Call the cops immediately if that happens again. Make it an unpleasant consequence if he abuses your mother, or anyone else.

Indeed.

I feel so bad and held hostage by him.

Is there anything you can do for yourself to get your mind off him? Going with the assumption that you will get to move south, can you look into resources down there that will make your life easier?

Also, is there some more immediate self-care that you can do for yourself right now? It is stressful to be out of work, but it won't be forever, so what can you do for yourself with this gift of time that you have right now.

Or plan something fun with your daughter? A relaxing bath? Something that makes you feel good and cherished (you can cherish yourself)...

Lawyer called today and said we had an agreement now that I got a "batphone" for my kid. Programmed his number and her grandparents numbers into it. It's just a basic dumbphone that can only make calls. I mean, what else does an almost three year-old need. I allowed her to call him today on it, so he has it now. My lawyer gave him the email address and my IM changed the password so that I can't get into it at all. She'll be charged with checking it. He still needs to "sign on the dotted line" so there are still opportunities to stall and jerk me around, but my plan is to stay as dark as possible throughout so he can't blame anything on my behavior...and also so I don't get upset about the things he is doing (which is ALL upsetting).

I also asked my lawyer to just to paraphrase my husband's emails to me and to forward them directly to my IM because he says things that upset me so much. My lawyer thinks I am a nut to be so hurt by WH's empty threats, but that's OK. I would think I was nuts a few months ago if I hadn't experienced this. I would not have understood the concept of triggers from infidelity (or at least it would have sounded weird to me). But she'll forward me emails in which he says he'll "overjoyed" to take my daughter if I leave because I need to "get my life together and I think my DD is a burden." Ummm...no. I'm the one that has cared for my kid for the last 8 months while he has been conducting his affair. I have half a mind to let him take her because it would be so effective in interfering in their relationship, but I actually love my daughter and I don't want to expose her to that horrible, boundary-less person.

I am looking forward to going somewhere safe, where I can be cared for. The stress of not having a job and having to care for my kid and mom have gotten to me. Everything is a huge mess and I am trying to keep my sanity while packing, etc. Getting there will be a huge relief. Two more weeks!

I think it's fantastic that you got creative to provide access for your DD3 to him, make an email act that only your IM has access to, and your lawyer to summarize all of his emails to be sent to your IM and remain in a dark Plan B. I commend you.

I hope that others who are in Plan B will learn from this. It's so very important to remain dark so the BS doesn't have to deal with the WS abuse.

Good job, my friend.

Here is your show. Radio Clip of PigletWiglet's Show

Thanks BrainHurts,

I also made my mom password restrict facebook, instagram, tumblr, etc. on my phone and computer. Not so much because of him, but the OW. She conducts her WHOLE LIFE on the internet and posts at least 2 selfies a day, posts all sorts of flowery stupidity about whatever she is thinking at the moment. I can actually tell the state of their relationship by what dumb quotes she reblogs on tumblr. Sometimes "love is worth fighting for" and "I don't care how complicated this is" and other times its "F-off, you were never worth it" and "You lost your moon because you chased a dim star." Me being the dim star...because you know the woman that loved, supported and vowed her life to him is the one that's a dim star.

Anyway, I definitely don't need to see her childish, selfish antics. A year ago my husband would have been making fun of her silly posts and I would have said, "Be nice. She's just a silly kid. She doesn't know anything."

But not this year. I's funny how things change. But the point is...I am totally making myself accountable for staying dark and not peeking. It just makes everything worse.

Thanks for posting the clip, BH.

PW, you will feel so much better once you are moved. You may be in Plan B but it is a stress filled Plan B while you are in limboland. Do something nice for yourself this weekend.

x2

Feeling really vulnerable--

i needed to give notice on my apartment and my WH has NOT signed the agreement yet. Please PRAY!

Praying....

My lawyer sent WH the nearly finished agreement today and he told her he nearly had a panic attack with the thought of losing his daughter (I had to tell her not to forwarde his emails again).

