As much as I love my husband, I am nearly totally drained. He is a handful. He is literally a psychiatric patient with a LONG history (5 years old to current and 500+ pages of documentation) of various issues including but not limited to Bi Polar I with psychotic features (steps away from a full Schizophrenic diagnosis), OCD, anxiety, learning disorders etc. I am very unhappy. Here is a letter I wrote to him hitting the highlights of especially the last year. We've been married going on 2 in December.

You will most likely never see this letter.

I am merely using it as an avenue to get my thoughts, my hurts, my pains all down and out of my head and hopefully out of my heart.

The last three years (well three as of February) have been no doubt a struggle. And I thought I was strong enough to get through it all. But -

The fact of the matter is I am not strong enough anymore and I am not sure what to do about it.

I am tired. I feel so much older than merely 27.

I love you. I do. There is not a thing I would not do for you. Just� there are a few things on my mind and my heart that I am struggling to deal with at this current moment in time (10/18/2014).

First and foremost:

I feel like I�ve been lied to. You painted yourself as something substantially different than what you are when we first �met�. Not that what you are is ALL bad or hard to handle but what you presented to me was not the entire truth. As a tag to this, I feel like I have lost my identity in this mess and to you. I am no longer Jeri, self-proclaimed geek and writer and wife. I am merely David�s wife now.

Second of all, I feel like I�ve been lied to about other things. Namely those emails I found. I know I said I�d let them go. I tried. I really did. But they�ve been eating a hole in my stomach and when that happens, something is usually off. I tracked the header information of multiple emails that I found and a few of them pinged from an IP address as near the pool hall. Which means it came from a cell phone. I need you to be honest with me even though in my heart I know the truth�

Were you trying or thinking of stepping out on me? After everything I�ve done for you? After all the hell and heartache I�ve been through for you? I have been nothing but loyal and true to you. I know I am not the greatest in bed or the greatest looking but� I tried I really did. You were nothing but selfish in the bedroom. All on your terms and timing or nothing at all. You�ve never even OFFERED to take care of my needs. I did everything for you and for your needs without demand of reciprocation. SO WHY?! I feel like I�m not pretty enough to get you going anymore like I once could. I feel ugly and undesirable by you or anyone else.

Third: I need you to understand that I understand you have issues. I get that. We all do. But you using them as a crutch to not change is a bit ridiculous and rather immature. Which leads me to my next emotion.

I feel like I am raising someone else�s child, not my own. And I want kids. I would love nothing more than to have kids with you but I feel in my heart that you may never, ever be emotionally ready to have kids of your own. And that breaks my heart.

Another thing I need to know and understand is why do you turn everything around on me like I AM THE BAD GUY when that may NOT be the case? Why is it that you say the MOST HURTFUL thing you can think of and then try to fix it later? Do you really think that is okay? When I am merely trying to talk things out like normal adults, you do your dead level best to hurt me and break me down. I hate myself afterward for the longest time. Usually in arguments that is when honesty comes forward. Which leads me to� and I want utter transparent honesty here:

Do you want out? You�ve threatened to leave so many times and in that argument a week or so ago alone you brought it up at least 3 times. I�ve been feeling like you�ve been putting a distance between us. I feel like you look at me weirdly and that you get TOO defensive when I ask simple questions. Is there something I should know? Are you hiding something from me? Is there someone else? What is it?

If you want out, then just say so. I�ll be heartbroken, yes. And I�d continue to be your care advocate until someone else took over in my place. I mean it when I say I do love you and want nothing but the best for you. I know you are extremely unhappy. I�m doing what I can to save my sanity and make this work from my end until our situation is able to change. But if you need to change your life, even if it means divorcing me, to find your happiness and your health again - then I will not stand in your way. Not one bit.

If that is what you feel like you truly and desperately need. And if that is the case, I will do what I can to make sure your care does not lapse; that you get in a situation that you need; even help you find someone who can deal with your situation better than me and is capable of making you happy to the fullest possibility available.

Just tell me. Openly and honestly.

I love you.

I want things to work despite what I feel but�.

I feel and sense that this may not be the case from your end.

And I need to know. One day.


Your faithful and loving wife,
Jeri

I don't know if I should show him this, blind side him or give this to his new psychologist next month in hopes of some kind of resolution one way or the other. I am just... lost.

Thank you.

Were you aware of this when you married him?



What specifically was said in these emails? How long ago?


I would not show your H anything yet...he will just lie and it already sounds like he is gaslighting you.

Welcome to MB

This would be the worse thing you could do, Lost. The diagnosed medical problems you have listed...that alone will make having a child with your H a total nightmare...for both of you and the child.

A. Not exactly when we met. it took a bit for me to put a few things together. His OCD was relatively quick for me to pick up on. Other things not so much. It took some nasty arguments and poking and prodding for him to finally open up to me about his psychiatric history.

B. You know those spam-bot emails 'Oh HI I am Angie and I am looking for...' He was responding to those asking things like are you hot, will you do dirty things with me, I'm horny, My name is... my number is... etc.

C. This has been something I've been considering myself. Let alone the issue of him being emotionally ready and mature enough for kids - there is the HIGH likelihood of them inheriting some of his 'erm' better qualities. Some of his issues are genetic, some are a result of brain damage from a few events in his life.

Walk away.

File for divorce and walk away.

x 2

I agree with reading.

