That's great.
I've learned more from the Radio Show than his books.

The no contact deal wears on me from time to time. She's still fogged and unrepentant in the limited communication we do have which hurts, but the silence is more of a numb pain. Feeling like I'm on the end of her list, so to speak. Like I mean nothing to her now.

Her immediate family has her new cell # but I don't. I'm not sure how many of them realize this, but her parents definitely do and aren't sharing it because she's asked them not to and they are scared of alienating her further. Really the whole family is at this point, like they're going to lose her. Conflict aversion. When they contact me they apologize about her behavior but are worried about her volatility. Only one other sibling is married in the family so mostly they don't know how to react. FIL mentioned last week that he feels they've lost her trust and that he sensed something was amiss with her earlier this summer but didn't know what. I don't reach out to them much but they text me a few times a week and I respond in whatever way is appropriate.

There are some things I don't think they are aware of (such as the fact that she admitted on Cheaterville to being in a relationship and business partnership with OM), but I'm unsure if I should share this with them. After the exposure they dismissed some of my evidence of the A after she provided an unverified alibi and I've gotten mixed signals from her parents on whether they believe this is an affair or simply her having a personal crisis. I know they are very upset with her behavior, but I think they are scared to pressure her any further. She promised MIL not to have any contact with OM, so obviously she's still lying to them.

I do feel like WW is still pretty deep in the fog. She has 3 credit accounts that have been trying to bill out of our old joint bank account and are all now in collections. This is going to destroy her credit, and any future ability of her to get a business loan (particularly since one of the accounts is the remaining balance from her failed business earlier this year). I have redirected all of the collections calls to FIL since he has her number and I don't.

2 of these credit lines were for marital property that she doesn't consider hers and so I've emailed her offering to work something out so they could be paid (but of course in a way that would protect me, e.g. her providing statements and canceling the plastic). No response. We're not talking huge amounts of money, less than $1500 combined on these 2 accounts. Just bizarre to me, no idea what she is thinking here.

This is Wayward 101, but I don't think I've mentioned it so here goes: She's abandoned several hobbies of hers. Our pets she adored, all of her garden equipment (she was an avid vegetable gardener), everything but the stuff related to this business venture with OM. All sorts of paperwork related to her college classes, hobbies, Bible study, family, etc. It's kind of a good thing because it's also been a red flag to her family, they mentioned it to me. Undermines the credibility of what she's been telling them about things.

FIL texted me earlier this week about wanting to have a get together with me and the rest of her family because they're worried about "how I'm holding up". This is a nice gesture and I told him to let me know when they want to do it. I expect some awkwardness but I know they're trying to be supportive.

It's cold here and I'm going to try to pick up a scarf today for WW and have her parents pass it along to her for me. She really likes them when it's cold out. Maybe drop that off along with a Plan A letter.

You need to get yourself in front of the finances with your attorney.
Waywards have done crazy things, she knows your SSN, she could wreck havoc on your credit.
My wayward ex was looking at plastic surgeons, she got her tubes tied on my dime, got 2 credit cards without me knowing, just as an example.
Get any and all joint accounts closed. Get your name removed off of anything that is not in your control. You will have to fight and be tenacious. Get a temporary hold filed in court, your attorney knows what to do.

Only joint accounts we had were the bank account and a small credit card, both of which I've canceled the plastic for. Everything that affects my credit I've already taken over, this is all on her at this point.

Good call on the deal with SSNs and my identity though, I hadn't even considered that.

You are still married, (and unless you have a court order preventing her), she could take out all sorts of loans, credit cards, etc. Guess what it is marital debt and you own half of it. She could default on a loan, and you could have been unwittingly added to collections.
It will look bad for her to do that, but if i remember you haven't done any court stuff yet.
This is where the predator type OM start getting them to do financial crazy things. You said she is business partnering with this POSOM, beware of your finances.

^Thank you for that advice. I will contact my attorney about this tomorrow. We spoke about it during my consult and he didn't seem to think I was in any risk from her debt after I advised him about it, but it's worth following up (her business debt is over $5k), and I certainly don't want any new loans in my name.

You are correct, there is no legal action that has been taken by either side at this point.

This dude she is with is very slimy and has all sorts of litigation records towards him on the state courts website for prior unpaid debts. I think you're right that he might try to get her to do something like that, I think he's steering a lot of her decisions right now.

