telling you her opinion. She is reiterating what Dr. Harley teaches.

It is too late for 100% exposure because he is out and about with OW6, has even taken her to dinners with friends.

He denies that the A started whilst he was still in the house with me "trying". Now that IS worth exposing.

Jedi_Knight, I tried to get WH to do DR Harley's method 12 years ago.He met me half way only. I agree that I should have gone into Plan B then-but I thought we were making headway as things felt better and for a while there seemed to be genuine affection and closeness.

So my question now, raised by my IM, is this: why write in the PBL that I am willing to reconcile once he finishes with OW6 and the gang if I REALLY DON"T THINK I WANT TO PUT MYSELF THROUGH THIS ANYMORE!

My copy of SAA has arrived today and I am about to sit down and read it cover to cover.

I concede that I should/could have been tougher years ago.

Deluded

If you aren't willing to reconcile, you don't need to write in that part. Make the letter respectful and relevant to your own situation, then send it.

SAA is a really terrific book that will help you survive the affairs whether or not you reconcile with your spouse.

You are confusing 'exposure' with 'people knowing'. People may know he is having an affair, but that doesn't mean they know your stance, or have the full facts.

It's true, people move out, declare themselves single and although that is patently ridiculous, people go along with it if their spouse does.

I mean really, you can't cheat just because you have moved the place where you keep your socks! Heaven help us if we all have to go away to war again one day.

Expose the fact that it is an affair and you see it as such. Don't trouble yourself on how they perceive it, the point is it is a fact. It is an affair.

The point of exposure is to find out how many people are smart and moral enough to see this fact.

I agree that you should tell people he started the affair while in your home but that's not the major factor. Even out of the home he is still torturing you with an affair.

It's an affair because he is married. He only moved out to pursue an affair.

I'm aware you have some terrible friends. But let's give them a chance.

Have you read any of the sample exposure letters? Many of them tackle the issue of separation, informing the exposure targets that the separation does not make it legitimate.

One thing I would definitely add is something like 'he is becoming more and more blatant about his affair, even trying to introduce her as a new girlfriend when in fact she has been his affair partner for some time.'

Make it clear.

Exposure won't just be about OW6....it should include the entire nightmare and all the affairs listed out specifically. Name names. Unload any and all secrets you've been keeping on his behalf. YOUR personal recovery will have the foundation of honesty under it.

OW6 will then have to deal with friends and family looking at her with pity and telling her she's "deluded" thinking she can really have a exclusive long term relationship with your husband. Let her walk around town wonder why the stranger on the streets eyes seemed to linger on her a bit longer on her judgmentally (or was it pity?)

I like that. I wonder if that would be appropriate in my situation several years after she left, or would it just be vengeful?

LTL

Vengeful schmengeful.

LTL...I doubt in your situation it'll make much sense or difference anyway. However, in Deluded's situation she's got a local newsworthy story about a local bigwig. She could get a reporter to run a story about corruption, sex and scandal at the local hospital. They eat up such gossip at the rags and the entire institution could be, by implication, involved in the scandal. Hospitals are known for this behavior. These doctors are treated like gods and if any one challenges them they are such jerks, everybody is scared to challenge them. The mantra is don't get involved or YOU will be the one leaving.

A simple little expose in the local rag titled "My life as a betrayed wife of the Local Doctor" where she names names and tells her story and THEN rebuilds her life from there. Anyone with any experience with infidelity will completely understand and come to her support. Many more will, over time, secretly confide in her and tell her how relieved they were to finally see someone speak out against the good ole nasty boy network. People who may have thought deluded was kind of a difficult woman or worse, will now understand and give her a second chance next time they see her changed and happy about town (which is what happens when you unload 190 lbs of wayward off your back).

Lastly, these Doctors do answer to a Board of Directors somewhere. Often these Boards themselves are even more full of this good old boy network behavior; however, these farts don't like this kind of attention at all and could come down hard on anyone foolish enough to bring their reputation into question. Doctors wouldn't get fired over this but they MAY tell him to get his house in order, they could suspend him or merely give him a reprimand. They just need to go home to their wives and say they did something to the philandering Doctor.

Meanwhile you get to proceed with your life no longer harboring THEIR shame as your own. You release it to the general consumption of the public and let them process it as they see fit (for example, I personally wouldn't want your husband as my doctor).

The truth shall set you free....literally.

Mr. W

PLUS...very occasionally, a wayward so exposed really "deluded" themselves about their reputation and ranking in the community and somewhere somehow the exposure and the consequences it brings from friends, family, co-workers and just maybe someone they actually respect (more than their narcissistic selves) wakes them up and they realize the only way to truly restore their reputations is by making things right and CHANGING their behavior (repentance).

It happens.

Deluded certainly hasn't been successful the last 12 years trying to change, manage and/or manipulate a change in him so it's time for her to retire. Let someone else (or God) do the work while she places herself a safe distance away in complete darkness from his toxicity.

It would certainly be interesting to see this WH coming to MB begging us for information and details about how to get his wife back or prove he's changed. It would also be nice, for once, to see this WH pursuing Deluded and sending her letters about why he wants to try, etc.

Mr. W

LTL...never mind. I got your story confused with another posters....I have no idea whether additional exposure would have impact in your situation or not.

