I've got a dynamic sort of like that in my situation. There are some aunts/uncles who are waywards and acting as enablers to my wife in our situation. In my last discussion with FIL he confided in me that these people have a very volatile relationship with him because he doesn't approve of their lifestyle and he feels regret for not having steered his daughter away from them.

My wife blamed me in her last email for her conflict with her family and cited it as a reason she could never come back to me. I think waywards in this situation do feel regret, they just can't process their responsibility for it.

Mine accused me of trying to alienate her from her parents. Typical Fogspeak. Her actions are alienating her from her parents. I'm just not cooperating and acting like it is a mutual decision to save her embarrassment in front of her family, neighbors, friend and people at the church.

She also referred to them as the "two most judgmental people in the world". What?! Because they believe that people should honor their wedding vows? Because they believe that men shouldn't pursue married while pretending to be a friend of the family.

When I exposed the A to our son. She was angry that it would ruin his future relationship with the OM as his step dad. My son already hated him.

I don't know how I could get through this without insights from MB and SAA.

Agreed on all points. My WW claims our grandma is the most judgemental person she knows (despite her actually not in this case), that her parents are, that I am to blame for turning everyone against her and that is she feels no connection to me or our house. Fog babble, but also withdrawal. I started another read/listen of Love Busters and Dr. Harley says that when a spouse is in withdrawal from you, they will say "I feel no connection to you". My WW said that exactly.

As for the insights from MB and all you here, I've been able to muddle through this. Much easier to focus on work this week than last week. Our poor son, he keeps trying to get us to love each other again. Last night, I offered to play with our son for a few hours (I wanted to, and I could tell WW was getting frustrated and needed some time to clean our office (she calls it her room) up with all her furniture in there. Son wanted us to all play "dragons" together because he wanted WW and me to do something together.

I've explained to him about the situation, that Mom and I did things to each other that is not very nice, she had another "daddy" in AZ that was replacing me in things that mom promised would only be me and hurting me, that I told people to gain us help, and she is very mad at me for that. He keeps telling both of us that he really wants us to love each other again and be nice to each other. Well, I'm being nice and want that, but his mom isn't and it's bothering him. Of course, in the WW mind, it's all my fault and nothing that she's done/doing.

Wow, mine said that, too, on the day of exposure. I just ordered Love Busters, so I haven't read it yet. I wish I had found all this stuff pre-A. I feel like I'm fighting a losing battle. I don't see how my Plan A e-mails are going to help entice her back out of her shell.

One positive thing about my wife moving out as soon as her PA began is that I never had a chance to do any love busting. I've been friendly in our interactions from the beginning. Of course, I had to get through the begging and pleading stage first. Learning of the A helped me stop that after just two or three weeks.

In Love Busters, when he talks about withdrawal, he mentions one way that can help bring a person in withdrawal out is a sincere apology. I'm not sure that really works or applies to the exposure being the cause of withdrawal though. Wish we had more tools/guidance on how to help bring someone out of withdrawal.

Withdrawal because of unmet needs/abuse and the reaction of a WW are two different things. Do NOT apologize for exposing. It will not draw her out of her shell -- in fact, she never was out of her shell before you exposed. Exposure did not push her into withdrawal.

All WW say they do not feel a connection. It's a given.

You are applying recovery concepts to an affair situation. That's really not going to work. You need to know Lovebusters, of course, because you need to avoid them like the plague in Plan A. BUT, exposure is not a lovebuster and the concepts found in the book Lovebusters does not apply to it.

Thank you for the clarification.

Never apologize for exposure. Exposure does not put a person in withdrawal, it causes so much conflict that it can kill the affair. The AFFAIR is what causes withdrawal. Anger over exposure is a sign of the FOG.

Since there's been productive feedback having FWWs and others evaluate WW communication in other threads, I wanted to post my wife's email from Sunday for analysis. Some names/details have been anonymized:

http://0bin.net/paste/h4iXl9+MGZc41FMB#Wn2WOUNASDpMFvb+tFztc46-oZlehvUTDP/7NUTb5RC

That could almost have been written by my WW.

I am given the same garbage about my marriage being beyond repair and that SHE can't trust ME!(WTF). My WW also has tried very hard to get me to stop all plan A activity. That makes me think that it is working.