Its been some time since I looked at your thread ax.

WOW. Your WW is frightening in different ways from mine. Keep up the good work my friend. Protect yourself, it sounds like she is capable of all sorts of financial havoc.

Axe,
Your in-laws realize that your is lost, and they want to be found but fear losing her altogether. The truth is she is close to rock bottom right now and no one can help her but herself. She will hit it, and over time you may have a chance to rescue her. That is why Plan A caring is important right now. I'd send the letter soon.

You have taken the right steps so far. In the meantime, what are you doing to take care of yourself? What do you do these days when you are not working?

^On the letter, I dropped that off last night at her parents house. They're going to see her either later this week or for Thanksgiving. I put together a little winter gift pack for her, stuff I know she could use or would enjoy. She doesn't handle the cold well and gets real dry skin so I know being on foot in this weather is probably taking its toll on her.

I just put the letter in with the gift pack, and put a short blurb in there about the gifts and remembering a winter trip we took a few years ago that would be a positive memory for her.

Outside of work I've been tying up some loose ends with other projects of mine. I'm a car guy and I've got a classic I'm installing a new engine into. Almost done with that so that feels good. I've also volunteered for stuff at church, which has really helped lift my spirits. I have a software development company I run on the side and after I'm finished with the car this weekend I'm going to transition to projects in that area. I'm pretty goal oriented, so I'm happy when I'm knocking stuff off my list.

BUT....I know if we ever get to R, I've got to do a much better job spending less time working and more time for undivided attention between us.

I really have great people around me supporting me. People at church have been very encouraging, also my immediate family really has been going the extra mile to check in and spend time with me. Also a handful of my close friends have been doing the same. I'm very blessed in that way.

I hear a lot of people on here recommend exercise and I'm going to try to get that started this week. I've got a gym membership and I used to weight lift a lot, it's something I really enjoy.

Overall, I'm mostly doing pretty well with things at this point. I was a total wreck between when she dropped the separation bomb and D-day, probably needed to be on ADs. Couldn't eat/sleep/etc very well for weeks. But none of that since the beginning of this month.

I just kind of get stung now and then by memories and when I think about how long it's been since I've talked to her or seen her. The lack of contact makes this whole thing seem like unreality at times, because it's as if she's just disappeared into thin air. I know she exists and where she works or whatever, but being so close to her (same city) and not ever seeing her is bizarre. Even more bizarre is seeing every single other person from our life together (especially her family) and hearing people talk about her, or conversation they've had with her. Just very strange.

You are playing this right, Axe. Hang in there and take heart knowing you're being true to plan A. Perfect move with the care package and letter. It will confuse her and throw her off. That is a good thing. You may hear nothing fom her, but that does not mean there was no impact.

Really glad to hear that you have a strong support network and church community. Also great to know you have some hobbies and will start an exercise routine. All these things will help.

You are doing great.

Axslinger,

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/u...in=153286&Number=2136196#Post2136196

Your thread reminds me of an older thread by PSUBIKER, where the OM was a pimp of a human being who extracted or destroyed everything in the WWs life. So you may have to wait it out for quite awhile, on the plus side in your case the OM appears to operate more from stupidity and has less malicious competence.

God Bless
Gamma

Wow. Only brushed over the first and last pages on that but pretty wild. I'd agree on your comparison of the OMs in that case and mine. Some of me wants to give OM benefit of the doubt based on the fact that he's a "gone back to college late in life" person, like he's trying to be a good person in his own twisted way.

But then again, with this whole situation...he's in his mid 40s and twice divorced....he knows exactly what he's doing here.

It's hard to imagine my WW going quite that far off the deep end as the woman in that thread, but then again I saw none of what's already happened coming. My WW is an industrious and hard working person (something that is attractive to me), she simply struggles with depression from what I can tell. Her college GPA is nearly perfect and she was highly recognized in her areas of study. Her vocational classes were part of the SkillsUSA organization and she was a national finalist in her area of study in 2012.

Last time I was "in the loop", shortly after she moved out, she was working over 50 hours a week in her two entry-level jobs, so I think she still has that concept of self sufficiency.

However, I really don't understand her strategy. She makes enough to probably move into an her own apartment pretty easily. Or file for divorce. Or fix her car. Or pay her bills.

And her two interests are furthering her education and/or starting a business, which she took a semester off for this past spring. Unless she does a student loan and drops a job, I think she'll be stretched to go back to school.

