Nothing? Apparently you don't get that contact is just as bad as them having sex, right?

If you didn't expose, you aren't in Plan A. If you aren't in Plan A, don't expect success.

The plans don't work when you don't follow them.

Whilst I see your point, I think that's slightly harsh. The original plan was for her to stay over at the hotel WITH HIM (whilst telling me it was a friend) - He'd already booked the room. She was going to this party no matter what, there was negotiating on it - either she went or she left the house, she was the one who had done the planning for it and worked at it for months and checking her messages she actually didn't know he was going until the week before (he got a ticket from someone who wasn't able to attend). Dr. Harley recommends keeping your wife at home, more effective Plan A, so I compromised with her to stop her being there all night with him, to make sure came back home and stayed at home. I have no idea what they did during the party, but it was a sit down meal and disco in a small function room and she'd made her friend (who doesn't approve of the affair at all) stay by her side all night - I know, I shouldn't rely on that. But those were my choices and tried to pick what was best for us. I have been an enabler in the past, absolutely, and I genuinely do appreciate all of your advice even when it's a little more blunt than I was expecting... Exposure will go ahead this week, I have all the details I need including his parents. She'll no doubt try to leave again as soon as it's done, but I guess that's how it's got to be.

Thanks for the advice

This doesn't make sense. Having a lead on OM's parents' contact details surely means that you DIDN'T have to delay. It meant that you had the means to expose, so what are you talking about?

You planned to delay for a week? I think you planned not to do it. You didn't want to expose so you gave yourself a week for something to happen, and now something has happened, and you think this justifies not exposing for even longer.

You'll not hear anything different from any experienced poster on this forum: expose now - and stop making excuses.

If you love your wife at all, you will expose her affair. You will NOT drive her to her boyfriend, and drop her off for him. That's not attractive at all. That tells her that you don't care for her enough to fight for her -- you'll just meekly hand her off.

Tell her that you WILL NOT SHARE HER. Fight for her. Expose the affair.

You do get that, right?

Enabling the affair doesn't make you a hero in her eyes.

I thought the point of an effect exposure was a get a sudden tsunami effect? No trickle exposures? I was waiting for someone to get back to me with OM Mothers work email address and telephone number. So I should have exposed to all of OM's friend first, waited a week and then exposed to his parents? I'm confused.

The choice was between enabling her to spend the night in a hotel room with him, have her move out of the home or agree to drop her off (so she didn't have time/chance to get some sexy time in before the event) and collect her afterwards - I got there 30 minutes early and managed to park right in front of the function room window where I could see her at the bar with her friend, OM wasn't visible.

The fact she's still pissed at me for not letting her have "one final time with him" is bad enough, but now I'm being told it wouldn't have mattered if I had anyway! I honestly don't mean to come across as disrespectful or unappreciative, I'm really trying here but apart from being told to expose (WHICH I WILL) the advice I've read on here can be quite confusing and sometimes contradictory!

Or you could have done Plan A!


What difference does that make? An emotional affair is just as bad as a physical affair. Contact is just as bad as sex. Driving her to contact is the same as driving her to sex.

This is a pisspoor excuse for driving your wife to see her lover. Dr Harley does not recommend enabling your wife's affair. In fact he says "its hard to save a marriage when you are an enabler."

You have to make a decision to stop being an enabler and start fighting for your marriage. Your complacence reflects a lack of caring.

I am glad to hear you are following through on exposure, but you must stop enabling her. If she ever comes out of the fog, she will REMEMBER your uncaring act.

EXACTLY.

And it was not "best" for anyone.

Those were not his only choices! He could've done Plan A.

Why would it have taken a week for "someone" to get back to you with the mother's contact details?

You had an important target - her workplace - that was just begging to be used, and you waited to expose in that significant area because you wanted to tell his parents at the same time? That is just illogical. Workplace exposure could have killed the affair immediately. Exposure to his parents was important, but they were not a critical target. Suppose you'd never got those details. Would you have not exposed at all because of that?

When I had the means to expose my H's affair to OWH, and when I read this forum and saw the advice to expose, I did so immediately. I didn't wait because I did not have OW's parents' contact details.

If you had exposed at your wife's workplace straight away, you would have made it too uncomfortable for her to have attended that dinner at all. She would never have brazened it out had management called her in to their offices to question her about her skanky behaviour. They might even have forbidden them both from attending the party, and they might have moved one of them away from their job.

Instead, you drove her to spend time with OM.

What is confusing and "contradictory?" We told you to expose. And you didn't do it.

You could have strolled in the door with her and started telling everybody you saw that she's having an affair and who with and ask for their support for your marriage.

I would.

it would have been a trickle exposure followed by letting her move out of the house? Before Friday she point blank refused any demands of NC with him, told me she wasn't talking to him, found out she had been on Saturday.

If I understand Plan A it consists of full exposure, demand NC, be the best husband/father you can possibly be etc even if WW is still having an affair/in contact with OM, don't force her to leave the house and if the stress gets too much I should be the one to leave?

Currently the only thing missing from my Plan A is the exposure, I have NC (I honestly can't see how she could still be in contact with him, she hasn't left the house without me since Friday and I'm monitoring her phone daily)...

I just wanted to know if everything she's telling me - about not ever wanting/loving me, never seeing our marriage working etc is just fog/withdrawal or if I should just face facts and give up?

With a smile on his face, probably!

Or you could not do a trickle exposure. Instead you could do a real exposure. You could start telling every human being you know that your wife is having an affair and who with and ask them to support your marriage.

Currently the only thing missing from my car is the engine.