Probably.

Though I wonder about the "vengeful" thought. Is it a fear of being perceived as vengeful or crazy for exposing things this many years later or do you really care if your wayward wife thinks you "vengeful"? Years later I wouldn't bother keeping any of her secrets regarding infidelity OR her issues with alcohol. The more people holding her accountable the better FOR HER and releasing the shame and embarrassment of being that betrayed guy who tried to hold it all together and a big secret (trying to protect them) helps you. When you talk about your struggles openly and unashamedly...people feel connected to you more intimately. You will find yourself surrounded by friends that share your struggles or have struggles of their own. God wants us to live in community with others and sharing our stories is one way we do that.

It's YOUR story....YOU matter too.

Mr. W

Update:

I am still not in Plan B because there are some signatures etc that I need to get from WH re setting up a separate bank account for our investment houses.

Meanwhile, WH has texted and told me he is no longer seeing anyone, including OW6.

I met with him on Sunday evening after increasingly feeling that I needed to tell him face to face that I don't think he is serious about trying.

He told me he has told OW6 about us trying(!) and that she has backed away, saying that she doesn't want to influence the situation. He says no self-respecting woman would hang around.

However a friend has just told me that she saw (who she thinks is)OW6 leaving WH's house that very morning.

So more lies, but no I am not surprised, though a bit surprised as to why he would tell me he has finished with her.

I tried blocking his phone number but imessages are still getting through.

There is a clear pattern here that when WH thinks I am pulling away-such as after our talk on Sunday night when we both agreed it looked all too difficult-that is when he starts phoning and texting again. Then , when he thinks he's hooked me back in, he goes silent again.

I know I need to go into a dark PB asap.

I had a long talk with a GF this morning-the one who told me about OW6. She has "broken up" with me, saying she can't support me because I am too needy. This is because I have told her several times, and it causes deep tension between us, that by taking a neutral stance, and attributing qualities to WH which are simply not there( eg , OW6 is still seeing him because he can't decide between us, because he had started to move on) She has expressed no shock or revulsion for any of his behaviour. Including him bringing OW3 into our home and having sex with her whilst the DDs and I were asleep upstairs. I simply can't believe that she can't bring herself to get off the fence and admit that he has not treated me well-but all I get is "oh, he cares for OW6 and she makes him happy, so he can't decide whether to risk going back to you in case you don't make him happy"
I think I am going crazy-she is making me think that i am a neurotic needy pathetic woman who takes takes takes-I even see a parallel in her mind " if this is how she is in a friendship, no wonder WH had affairs, she is so needy and clearly doesn't fill his needs". She has also told me that I don't care about her and don't ask her about her life etc etc. The example she gave is that her father died 15 months ago and I haven't asked how she is feeling. I am sorry about that, and I do think that I have not been as supportive as she would like me to be-but I am also frustrated as I had decided not to talk about WH with her any more precisely because she draws and drags it out of me-and then accuses me of onLy wanting to talk about me me me!!

Anyway I know this isn't FriendshipBuilders so I'll stop. But it is sad to have lost a friendship as collateral damage.

Sorry for the rant. This hurts a lot, as does the discovery that WH is still bare-faced lying to me.

Very Deluded.

It sounds like maybe it wasn't a healthy friendship anyway and maybe you should have "broken up" with her.

I know once you get into a dark Plan B and you really start healing you are going to see, so much how your WH used gaslighting on you to have you and multiple women filling his ENs. How he cake ate for so long and that you may have other unhealthy relationships around you (like your friend you mentioned).

It is said that once an addict starts a recovery program that they have to cut out alot of old relationships. That's because, they either were addicts themselves or enablers.

Thank you BrainHurts.

I have woken up this morning feeling sad about my friend, but I do know in my heart that our friendship had run its course anyway.
I am sorry it had to happen the way it did-with harsh words-but then maybe that's better than repeated attempts to re-connect which result in a deep feeling of dissonance-she has been a dear friend in the past but JUST DOESN'T GET IT NOW!!
My psychotherapist thinks she has deep issues in her own R -which she always holds up as a paragon of marriage btw-which she cannot acknowledge to even herself so she has to stick rigidly to her stance. Interesting.
I saw WH last night as i want to dive into Plan B but needed those signatures. We went out for a meal and I plan A'd him.
This weekend I'll send the PBL.
I am facing being made redundant -got my "at risk" letter yesterday after I'd seen my friend-so have to work hard on a presentation for a job interview on Monday-I really want this job.
Then I might go instruct my new solicitor on our wedding anniversary the week after next!

I agree re the unhealthy relationships-I had been hoping that i could hold on to friendships but have realised that things need to change, you can never predict who is going to support you and who is going to sidle away uneasily.
On the plus side, I have had some wonderful people surprise me with their friendship and support.
I have felt emotionally very tied to my marriage and to these friends-but now I feel ready to move forward and accept these changes.
My mild sadness and acceptance-rather than deep grief and desperate attempts to get my friend to reconsider-confirm that to me.
I want to move on now from constantly being gobsmacked by how much WH has gaslighted me, the sheer nerve of him in treating me like a doormat - to just not caring anymore other than to look back and say thanks WH for enabling me to see how much more I deserve in life than this!

Deluded