I can't offer much of an analysis or much advice but, I think you've been doing the right thing. I wouldn't let her put you off from plan A. When my WW asked me to stop, I let off the pressure a little but have been slowly increasing it since. My feeling is that waywards don't like the plan A stuff because it conflicts with their fantasy and false memories. Plan A makes reality and true memories pressure their fantasy.

ignore that fog babble letter.
It is written by an alien that is not your wife.

Yep, sounds like something my wife would say. I imagine Justthe3ofus' wife probably would have said something similar before her change of heart.

http://0bin.net/paste/fLJyBP+lo5K+UFoW#r+ok1+B+Srl3P+KChyC-8TaQOjSi83/A+oBSotb4Y3Y

Just to illustrate the power of the fog, this is what the same person put on Facebook about me after our anniversary this year. Didn't seem to think our marriage was "deeply damaged" 9 months ago!

Yes this is all standard wayward garbage. Do not help the divorce, do not pay attention to the babble.

My ex did the same thing on facebook on our anniversay, then 3 months later tells me she wants a divorce, not in love, etc, all the while having an affair. I did not have the benefit of MB or this forum, so pay heed to the veterans here.

Most people have a conscience and do know when they sin.
Theologically, this is explained when Adam and Eve ate from the fruit of the knowledge of good and evil. That knowledge was imparted to their heirs. However, people can numb their conscience with vices such as food, alcohol, drugs, sex, etc.

If your wife is a born again, baptized believer then she will be under terrible judgement from the Holy Spirit because she is using the temple of God for adultery. Her behavior mirrors that of the nation of Israel, which was symbolic of the Christian, in the Old Testament. As the nation of Israel turned against God, they dealt with disease, famine and hardship. When they honored God, they were blessed with prosperity.

If your wife is not born again, then she is already under the power of Satan and living in spiritual darkness. She still has a conscience and can still cry out to God for mercy but she comes under a different type of judgement compared to a believer living in sin.

Have you read the books of the Bible I recommended to you? The old testament books of Tobit and Hosea?
Are you attending church regularly?
Are you praying regularly? Reading the Bible? If not, Dr. Harley suggests that Christians start by just committing to reading the Bible for 5 minutes before every meal. Very little commitment in the beginning and grow into a regimented lifestyle.

This is very typical of how many courts enable affairs. As you said, I suppose they do it for a CYA in case there is some horrible crime committed.
This is why it is extremely important for men to ensure that they have an attorney in such matters. Don't defend against a restraining order on your own; always use an attorney.
The court has the power to take away your freedom, even your right to exist. One of the most dangerous places to be is in a courtroom when judges decide your existence or terms of your existence.

She's definitely born-again, we wouldn't have gotten married otherwise. I've had too many conversations with her about faith and theology to believe it was an illusion this whole time. Of all things, I at least know that she's born again, even if terribly mixed up at the moment.

Your parallel about hardships is very much bore out here. My wife has had terrible insomnia and hypertension ever since late spring when I think this got started, and her current circumstances are certainly a downgrade in stability and comfort from what she had at home. The blood pressure issue in particular just came out of nowhere, all of a sudden it was up all of the time and she had to go to the Dr. to get BP meds. Very puzzled at the time, now I know why!

I have read part of Hosea, not finished yet. I do a daily Bible reading, and go to church 3 times a week. I'm on the worship team there (guitar of course ) and have a men's discipleship group I've joined. It's helped a lot with calming the storm inside of me.

NebDane, are you from Nebraska? Just thought I'd ask.

I talked that way, ax. All waywards do. Ignore it, and continue Plan A.

It plays out exactly the same in almost every Waywards mind.

This is what my Wife wrote just one month before her Mom became sick and she reached out to her 1st Affair POSOM. It was a continual theme expressed throughout our entire Marriage too.

Quote:
"I couldn't have asked, dreamed or Prayed for more than i have in my life.� First, we have such a beautiful home in the nicest neighborhood to raise a family in, and i have the most precious and adorable little boy, but mostly i have been blessed to have the most loving husband in the world.� He absolutely adores me.� I thank God every single day of my life for putting (My Name) in my life."
End Quote

It sure seemed like she had Graded her life and Marriage as an A+ prior to hooking up with her 1sr POSOM.

LTL