My IM also told me that he keeps sending videos of my daughter to the logistics email account I set up. I had to tell her to also not tell me about that.

I cannot wait to leave!

Hi All,

Dr. H suggested I write another plan B letter explaining the steps explicitly for reconciliation. I did that already and WH acknowledged that he understood them and that they were reasonable...he just never did them.

Plus I am totally ambivalent toward him at this point. Well, that is not true. I dislike him greatly and I really do not think he will change ever given how long this has gone on and his behavior.

Any thoughts? I'm not against it. I just don't know if I see the point because I don't see this situation as particularly hopeful and his LB account is now negative 1 billion.

If I do do it, I'll need some help because all I feel is scorn and resentment. The best tone I think I could muster is neutrality.

I personally wouldn't bother. One thing that was not mentioned to Dr. H during your show was your WH's violence towards you (since being in Plan B) nor his repeated threats of divorce long before the affair. You would then maybe want to add in an anger mgmt condition...which your WH would see as yet another hoop to jump through and likely tick him off. The repeated divorce threats and ultimately the affair...I think your WH is the kind of person who will keep doing that...want to ditch you or threaten you when he doesn't get his way. That's how I see it and you have already given him a Plan B letter. Dr. H pointed out with your medical condition you need someone you can count on to be there. With the repeated threats to leave you and lack of care shown to you...I won't bother but that's me.

If you did decide to write one, I wouldn't give it to him before moving. IMO it will likely tick him off and he will lash out at you more. He has also recently threatened to take DD if I recall correctly.

They were not divorce threats so much as, "I'm leaving!" And then he'd pack a bag with three t-shirts in it and walk towards the door. Then I'd point out the ridiculousness of what he was doing and/or just say, "ok. Go." And he would apologize. I think if happened 3 times or so.

But yeah, I get if. I sent Joyce the whole story, but there is limited time on the show. And to be perfectly honest, that was the first AO. They are my thing. It's something we would both need to work on.

But yeah, I have little hope for change at this point. This man is the very definition of a renter/freeloader.

Not to toot my own horn, but I am a very attractive woman. The most common reaction I get from people is "HE cheated on YOU?!" I also have had a very successful career, come from a good family, etc.

My WH fell in love with me at a young age and I didn't give him the time of day until years later (not in a bad way, I was just a teenager and was clueless that he like me so much). At the time that I did give him a chance, he was so earnest and sweet. He was also just finishing up grad school, which was attractive to me. For most of our marriage, he continued to be earnest and sweet, but there were red flags like hiding credit cards and the, "I'm leaving!" Declarations. He has strong IB streak that I didn't really pick up on while dating (Which you can't always because your finances and such aren't mixed). And then the biggest issue--he didn't work for years. I never harped on it, but I definitely brought it up and it worried me. Now he is working, but in a very high risk job for an affair.

Anyway, looking back, I think about the time I almost ended the relationship while dating and I wish I had.

I don't think it's insignificant that he had an affair once he had some money, i.e. a job. It would be very difficult to be in a position where you were forced to choose between having a husband living off you, or one that makes money but you cannot trust.

He is not making himself an attractive partner to you, that is for sure.

I fully agree with blaven_raven's point about your medical condition. You need someone above and beyond.

Very right Luna Alpha.

He is now asking to call my DD daily as part of the parenting plan. On the one hand, I don't think he'll actually do it. On the other, if he wants to actually take some responsibility for his daughter good. He took her to get a flu shot today, which was unexpected and nice.

What does everyone think?

I think his plan is to mess with you and disrupt your attempts to move on. Focus on what you want and how to enforce it.

I would not get pigeon holed with daily phone calls or specific times. He is trying to micro manage everything now. What does your lawyer say? There is often some standard lingo that each parent is allowed to contact the child while in the other's care but it is usual vague. No one can be sitting by a phone everyday.

Even if he called, it doesn't mean you would have to answer. Leave the language vague. She's not even three. He won't be calling her at daycare and in the evenings you have to feed her, bathe her, put her to bed at a reasonable hour, etc. so I would not give any specific days or times.