Your H was deceptive by not disclosing his medical history to you...that is not a minor oops. Between the sex bot responses and wanting to have children, I would walk cut my losses. If you are exhausted after not even two yrs of marriage, imagine what it will be like two yrs from now given his problems. Sorry but I would walk.

Imagine what you've been through for almost 3 years and think if this is really what you want for the next 50? Do the bad times out weigh the good? I'm sorry.

Stick with us and we will help you not settle next time. And if your H gets the help he needs and becomes husband and father material it will get obvious.

Good grief!
That's worse than the "You won a $10 MIllion lottery, please pay the $200 processing fee to get your check" emails...or the Nigerian money scams!

Those are real people sending those emails, btw.
They want men to send them money so they can "come over and be their girlfriends" and in reality the men are communicating with an African male in a coffee internet cafe, next to a Western Union station.

Thanks for the advice, guys.

I've come to the conclusion that I will see some of the therapy out. If things are to come to an end, I want it to be the natural course of things and I don't want to give up before it is time. I've got almost 3 years into this - a few more months isn't anything to me at this point. It will take a bit of time to build up the trust with the new psych and what not. I'll give it a chance to see. But I will be prepare to do what may be necessary.
Thanks.

What will he give you to make your marriage and you feel safe? What kind of plan will he give you for you to continue in the therapy?

Lost, I 100% agree with Brain, start learning to negotiate with your Taker now, so you have a chance at salvaging your marriage and are not continuing to build resentment. You probably won't even see the ways you participate in bad old patterns until you makes these big changes.

I would walk away if I could turn back time. You're still young, there's still hope for you to find someone to build a normal marriage with. My husband isn't as extreme as yours, but I have suffered so much, almost everyday, for the past 13 years, trying and trying to make my loveless marriage work, trying in vain to get him to see that a successful marriage needs a balance of Give & Take, that he has been Taking. If he has affairs with multiple partners, yet turns the tables on you, blames you for his mistakes, breaks you down, changes the facts, makes you feel unattractive, etc., it really sounds like an uphill battle. My husband would do just enough for me not to leave, but nothing more. What's worse with "damaged" Hs is that they might play cruel games when they smell weakness, eg. mocking your misery, gaslighting, etc.

My husband is half-aware of what he is doing, the other half of the time he acts out according to subconsciously absorbed behavior and values from his upbringing.

It's a tough call.

Yes. It is a very tough call.
Cause a battle? Not on my to-do list.
Make him have to find a low-income location with no car? Yeah that isn't either. (He may never have the capability of driving himself around - ever.)
Have to find someone else to take over his disability care when his family doesn't approve of him being on it and doesn't believe his over 500 page history? That'll go over like a boat load.
Wind up alone? Yeah nope.
Wind up being the literal death of him? Yeah, it's a very real risk. he's on the borderline of suicidal idealization.

These are things that I do not want to deal with until I have no choice and all options to save this thing have been exhausted. I love him.

And I don't think he realizes the position he has put me in.

Do you enjoy living like this?

Quite frankly - no I do not. But I do not believe in giving up until every option and every opportunity to turn a bad situation around has been exhausted and used. I don't want any questions left unanswered - any thought of 'I could have tried harder' to linger should this come undone.

If ou want to be able to weather, this, then how about admitting this is too much for you, and get the outside help you need to keep from burning out? You are one person, and this i not your son. You're not going to love him forever at this rate. You are setting yourself up for failure unless you make some huge changes now.


There are folks outside the family who can help, though. We want to see you succeed.

Do you love him or need him?
What does he do for you?
Sometimes, someone that is unprepared for life will seek out someone else who is similarly unprepared because they feel most comfortable around that person.

Are you familiar with the emotional needs in Dr. Harley's book, His Needs Her Needs? Does he meet any of your needs?

Best use of your time tight now is to line up outside care your husband would qualify for. Speak to his various care providers and hook up with a social worker who can point to a set up.your husband would fit into. Supervised half way house and so on. You can be helpful to your fellow man without being married to the cause.

Okay update to the situation that I am trying wrap my head around:
On my birthday (Nov 22) after things went to crap anyway (fought with my mom, then he fought with my mom, etc). I finally had an ah hah moment with him that revealed something.
I asked him about his tendency to threaten to leave or tell me to get the divorce papers when we fight. I asked him if he wanted out now? If he ever wanted out at any time? There was a hesitation and I knew my answer.
He admitted to wanting out at some point because quote he thought I could do better than him.
Now, this brings some new concerns to light that I've tried to approach him with and he gets upset that I am even talking about it. 'Let it go. It's in the past. I don't feel that way anymore.'
Here is the problem: when we first met, we were dating across a distance. We'd been together 2 or 3 weeks and he had a moment of weakness because of his severe tendency to be self-depreciating. (He said it only went to a hand job, he stopped it before it went any further.) So this makes me question some things: can I trust him to be honest with me when he needs to be because that is NOT a little thing? Did this happen in October 2013, when some questionable emails were sent? Is he going to do this again? Are we ever able to communicate on serious matters?

Am I wrong for asking these questions? His new psychologist wants to speak with me on the next appointment. How should I approach talking about this? I do care a lot for him, even after all of this. But these are major questions and I just am lost on how to get across to him how serious this actually is.

- LostInOkla (J.R.)