Obviously there's OMs business but it's not exactly a profit magnet from what I have observed. What came to the surface in MC was that she was deeply hurt by what I meant as constructive criticism of her business plans. I have much more real world business experience but she is formally educated in business management and felt I was unqualified to critique her plans because they were in food services and not areas I work in. I am sure that OM used this to demonize me and make LB deposits with her.

Who knows what happens when she realizes OM is not a serious business partner. She's already been through that once this year with a female friend that flaked out in her startup this spring and she was devastated. She is conflict averse and came to me to help her be assertive in sorting out the fallout of that situation, and it actually was a very good time for us. Around our anniversary, and I think ENs were being met because I supported her in an important way.

But maybe a month after this I started saying no to borrowing more money for another startup, and this is around the time OM came into the picture for her. Don't know if that paints the picture more clearly here.

Are you paying all the bills?

Not her bills (other than auto insurance on her vehicle). Our cars were all bought with cash so I don't pay anything for the vehicle she has, and both of us have private health insurance policies rather than a shared insurance policy. If I had to venture a guess, I'd guess she's lost her health insurance because of what I know about her credit cards/loan not being paid.

We have very little debt so there weren't many bills other than the basics. Only reason I know about her unpaid bills is because she had my phone number on the account and I was getting calls from collections.

FIL wants what I think is going to be a 1 on 1 meeting tomorrow, texted me this morning about it. I'm going to do it, but who knows what to expect.

He had described it as wanting to see "how I'm holding up".

He mentioned that WW is going to be staying with her family for a few days for Thanksgiving. I am kind of curious if there will be any pressure on her about us. Who knows, but might be interesting to be a fly on the wall.

Her younger brother and I are very close and he's been pretty shaken up by this I guess. He commented on something I posted on FB and we had a fun/joking conversation like we always used to. Significant because I hadn't heard anything from him since this started. Maybe a positive sign that he may talk to her Thursday about things.

I've got emailing Dr. Harley on my list of to-do's. I know I should have ages ago but I've just been thinking about some of the unusual aspects of this case compared to others, and I've realized I need to do that. Listening to the show has helped me understand that these situations are generally the same but individually unique, so I'm very curious about what he'd suggest.

I emailed Dr.Harley the night I was forced out of my home. He called me at 7 a.m. the next morning! I was totally unprepared but it was great to hear from someone who knows exactly what he's talking about when it comes to waywards. He definitely does what he does because he wants the best for people. I wouldn't delay contacting him, you're definitely not imposing.

Update on the meeting with FIL. Went very well actually.

He's really come around on things and was completely supportive. Her family is all getting the cold shoulder to an extent from her and so they're hurt by it. NebDane, you called it on a loss of credibility with them. He mentioned that they feel she isn't being forthright about things. I hurt for them too, but it's better than them being fogged about things. And truly this was a big boost for my resolve because I feel assured now that people in her family are not fence-sitting on this issue. We both felt Thanksgiving might offer some opportunity for the family to nudge her on the issue.

I understand the decision is hers to make (not her family's) but it helps me to feel like there is broad support there for R, rather than people trying to rationalize something they know is wrong. I feel very blessed by that, given what I've read about other situations on here!

We talked for probably an hour and then prayed together, and I left. It's awkward and I know a lot of people would have not done this, but I stepped into the void trusting God here and feel rewarded for that. I've had falling out happen in my own family and know a lot of times the fear of the unknown paralyzes people and actions of love/grace are one of the few things that can overcome that.

Great news! I'm glad your FIL is coming around.

It sounds good!!!!
I am always the skeptic. So just be careful, he could have been gathering info on your next move and your strategy/tactics. You got burnt once.

I hope they are supportive and truly use their influence.

One thing that has stood out in this case is your wife's estrangement from her family. That doesn't happen often (although it did to a lesser extent in my case). The fact that she is staying away indicates she has shame, and that bode wells for recovery in my opinion. That is one of the reasons I've posted to you in the past that I think you have a good shot at fixing this. Once things start to go south with the OM, chances are the fog will lift and you will become an attractive option.

Support from your in-laws helps, but just be aware that they are caught in the middle. Blood is still thicker than water. I wouldn't distrust them, but I wouldn't count on them either. I think you've played this well and you have a mature perspective on the matter.

Have a happy Thanksgiving, and stay the course.

God bless.